Some will run, others will walk; but they all move anyway.

Lately I've been up reading till the wee hours of the morning, even more so than usual.

I start reading a book sometime around midnight, and end up reading it until sunrise. Yesterday, I finished two books in one go - but then again, I started reading the first book in the afternoon.

I wonder what it is that makes me so obsessive about reading these books. I don't think I love books more than I did a few weeks or months ago, so that can't be it.

Perhaps it's just because I feel like I have to rush through it because I don't have enough time anymore, because I'm leaving soon, because my life will change and I'm not sure what's going to happen next. Somehow, reading at a leisurely pace, night after night after night, just isn't going to do it for me anymore.

I'm quite sure that most people who are about to leave their country for a long period of time will feel this strange, harried feeling. Like they have to tie loose ends, get some closure from various ongoing events in their lives.

Not that reading books needs closure, I just feel like I have to go fast, and then ever faster, or else I will not have enough time to finish the book - despite the fact that I will have time to read on the plane, and in the airport at Seoul, and even in the US. I might even have more time than I do now.

So why this harried feeling? It's not the end of the world, nor the end of time. I'm just going to study somewhere else, far from home and friends and family and the life I have here. I'm not speeding to any ending that I can perceive, unless time is an ending of some sort.

Strange that I stare at the random objects in my room, and not feel sad... yet. These are things that have, in their inanimate ways, watched me grow up. Well, some of them, at least. And most of them will have to be thrown away, or stored in boxes, most likely never to be seen again.

I'm not sure I'm going to relish the moment when I stand in the middle of an empty room, and realize once and for all that I'm leaving. Not for a three-week vacation, or a short-lived break, but rather for a long, long time. Well, a year feels long before you live it, and feels short once it's gone. So right now, a year is a long time.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I guess I'll have to learn how to be happy in a new place, in a different country, in a new life. But like I keep telling myself, I need this change. I need to be out of my comfort zone for once. I need to be a new me, or, failing that, an improved old me. I need to see new things, experience new feelings, and make new mistakes. I need.

But knowing this doesn't ease my burdens. If anything, knowledge makes the burden worse and harder to bear. I can't help feeling harried and uncertain about this self-enforced change in my life, this something between an ending and a beginning.

I don't doubt that I will have fun, fun times though. I'll learn to be more open, learn to let go and discover that there are more things to life than just comfort. Sure, I'll whine and bitch and moan along the way, just like some others would. But I won't roll over and die because of it. There's too much of my life that I still have to live.

Maybe once I've finished all the books that I have left to read before I leave, I'll take a break from reading. Or, at least, try to read less. People rush when they don't have enough time, or feel pressured, or something.

I don't want to rush. I don't want to run just because I see an ending, or because I want to get a head start on what comes after. I have all the time in the world(or at least several decades more, which is an entire lifetime, during which at the end of it I will feel like it was only a fleeting moment).

I want to walk. Slowly, leisurely, at a pace of my choosing. Change is inevitable, but let it change at my pace.

Some choose to run, on and on, not knowing that all move at the same pace. Others choose to walk, and take the time to experience all that is around them, and learn to love, bit by bit, in the seconds and minutes and hours of their walks.

But, at the end of the day, we all reach an ending anyway.

Whether we run or walk, we will always, always reach.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

RAWR

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO PENANG OMG.

OMGGGG I AM SO FUCKING PISSED LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

OMG SERIOUSLY I HAVE A LOOOOOOOT OF REPRESSED ISSUES REGARDING MY PARENTS.

I can't think of anything to say regarding this, except:

LIKE OMGGGWEORE(REWJIRISDFDISJFSDIJFSDFIJSDF
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DIJXCJIVXCVICXVIXCVXCVXCJVCIXVNAFAIJDSAODAsDAS
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JZVCIJVCXIPVZXPIJVZCIJVPCXIVJPZXCVIPJZCIJVPCZXIVPJ
XCIPJVZXPIJIPJ!PI!!PJIPJ!@IP!IP@!IP#!@IJ#!
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DIJBMCXBOIWAFADSHIF3491493!#$!(*#*@*#JIFAFJISDJIGAISJG
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AOFAKODFDSOKFSODFSDOFSDOFDSOKFSDOFKDSFOKSDFDSOKFSODOFDKSFOSdsOFDSOSDFOK!!!!!!!!!!

OMGGGGG

I'll miss them when I'm in the US. But there are also things that I won't miss.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Living

"Keep in mind that many people have died for their beliefs; it's actually quite common. The real courage is in living and suffering for what you believe."
-Brom, in Eragon

Read on...

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Visual Surveillance of Extremities

I don't know why I have trouble writing.

Is it because I lack discipline, or because I lack the skill to do so.

Ideas float in my head, one big mess, just waiting to come out in words and words.

But when I try to write, the words don't appear. I can force them out, but when I read what I've written, I wince at how forced and soulless my work seems.

It is as if I am writing without heart. But how can I write well, if I cannot force the true words to come out, or wait till they do? Because I have forced and waited for so long. Why won't it work?

Are the ideas to blame? Or myself? Or something else?

Maybe I just need to learn how to tell someone else's story, and not my own.

When I write here, everything seems right and well. I write, and write, and write, and when I read what I've written, I may wince at how stupid or idiotic my writing sounds like, but I would still know that it comes straight from the heart.

Odd.

I respect writers, even of books that I think suck. Because somehow they got through this and wrote something that they can truly appreciate.

Sigh...

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

OMFG

OMFG FLIGHT DETAILS CACAT AGAIN.

What kind of travel agent tells us that it's all confirmed then does NOT get the flight tickets issued which means that our tickets are canceled so she re-books the flight and we're on WAITING LIST AGAIN!?

OMG

OMG

OMG

And I just had my mom cancel her secretary's booking! BECAUSE WE THOUGHT THE TRAVEL AGENT HAD EVERYTHING SETTLED.

OMFG

EDIT: WE HAVE A FLIGHT! Mom's secretary didn't cancel our bookings on Friday, apparently. So we still have the 12-hour transit trip through Seoul to Seattle. At least it's a flight.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

:D

Exams are finally over.

Happy happy happy :D

ps: I win the award for 'Most Mood Swings 2006' :D I think

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Light

Just watched Gubra again. Found it to be a beautiful movie, both moving and heartening.

And I loved the message in it.

'The lamps are different,
but the light is the same.'
-Rumi

We are all human. Though we may look and act differently on the outside, we are no more and no less human than anyone else.

Within, we are the same, you and I and everyone else.

For all our differences, we are still the same.

We have just as much potential to do good or evil as anyone else.

So we are the same. All human, all lamps, but with the same light.

I wish people could learn that lesson.

To see that light, to accept, to love, to embrace. For we are of the same light.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Mood-killer

No mood to be angry already.

Sore throat got worse.
Flu got worse.
Aching bones.
Hope it isn't a precursor for fever.
Or I'd be screwed for exams tomorrow.

Read on...

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So fucking miserable

I am so fucking miserable right now. -_-

I have a cold.
I have a really bad sore throat.
I feel weak and lethargic.
I have two exam papers tomorrow.
I haven't studied.
I'm pissed at stuff.
I have a headache.

GAH.

So anyway, my dad told me today to try to spend more time with my mom now that I will be going off to the US soon.

Like, what the fuck?

I don't freakin care. I've been spending time with her like what, for the past fucking two years? And now I need to spend MORE time with her?

I'm just so fucking pissed because he expects me to 'show some face to her' since I'm leaving soon. But the thing is I'M THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN FUCKING LIVING WITH HER FOR THE PAST 2+ YEARS OKAY, DON'T TELL ME THAT I HAVE TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER WHEN YOU'VE HARDLY EVEN SPENT TIME WITH HER.

I've spent more time with her than both my father AND my brother COMBINED. For the PAST 2 YEARS. And not that I hate my mom, but I'm just so fucking sick and tired of having to listen to her nagging and her expecting me to do this and do that and do everything and expecting me to accompany her to go out and stuff.

And my dad wants me to consider her feelings; that she'll miss me when I go off to the US.

I'm sorry, but have YOU or ANYONE ELSE considered how I FUCKING FEEL playing substitute for both YOU AND MY BROTHER FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

You don't fucking come back because you know that hey, HISHAM'S ALWAYS HOME as your substitute so you don't have to come back.

Don't fucking tell me that you'll come back more next year, you should've been coming back more THIS YEAR. If you can come back more next year, why not this year, or last year? BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING HERE SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO, THAT'S WHY.

No one ever fucking cares about how I feel about things because I'm the one who's always fucking there to fucking be on standby for whatever fucking reason.

I DON'T CARE if you think I'm a horrible son now, because it's not like you ever noticed like the PAST 2 YEARS THAT I'VE BEEN A FUCKING GOOD SON.

Like even when getting groceries, I fucking follow mom around and grab whatever I need and some other stuff and then if we don't use the shopping cart I'd carry all the fucking grocery bags to the car then I'd have to drive then when we get home I store most of the stuff we've bought. What does mom do? She just selects whatever she feels like cooking, if she feels like cooking at all which is very rare, and buys her coffee and instant noodles and maybe fruits, and ya that's like it. And pays.

Tell me how many 19-year old teenage sons you know who do that. EVERY WEEK. Not some random freak incident where they somehow decide to follow their mom.

Every fucking week.

Have YOU done that? No. Has my brother ever done that? No.

And who the fuck has to go online and pay the freakin bills?

And who has to clean up the guestroom and prepare the room whenever we'd have guests staying over?

And who gets scolded for the most trivial things like not taking in the mail or not pushing the dining chair in after using in?

And who the fuck has to stay home and water the fucking plants whenever mom goes to visit you in Indonesia so she can go shopping and stay in a nice hotel and eat nice food and go for some pampering at spa?

So don't fucking tell me to 'show face a bit more', because I've been fucking doing that for the past 2 years.

If I don't feel like spending time with her now, IT'S MY CHOICE. I know I'd probably miss my parents when I'm in the US, but right now, this is MY FUCKING CHOICE.

I don't feel like CONSIDERING HER FEELINGS because you and mom have never considered mine.

I'm just that youngest son who's always around so ya take advantage of me all the time la since I have the least power in the house anyway :D So easy right :D

And if I don't want to pick you or mom up at the airport, UP TO ME LA. WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING PICK YOU UP IF I DON'T WANT TO.

'because it's not safe for mom to take a cab at night by herself'?

As. Fucking. If.

And if I don't feel like doing the driving when we go up north, THEN DON'T MAKE ME. I'D EVEN BE HAPPY IF I JUST HAVE TO DO 50% OF THE DRIVING, but you want me to do ALL THE FUCKING DRIVING ANYWAY.

If I don't fucking feel like going out with you, or going somewhere with you, don't fucking give me that upset look and 'just accompany me la', and get all upset, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO OKAY SO CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THE THINGS YOU WANT ME TO.

I've told my dad a few times now to tell my mom to back off and let me make my decision if I wanna go out with her or not.

He said he'd talk to her.

Whatever, I don't think he did.

Because HE'S the one giving me the 'spend more time with her' line now, as if I haven't been fucking doing that for the past 2 years.

Okay.

I don't care if you think abang is a better son just because right before he went to the US to study he wanted to spend more time with you two and you two appreciated it. And nowadays whenever he's back he doesn't mind spending time with you and mom.

But I've been doing it for the past 2 years okay. I've been a subsitute for both you and him to 'accompany' mom. Now I just don't want to do it anymore.

I want to sit at home and have dinner BY MYSELF everyday, or with friends.

Because I don't feel like 'showing face' to mom anymore just because of YOUR absence.

I don't feel like 'showing face' because she's 'gonna miss me when I go off'.

I don't feel like 'showing face' because I've been listening to her nagging and complaining for the past 2 years, and as she grows older, her behavior gets worse.

As every day goes by she becomes more and more like those annoying ladies who have to complain at anything and everything, usually over the most trivial matters.

DON'T TELL ME TO CONSIDER HER FEELINGS.

BECAUSE YOU AND MOM HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED MINE ANYWAY.

I am so fucking miserable.

A little 'thank you for being a good son' wouldn't hurt.

Not a 'you need to do more'. Because that hurts.

Because you've never been good parents. You've been good at guiding us, in terms of values and attitude and opinions, but you've been horrible parents.

I think, some part of me is dying over the fact that it's wrong, for me, as a son, to say that my parents have disappointed me.

Parents often say that their children have disappointed them.

And it hurts them, or so it goes.

And so I hurt, because my parents have disappointed me.

I am thankful for all my parents have done for me, but they are not thankful for all that I've done for them.

To them, it's never enough, they always want their son to be a bit better, a bit smarter, a bit more something.

I've been a somewhat good son - not by choice - but they want a perfect son, someone who would never ever get sick of his parents no matter what.

I don't care anymore. I won't be told that I need to 'spend more time with mom', because I'm sick of it. I am sick sick sick. Sick. SICK!

Maybe when you start considering how I feel, I'll resume considering how you feel.

Because all this time, I've been meekly considering how you feel, no matter my personal feelings, and look where's it gotten me. Nowhere.

You told me when you left that we had to make some compromises. I've made mine, why can't mom wake up to the fact that she has to make some compromises too. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

Yup, so fucking miserable indeed.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Know. And Hold On

Only 5 days till college graduation.

Almost the end of the college phase, almost the beginning of the university phase.

A new beginning.

A good beginning?

I don't know. I'd found out soon enough, I suppose. Just feel odd. Somehow, it feels like the last transitional phase I went through was only yesterday.

I think I'm obsessing over graduation, though. I think I have the right to :P

Somehow I couldn't care less about my final exams. I'm tempted to not study, and to just go in and hope I manage to bullshit enough to pass in my last three courses here.

Not that I'd do that; I hate feeling responsible, which would eventually force me to start studying.

In the meantime, I've already decided on my outfit for graduation. Funny how I haven't even decided whether I want to study Food Science or American History II first for the exams on Tuesday. They're both on the same day; what a nightmare.

I want to fast forward to Thursday. When the exams are over. I think these exams are different from the ones I've taken before. Because I don't care much about how well I'd do for these papers.

I just need to pass. I've been accepted to my university and my CGPA is gonna get reset anyway, so why do I need to care? I really don't need to care. I hate caring. Because it makes us do things that we don't want to do. Like studying. Mainly studying. Oh, and doing work too.

So all that's organized in my life right now is the fact that I know what to wear for graduation.

Which isn't much, but still more than not knowing.

I guess that's why I love to read.

It makes me learn about a life - not my life, but a life nonetheless. And I know. I know the person, I know what happens, I know how the story ends. I know that there is a happy ever after, a Pyhrric happy ever after, but a victory nonetheless. I know that much is true, that much I can trust in. And I know, and feel the relief from knowing.

Knowing is good. But not all knowing, because knowing with absolute, unshakable certainty is dangerous.

But knowing something small, something almost insignificant, can be a great relief.

Every little bit of the future that we know saves us from a tiny bit of worry today. What shall I wear tomorrow? What shall I do tomorrow? What will happen if I choose this, instead of that? Will I have time to read tomorrow? When we have the answers, however small, however incomplete, our worries disappear by just a tiny fraction.

But humans, like nature, are susceptible to rules. Or norms?

We are strong. Not just strong, but Strong.

But even we will fall under too much pressure. Every time a new burden falls upon us, we tire, we age, and we grow weary that much more. It's what makes us age not just on the outside, but also in our soul, in some place within that we will perhaps never know about, some place untouchable by all - including us - save the troubles and burdens of the world.

Which is why there are old, wearied souls, souls that have seen too much and suffered too deeply. Or young, energetic souls, the life of the party, a person whose mere presence brings injects new life into the world around them.

And that is why, I think, we all have a different way to cope, a different way to remove even just a tiny fraction of that immense burden we constantly bear.

So some of us turn to old habits. Some turn to a person they feel safe with, someone familiar, someone real and there. Some choose to go to a place that comforts them to surround themselves in something familiar and certain. Some turn to God. Some turn to the silence within and scream, cry, rebel in a place where no one else will hear them.

But we all suffer. Quietly, loudly, deeply, mildly, fleetingly, lengthily. However we feel it, it doesn't matter. It's there.

I cope by reading; by experiencing a happy ending vicariously. I cope by knowing small, insignificant details, like what I'm going to wear tomorrow, or next week, or someday. I cope by knowing sitting in the mess of my room, because the mess, in some way, comforts me. Because it's real, and there, and certain, and no amount of cleaning will ever change that.

I cope. Bit by bit. Moment by moment. Detail by detail.

To be fair, life is not always about coping. Sometimes, we can enjoy it. Sometimes we don't have something to cope with.

But most of the time, we cope. Which sucks, a lot.

And in the words of Sarah McLachlan -
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell.

Yeah. This is gonna hurt like hell.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Random Update

Can't believe I fell sick on the same day as Theater finals -_- GAH. I wanted to watch that.

So anyway, as the title implies, this is a random update.

Either than sickness, the only problem I have is with the flight tickets. Can't get decent flight dates right now, we're still on waiting lists. Sucks. I'd be lucky to even be able to attend orientation for uni. I really, really really hope that we get confirmed on some decent flight dates.

Been doing a bit of shopping, a bit of reading, a lot of sleeping. Either than that? My life is a bore. Wish this semester would end already. I'm so ready for it to end. Sick and tired of classes, sick and tired of some lecturers, sick and tired of seeing certain people.

Have to attend some random cousin's wedding this weekend. Er, house party on Friday night, wedding dinner on Saturday night. Don't wanna go, but like I ever have a choice in these things. And I don't even know the cousin. He's just some random cousin whom I've only seen for the first time this year.

Sigh.

Headache, and I still have work to finish. Which I don't really have to do if I decide to skip Macroeconomics. Which I really want to do, because:
1) I don't wanna do the work
2) Don't feel like listening to that lecturer anymore, and
3) Don't feel like being in the same class as a certain fella who sickens me like no other.

To skip, or not to skip.

Right now, I'm leaning towards 'skip', simply because I feel like it.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Cleaning Up

An overdue revamp.

Same color palette, I suppose. Just a different, and much cleaner look.

Now I just need to revamp my life, too. ;)

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

For life

Sometimes we all have to take a step back in life to do a bit of soul-searching.

Problem is, I step back so often that I've forgotten how to step forward.

Getting kinda sick of thinking too much. I just want to live, and not dwell on the mistakes and events of the past.

But living is hard to do. Due to the choices we have to make, the burdens we choose to bear.

Sometimes it's so much easier to live in the past so we stop getting hurt. But we stop being happy, too, don't we?

Now then. I guess I'm just taking a few steps backwards so I can get a running start to the huge leaps I'm gonna make in the future. In theory. ;)

We all need a bit of soul-searching. But I think I've searched so hard that my soul gave up and surrendered, with its hands up, saying 'what the fuck do you want from me?'

Because the soul doesn't give us answers. Or things to be happy about. Or things to live for. Or things to make us happy or sad or something in between.

But life does.

And so we live it, so we can experience the addictive feeling of happiness, and suffer the unbearable feeling of sadness in between the bouts of happiness.

But those short bursts of happiness are worth it.

So we go on, and live. And be happy, and be sad, and be happy again. But mostly sad.

But I'm happy.

For the things I have.
For the things I don't have.
For the person I am today.
For the person I am not.
For the beginnings and endings.
For everything in between.

For life.

Nothing more. Nothing less. Just life.

Read on...

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Not all truths are universal, so I tire of living up to one

I may not have many friends, but the ones I do have, I look after.

I fear failing or disappointing them in some way, and so I try hard to be a good friend.

But right now, I am rather sick of it. I feel like giving up on trying, because too many have disappointed me, failed me in some way.

I'm tired of having this desire to talk to and help friends who are in need of it. They don't listen. Some do, so at least I have that much to hold on to at the end of the day.

I don't want to be a good friend anymore, I don't want to help, I don't want to listen, I don't want to be the sympathetic one who listens and consoles and more, but who is left behind when the person is up again.

I think I'm just that kind of person, though. I'm drawn to friends who are damaged goods, people who are in need of help and don't realize it, people I want to change in some way. I'm not sure if I want to help or change them. I'm really not sure.

I'm not even sure if my intentions are good, all I know is that I want to change these people for the better. My kind of better, not the universal kind of better, because my opinion is just one of many.

I think I just try so hard to help/change them because I want someone to say that I'm a good friend, a savior of some sort, at the end of the day. Maybe I just want some recognition, some validation of my status as a good person and a good friend.

Now, I get sick at the thought of helping or being sympathetic with someone. I'm sure it'll pass.

No, I'm not sad or upset again. Just contemplative, and maybe a bit tired and cynical of life. I'm still happy/content to a certain extent.

But I just wish that someday, someone would look me in the eyes and say 'tell the truth', when I say I'm okay.

Maybe then I'd learn to trust again. Maybe then I'd allow myself to try hard once more.

But for now, I'll just be happy knowing that I have done my best to be all that I can be, and more. To be a good person. To be a good friend. To be a good listener. To be a good everything. But not falsely so. I want to be myself; where myself is something good.

I'm not sure if I've succeeded up to here and now - in fact, I think I failed somewhere along the way - but I shall just be happy with it, right here and right now, because that is the best any person can ever do in his life.

Smile, everyone. Remember that not all truths are universal. Don't live by just one principle, don't live by just one phrase or quote. Don't live by just one philosophy. Because even the best ones have faults.

And when you fail to live up to that one principle, for whatsoever reason, you will start to hate yourself, and perhaps you will live with shame and guilt, for failing that principle, for failing yourself, for failing.

Don't be sad just because, based on your one principle or philosophy, your life is in a mess, or your life is going down the wrong path, or whatever. Don't.

I will not be sad because I have broken my own principles; on being a good friend, on being a good person, on doing my best to make my life as perfect as can be - mess and all.

Because not all truths are universal. And people forget that, all too easily. As I have. As you have. As we all have. As we all undoubtedly will, again and again and again, in the future.

I'm happy. ;) As I must be.

Read on...

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Update

I guess now's a good time for me to update my blog.

So, what's been up in my life?

I got accepted to my university :D
I've gotten my US student visa :D
Only 1 more test before my finals in the first week of December :D

Um. And yea. That's more or less it. Good stuff, except that the fact that I'll be leaving in less than 2 months hasn't sunk in yet. Wonder if it ever will. Probably the week before?

I'm excited, and terrified of finally going to the US. I know it's not such a horrible thing, lots of people go overseas to study and some or most enjoy it. Even those who don't enjoy it say that the experience has made them better.

I don't doubt that. It's just that I'm afraid of leaving my life here behind. Leaving my house behind for the last time - by the time I return for holidays, we'll be staying in a different place. The only house I've ever known, the only home I've ever had. When I return, I'll be returning to a house, not a home. A house, one with the memories of other families and other childhoods, not my own.

I really need this change. I really need to be thrown out of the safety zone for once, because I think I've been a bit sheltered all my life. This room that I have for myself isn't just a room, it's my haven. It wasn't always like that. It took awhile, but somewhere along the way, it became my retreat, the place that I look forward to returning to at the end of the day, mess and all.

I guess my room represents me very well, just like the rooms of other people. It's messy. Very messy. Things strewn all over the floor, books stacked haphazardly on the bookshelf, small items covering the entire surface of my desk, the sofa bed that has never been a bed, and the bed that has never been made.

But somehow, it makes sense. All the mess. It calms me. This is my life, this mess, and I'm comfortable with it. Sometimes I feel the need to take control and clean up the place, but being tidy has never been a forte of mine. Soon enough, it gets messy again. I guess I've given up on taking control of things. Just like my room, just like my life. What I can't control, I live with, and slowly learn to take comfort in it.

We all crave for a perfect life. Everything within our reach, everything nice and tidy and perfect. I used to crave it too, but now I know not to. Somehow I've lost faith in the kind of life where everything is perfect, where there is nothing to mess it up. I feel weird when I walk into a clean bedroom, mine or someone else's. It feels wrong, as if it hasn't been lived in. Like life.

Messy or not, my room is still my room, and my life is still my life.

And soon it'll change. Soon I'll be leaving halfway across the world, in a new place, in a room that would be nothing more than a room.

It's hard to tell where the excitement stops and the trepidation begins. I want this change, but I fear it.

But right now, I'm happy though. I still get upset every now and then for whatever reasons, but overall I guess I'm still moving along fine.

And that's what's important, right? Regardless of what happens, you learn to be fine with it, and learn to live with it. Not that you won't try to change some things, but there are things that, at the end of the day, are meant to be lived with, and nothing more.

So, yeah. I'm happy. Not HAPPY! :D :D, but happy. And that's all I need, for now.

Read on...

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One last bit of drama, before happy clappy stuff

I decided to shove my pride aside and be the first apologize.

How childish we were, and perhaps still are, ignoring each other. Told Sara, "we're being so childish, ignoring each other. In fact, I'll go talk to him now."

I stepped into the room, he was typing away doing work that was due in an hour. One of the last few still doing it. Most of us had already submitted it. Probably noticed it was me, which was why he didn't look up.

"Look," I started, "I'm sorry for whatever I've done, especially for talking behind your back."

He kept on reading and typing. I stood there for a few awkward moments.

"Jung Wei?"

He replied without looking up, "can't you see I'm doing work, due in like an hour."

I was startled. Disappointed? I don't know. I don't even know what I was expecting. Sometimes when people choose to throw their pride aside and be the so-called bigger person, they don't realize what they really want. All they think of, beforehand, is doing the right thing.

I took a few step backwards to the door, opened it a bit more frantically than I would've liked. Added one last line, "if you still wanna be friends, that's up to you." And closed the door.

And just then, I knew that that was the last straw to our friendship. Even if he apologizes in the future, I don't know if I could accept it. I probably couldn't. Not from him, not from that kind of person, someone who could do that to a friend. I tried to meet him halfway, but I just felt like an idiot, standing halfway there by myself.

Now I should've felt liberated for doing that. I wanted to. It felt like the right thing to do. I'd told myself before I stepped in there, "I don't care what he does, but I want to do this. It's the right thing to do."

But now I know I'm just disappointed. Deep down inside, I wanted it to have worked.

At least I had good timing. I have 2 days to order myself to not be embarrassed or disappointed when I see that fella on Monday.

Now I'm just confused. Why do I still feel off when I did what I thought was the right thing to do?

----------------------------

BACK TO HAPPY CLAPPY NEWS

So anyway, I just submitted that History 106 paper due today. Thankfully. I have no more assignments for the rest of the semester, just 2 more tests and the final exams left.

Strangely enough, I'm doing exceedingly well in History 106 and Macroeconomics o.O Kinda annoying that I'm doing so well in my last semester, when I don't need the grades anymore. Oh well.

I feel good now, like a weight that's been lifted off my back. Not that there isn't more to do, I still need to do my student visa.. but that's it, I suppose.

I have 2 months left here, I can't let myself be all down and out during these last few weeks. I need to be happy, so I can enjoy what's left of it.

Although I feel off right now, I still feel better. ;) Phew.

Read on...

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One + One + One

I used to have these two friends.

One was from school,
one was from college.

One was a close friend,
one was a newly close friend.

One I'd helped a lot,
one I'd only begun to help.

One said, "you've been a good friend",
and deja vu,
the other echoed to me months after,
"yea, you're a good friend"

One started ignoring me over a friendly jibe,
one insulted me when I tried to help.

One hasn't spoken to me for several months,
one is apparently thinking of apologizing but hasn't,
and whose pride will probably prevent it anyway.

One forgot the many times
I listened to him and helped him,
one forgot the handful of times
I listened to him and tried to help,
and both forgot how to treat me like a friend.

They both treated me like crap.
And forgot that I'm a good friend.
Not just a good friend, actually.
But a fucking good friend.

Now I just don't know.

If either were to ever apologize,
for their blows that struck too deep,
through the cold silence,
or heat of anger,
would I be right in telling them,
that my friendship is no longer theirs to have?

That for the friendship I gave freely,
I would trust freely,
and once my trust they'd abuse,
the friendship I'd given freely,
I'd withdraw freely?

Would I still be a good friend then,
or a shade of that good friend I once was,
or a good friend for teaching them
that some mistakes are never meant to be made?

Either way, I hate being the bigger person,
the one who sucks it in,
the one who takes more blows than he deals,
the one who understands,
the one who suffers quietly,
and smiles in front of everyone else,
except for when he can't smile anymore,
and the bigger person he no longer is.

I hate being the one
who wants to say 'fuck off',
but smiles and says what the
bigger person says,
the thank yous,
and it's okays,
and I forgive yous,
and I appreciate its,
because he knows that what he wants,
he wants less than,
wanting to say what a good friend says.

Read on...

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Testing 1 2 3

Upset? CHECK!
Angry? CHECK!
Bitter? CHECK!
Pissed? CHECK!
Sad? CHECK!!!

Blogging juices good to go!!!!!

BLOGGING, ACTIVATE!

SO LIKE, DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN YOU HAVE A CLOSE FRIEND WHO REFUSES TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE AND ONLY THINKS THAT HE'S RIGHT ALL THE TIME, LIKE, THAT IS JUST SO SO ANNOYING AND PLEBEIAN AND DISGUSTING AND LIKE SO TOTALLY LAST SEASON, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE HURLS PERSONAL INSULTS AT YOU EVEN WHEN YOU'RE JUST OFFERING CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM UNTIL YOU GET SO PISSED THAT YOU THROW CASH ON THE DINNER TABLE AND STORM OFF, AND THEN YOU GO OFF AND WALK AROUND AND THINK YOURSELF INTO AN EVER DEEPER HOLE OF ANGER AND FRUSTRATION AND BITTERNESS AND SADNESS THAT YOU CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT AND BLOG USING ALMOST ALL CAPITAL LETTERS ONCE YOU GET HOME AND LOG INTO BLOGGER FASTER THAN THOSE AUNTIES WHO SPOT A LARGE RED IN-YOUR-FACE 'SALE 70% OFF!!' SIGN CAN DASH TO THE STORE AND BUY 27 OUTFITS THAT ARE TOO TIGHT FOR THEM, JUST SO YOU CAN WRITE YOUR FEELINGS AWAY AS IF THEY WERE LAST SEASON'S CAST-OFFS?

I KNOW I DO!

Read on...

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Drawing the line

When is it okay for you to draw the line when a friend goes overboard and treats you like crap, but you've been at the very least trying to prevent an argument by not bringing up the reasons why you're fucking pissed?

We should be patient with our friends. But seriously, if Mother Theresa were in my place she would've snapped and shoved her rosary down my friend's throat already.

And wouldn't I be doing him a favor by telling him off, since he's getting out of control? Wouldn't I be doing him a favor, as a friend, by giving him a severe dressing down to make him realize how fucking stupid he's acting?

He himself has participated in conversations where he says that 'friends should do so and so', but he himself isn't being a very good friend.

In fact, the closer a friend you are to him, the worse he treats you. What the fuck is up with that? Ya you should be polite to strangers, but you shouldn't abuse your friendship just because you expect friends to be forgiving and because you don't have to put up that social barrier of courtesy like you would if you were talking to a stranger.

What kind of friend treats his closest friends the worst?

How fucking twisted.

Fucking pisses me off.

Read on...

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When in doubt... ask your journal

Gah, I am seriously depressed.

One thing though - is it still depression if I can still go around smiling and laughing and telling jokes? But then again, I've never not been able to go around smiling and laughing and telling jokes. Even when depressed.

I'm good at hiding my feelings, I guess.

Although, when I smile nowadays it doesn't reach my eyes.

I think it's forgotten how to reach my eyes. That, or it's forgotten that it could.

But it's funny though. I want so much for people to notice, for them to see that there's something wrong and ask me about it. But at the same time, I don't want to tell them. Don't want to share the burden. I mean, I do my best to act like nothing's wrong all the time anyway. Funny how I want one thing but act in such a way that covers it up.

Maybe it's because of pride. Maybe I'd just be embarassed. I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid of having more people know about how I really feel all the time.

Maybe I'm afraid to trust?

So, is it depression if you know you feel sad all the time but you can still act like you're not? Because I know I'm not happy, nor am I content. I'm just... sad? But I still go around smiling and laughing. I'm rarely even pensive.

Read on...

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A New Day

I don't want it to be tomorrow, ever.

They say that a new day is a new beginning.

Pfft, I beg to differ.

I will have the same problems, worries, and issues to deal with tomorrow. And the same feelings - the same fucking feelings that I wish would go away.

Sigh. A new day, a new adventure. Adventure indeed. Too much, I think.

But hey - I've been feeling a bit better recently. Not too much better, but enough that I don't wallow in self-pity all the time anymore.

Now, it's only half the time. ;)

Is that an improvement? I suppose it is. Better than nothing, at the very least.

So hey, here's to a new day, everyday, every month, every year from now on. Time may be the greatest cure, but I sure wish it would cure faster.

Read on...

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Without You - Rent, sung by the characters Roger and Mimi

[Mimi]
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

[Mimi and Roger]
The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue,
only blue, lonely blue, within me, blue.

[Mimi]
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

[Roger]
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

[Roger]
The mind churns!

[Mimi]
The mind churns!

[Roger]
The heart yearns!

[Mimi]
The heart yearns!

[BOTH]
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone.

[Both]
Cause I die, without you.

[Roger]
Without you.

[BOTH]
Without you

--------------------

Song of the moment ;)

I like the perspective. Life goes on, but I die anyway.

Without you, I die. Everything's okay with the rest of the world, but I die.

Love the perspective.

Read on...

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Once you've hit sky high, the only way to go is down

I am exhausted.

Emotionally.

Not physically or mentally.

Spiritually?

I need to remember how to keep going on.

Just like I did, the first time it happened.

But I'll just lay here, for now.

While I wait for this feeling to pass.

Not that it will. Not anytime soon. Not soon enough.

---------

I need to post more happy things here...

Read on...

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Of Expression

There are so many things I want to tell to people. To strangers, to friends, to family, to anyone I will ever meet in my life.

We're always too bothered about watching our words, about whether our words will have a negative impact, about whether our words will bring about an unexpected reaction.

I wish I knew how to shrug that off and tell people everything I wish to tell. I want to learn how to communicate, how to express myself to others so that they may understand me wholly and completely without judging me.

If I could only express myself in such a way that would have no negative consequences, in such a way that would not alienate anyone who suddenly finds that my opinion goes against theirs, in such a way that they could just smile and thank me for trusting them that much. In such a way that they could understand me as I understand myself.

Words are inadequate. Body language, the language of smiles and frowns and touches and movement is inadequate. The relationship you share with the person is inadequate.

I think, even if I sat in a room with someone else and tried to explain myself to them for an entire lifetime, they still would not understand me.

So how do I tell people of all the things I wish I could tell? Of the things I wish I could share? Of life, of myself, of secrets, of hopes and desires and failings and regrets and of things that make me really and truly happy?

How do I make them understand?

Perhaps I will never know. Perhaps, between now and the end of my life, there will be an ocean of things left unsaid, left untold, left unexpressed.

Perhaps there is a language that we have not yet discovered, that I have not yet discovered, a language that would be able to capture all that was, and is, and will be us. A language that you and I will speak, a language that we will all speak.

But until then, I shall be left unexpressed.

Read on...

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From 'Rent', the musical

There is no future
There is no past
Thank god this moments not the last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will i wake tomorrow
From this nightmare
Theres only now
Theres only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

--------------

On a side note, I love the movie Rent, which is actually a musical. The songs are absolutely amazing :)

Read on...

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Nuclear Launch Detected

My heart, or rather, feelings and I seem to have an uneasy truce between each other.

I hate feelings sometimes, but I need them to live as a human being, to be a human being.
My heart makes me feel things I'd rather not feel sometimes, but it knows that going too far would be too heavy on it and me.

We get along, every now and then.

But there are times - like now - when it forgets itself, and runs far far ahead with the feelings, not allowing me time to keep up or block it.

I hate it.

I don't want to feel this way.

I'd rather feel sad or angry or depressed or spiteful or something. Or even an aching emptiness. That would do. I'd rather hate or despise or detest or intensely dislike.
I'd rather.. be happy than feel this. This.. stupid combination.

Love and loneliness do NOT mix well.

But hey. Today was a good day, I went to gym and starting working out again, finally. :) And.. yeah. I should be happy and so annoyingly cheerful that people get jealous.

Bah.

*starts arguing with heart*...
*loses miserably -_-*

Read on...

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Is my life a life if no one is there to notice it?

I feel so extremely lonely right now.

I don't know when or why my life went wrong.

Either that, or I'm terribly clumsy at choosing friends. At choosing the paths in my life. At choosing.

Who is there for me?

Not those of strong faith, because my opinions go against them.
Not family, because I cannot tell them all about myself.
Not friends, because none of them know entirely about me, only parts of me.

Who is left, for one with too many opinions, too many secrets, too many fears?

There is no one to turn to. I cannot turn to God. I cannot turn to people. Nor plants or animals, because they do not understand me, nor do I understand them.

There is a reason why I cannot bring myself to share my story wholly and completely.

There is a reason why I hesitate to be the first to say 'I love you'.

Humans have forgotten how to listen. I have forgotten how to trust.

And it is so lonely, too lonely, in the trustless world of mine.

But I go on, don't I? Ever the great, perfect actor, with the perfect life, the charmed existence where I can cast no shadows either than those I choose to cast.

No one ever knows me as the thinker, the feeler, the one whose walls do nothing to protect the heart within.

Everyone expects so much of me. Thinks so highly of me.

Rich kid Hisham. Smart kid Hisham. Wise kid Hisham. Hisham who can do no wrong, except for those that are shallow and superficial.

So I go on. With this charmed life, blessed existence. But blessings can also be a curse. There are two sides to everything. There is nothing that is wholly good or bad.

Charmed life, lonely life, trustless life.

I wish, so deeply and desperately, that someone would give me a reason to trust again.

Read on...

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The Socratic Method

A: Let us speak of truth and religion. What is the truth?
B: I would say that truth is what a lot of people believe in, something that many people can learn to appreciate and love at the same time. Something that holds them together. That is the truth.
A: Ah. But different people believe in different things, don't they? Like religion?
B: Well.. yes, I believe so.
A: So does that make all that every single person believes in, true?
B: Based on what I have said, yes.
A: Then there is the problem. How can two opposing things be true? How can two contradictory ideas be true?
B: I do not know...
A: So based on what you say, truth is merely what people believe in, a human convention? It is not the ultimate truth, per se, but only what people choose to be true?
B: I suppose so.
A: And don't people choose to believe that religion is true? Because, as I have established - due to the existence of more than one religion, doesn't it mean that religion is merely a human convention, not a universal truth?
B: It appears to be so.
A: So we are back at square one. Let us try a different approach. Do you think there is an ultimate truth?
B: I do.
A: Assuming that there is an ultimate truth, wouldn't it - once known - be able to unite everyone, and not fragment them? For if it were an ultimate truth, it would be equally appealing to every single person, regardless of their upbringing or culture or personal character?
B: Yes, I agree.
A: Does religion unite every single person alive?
B: No.
A: Ah. But each religion proclaims that it is the ultimate truth. But it cannot unite everyone, cannot appeal to the logic and heart of every single person. So it cannot be the ultimate truth, don't you think so?
B: I suppose...
A: So no religion can be the ultimate truth?
B: It pains me to admit this, but yes.
A: So what is the ultimate truth? What is truth?
B: I don't know. But I still believe in religion.
A: Even despite all that I have said before this?
B: Yes.
A: Why?
B: Because it is easier to believe in something I know. I cannot believe in something I do not know.
A: I see. Even though it might not be true?
B: I cannot ever believe that what I believe in is not true.
A: Ah. Most human beings, save a handful, would be in the same boat as you there.

Read on...

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Whatever

I don't get this whole.. 'I believe my religion is right and true, but I accept your religion and respect it nonetheless'.

Whatever. Stop pretending.

Why can't it be 'I don't know whether my religion is true or not, but it is what I believe in.'

It shouldn't be about who's right or wrong or true or false. It shouldn't. It's just about what you believe in.

Most of the time, people cannot communicate with someone of opposing beliefs because they operate from the perspective that they are absolutely right and true.

But they are not. It's not 'true' just because they believe in it.

Stop talking from your high pedestal. Get down so we may all talk like normal human beings. Not go all judgmental of each other.

Read on...

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Help Me

To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-e e cummings

I truly understand that quote now.

------------

Why should I be punished for something out of my control?
Why should I feel pain over something I didn't choose myself?
Why should I have to try to undo what I didn't do myself?
Why, and why, and why?

There is no answer. No voice, no thought, no whisper in the dark speaking of hope and clarity and truth. No angel, no message of salvation, no glimpse of heaven.

It is unfair. So unfair. Unfair on so many levels, so many ways, in so many moments and places. Unfair before, and now, and always. Forever unfair.

Don't speak to me of justice, of salvation, of there being fairness and goodness, when you don't know what it's like to see none of them.

Tell that to the starving children, the forlorn parents, the everyday people who have to watch as the people around them die, the people who slowly die themselves.

Tell that to those who have to live with decisions they do not make, those who have to live with something out of their control.

Don't speak to me of being thankful of what I have, of who I am, of where I am now, because I am thankful. But I am equally unthankful for what I do not have and of who I am not - but mostly, of who I am not. I am unthankful of the suffering people have to go through, day in, day out, with little or no chance of respite.

I do not want to thankful for what I have, just so that it makes it 'alright' that others are suffering. Is is like turning a blind eye to all that is wrong in the world. 'I am alright. I am thankful. All is right and as is should be in the world.'

And we all know; that isn't true.

Unfair. It is so unfair. One can have great wealth and more, and yet be unhappy with who they are, what they are. Unfair. Being thankful doesn't make the problem go away.

I do realize; I am luckier than most. But that is a stupid excuse for happiness. I will always be luckier than someone else.

I lose one arm, someone else has lost both arms and a leg. I lose one leg, someone else has lost their families, their life and heart and breath and soul. What makes them live; gone.

It is not an excuse for all that is wrong. Never. Things can be improved; just because my life is better than most, doesn't mean that it's fine and shouldn't be improved.

'Oh, I'm luckier than a homeless person; I should be all happy clappy about my life.'

Right.

As if.

I do not know whether there is a God. Perhaps there is.

But, if there is... God, I have message for you.

Stop messing up in creating people. Please.

Do not say something and create something else.

I don't know what game you're playing. You're like a kid, taking the toys out to play, but eventually putting them where they came from. Some with a missing limb or two, some obliterated, some all scratched up, some fine and perfect - but they all return, eventually.

Do not throw a tantrum when you create something, and give it life, and then tell it to go against who and what it is, against all it's natural tendencies. There is nothing worse than a confused living, sentient being.

Because then it has no identity, no known purpose, nothing from which it can derive its desire to go on and live.

and I am confused.

I don't understand, and perhaps never will.

Someone, something, anything.

Help me.

Read on...

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Zeno of Newcastle, Australia

"Be in the present. It is the only time in which you can do the things that make you alive!" -Zeno of present day

Read on...

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Gah

I know I'm late, I know I need to get moving.

But don't come into my room to use the phone, and criticize me while talking on the phone with your girlfriend, WITH ME THERE.

And that was right after you said you wouldn't interfere for now since it's exam week for me, in that patronizing tone that never fails to rile me.

I know you care. But that's not the right way to show it.

I KNOW I'm late. Don't need to remind me.

Read on...

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Personality, tested

Fine, I decided to cheat a little and just use the results from an online personality test. From perex.com ... oh well. Here are the results:

--------------------

You are exceptional and unique. Your quest in life is to identify exactly who you are and why you’re here. What’s important to you is the journey of self discovery, determining who you are today is not the same as who you’ll be tomorrow.

You resist being categorized and are quick to question any social standard that you sense someone imposing on you. Stereotypical gender roles always interest you and, in your mind, connect to issues that most other people would never even consider related.

You can “connect” with any individual person and practically read their mind, but you have a natural tendency to match your actions to the expectations you read from their mind and yearn for company that lets you truly, naturally be yourself. You struggle between letting yourself naturally match the sentiment of the group (which feels like putting on a façade) or letting your individuality shine, which may allow people to see how different you are.

You are particularly accepting of other people and have a special talent for seeing people’s true selves instinctively. It takes time for you to trust your gut instinct about people because even you don’t believe that someone could be so right about another person’s nature so quickly. This intuitive sense about what people are thinking (which is actually your hyper-attention to nonverbal cues) is your special talent. You may think it is available to everyone and that others just ignore it, but in truth others could never develop the skill to the level which comes naturally to you.

To you everything happens on a personal level. Your friends come to you for advice because they know that you’ll love them for who they are and put yourself in their shoes to look at the world. Your advice, although varied in delivery, usually boils down to “be true to yourself” and “listen to your heart.” You are also an excellent confidant because things told to you never return to anyone through the grapevine. You exude this quality so strongly that even strangers will sometimes spontaneously begin confiding their deepest secrets in you.

Despite all of that, you are not much of a talker. In fact, words sometimes trip you up because you prefer nonverbal communication. Unfortunately, most of the world is not as attuned to nonverbal communication the way you are, so your opinion can get overshadowed if a more outspoken person is part of the decision.

You focus more on nurturing other’s self esteem than any other type. As a result of this naturally caring nature your close friends often turn to you for moral support.

You are by far the most talented of all types at reading nonverbal cues. In your admirable attempts to convey a message diplomatically, those who aren't sensitive to inflection, tone, insinuations or body language sometimes simply do not get your message because they only receive the verbal half of what you said.

In the same way that you're the best at reading nonverbal cues, you're also the best at sending them. When you speak they miss the nonverbal half of your message, then they speak and transmit twice the message (verbal + nonverbal) which often gives away more than they intended but is sometimes carelessly inaccurate since they don’t send nonverbal cues as well as you do. When you're tempted to assign bias based on someone’s tone or other nonverbal cues it is wise to have them restate what they said and see if ignoring the careless, unintentional nonverbal half of their message lets the true meaning through.

If you have children your focus is making sure that your child has a strong self-image and high self-esteem. More than other parents it is important for you to be friends with your children.

You are more philosophical than most and passionately think about ethics and justice more than other types. It is when ethical issues come up in conversation that you most strongly sense that you are fundamentally different from other people. You become visually emotionally focused when these issues arise, while others easily laugh them off and switch topics to something trivial. To you, it seems that everyone should be passionate about ending racism, sexism and other social ills.

You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that rules or laws should be ignored. You think constantly about improving laws, and see that at a major avenue for advancing social change because you see legislation and rule creation as the consensus opinion of the group working together. For you the focus is seeing everyone working together in harmony.

You are a healer and probably give great massages and know what foods will make people happy again. You prefer to surround yourself with direct, honest, authentic people who let you reinvent yourself every time you meet. You want nothing more than for there to be peace and harmony in the world, and your actions clearly reflect that vision.

You are more strongly moved by poetry and artistic expression than any other type. You are interested in the finer points of different artistic mediums, having many complete and incomplete poems and stories in your head if not on paper.

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Wonder how much it reflects the true me... :p Sounds too good to be true.

Read on...

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Strange?

Is it strange that an 18-year old boy loves to read and imagine and dream, while others go out and play sports and party?

Is it strange that, at my age, words and songs and stories can touch me, inspire me, make me feel and understand what I have never felt, or understood, and move me in ways that I never even knew were possible?

Is it strange that someone who has not even reached adulthood dreams of the joys of parenting, dreams of the children that have yet to come, feels the happiness and anguish and desires and fears of a parent, a father, a protector, an inspiration?

Is it strange for a teenager to feel as if they are an older soul stuck in youth, desperate to be adult again, desperate to be whole?

Is it strange for an individual who has not experienced much to be able to experience and relish a life that he has not lived before, simply from reading and listening with the mind and the heart?

Is it strange for someone who has everything they need to want more - to know what makes a person happy, to know how to move a person to joy and life, to know the smiles and tears of people so that this someone could share in both?

Is is strange that the self-proclaimed bastion of inner strength and advocate of self-driven identity feels bleak and incomplete, though the flaws in the facade rarely appear?

Is it strange for someone who hides behind high walls - walls that he himself has put up with great care - wishes that the walls would crumble so that he himself may step out?

Is it strange to look out the window and fear the darkness, waiting only for a time that a light appears so that you could have the strength to step out and reveal yourself?

Is it strange for a person desperately want to trust, but can never bring himself to do so?

Is it strange for a warrior to desire to throw down his armor, so that he may learn to relax and feel the rain and wind and life on his skin, for in armor he only feels them where there are gaps and flaws?

Is it strange to want a soul to see through your defences so that they may see the real you?

Is it strange, then, to be me?

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Strange post, I know, but these are strange times. I'd call it a transitional period, one where everything is unsettled, and you don't know what is real and what is not, what you are and what you are not. But my mood is good - still.

What inspired this? A song. A Malay song, which makes it even weirder. But, regardless of the language, the words mean something to me. The words make me feel. I love the song. Perhaps the only Malay song I have ever loved?

Ku tatap gambar wajahmu
Sinar mata itu
Lirik senyumanmu
Pesona yang membelai
Wajahmu bercahaya
Memberi bahagia
Tiap yang memandang
Hati jadi salju
Kau terlalu istimewa
Kasih dan sayangmu terpancar
Seikhlas
Tiada batasan terus membara
Terkilan rasa jiwa
Inginku lihatmu dewasa
Apa daya
Tuhan menyayangimu
Ku pasti kau berbahagia
Duduk di samping-Nya
Mendengar cerita
Segala rahsia
Tak tertanggung rindu
Mendengar suaramu
Tawa mengusik jiwa

-Terlalu Istimewa, by Adibah Noor

...that is all, I suppose.

ps: Thanks Muizz for the song! :)

Read on...

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On writing, and what I mean to write

I guess now's a good time to think about the book that I will eventually write. I suppose that the problem, up to now, has been about... what's the main theme of the book? What are the supporting themes, and how do I plan to integrate them into the book?

We can all agree that writing a book without direction isn't exactly good writing. I can't simply write 'One day...' and hope that somehow the story flows from there. It's useless.

Hm. Having said that, what DO I intend to write? What ideas or feelings do I want to convey to readers, and why?

Perhaps I shall begin with what the story shall revolve around.

I've always been fascinated with the idea of Gods or deities, of what we know or do not know, of what goes bump at night. Not that I do much research on these things, but I do think of them a lot. I suppose that growing up in a society which thrives on these things nurtures that, yeah?

But, at the same time, I've always thought about human ability as well. Human power. Humans depending on themselves, rather than a god or gods, for that inner strength that some people have. Some people attribute this inner strength to a greater being than themselves. Some people attribute this inner strength to no one or nothing else but themselves.

So, I intend to combine these two. I wish to create gods with human emotions, beings of great strength who think and feel and belief as we do. If gods walk the earth, and are acknowledged as gods, what do they depend on? Their great power? Themselves? They themselves have immense power and ability, but would they still believe that there is something else greater out there? How then would I combine a human's inner strength and a god's powers?

Hm. But that's more of a 'setting' for my story, isn't it? Not a theme or idea.

So what are some of the ideas that I have? I'm not entirely certain, but I guess I've thought of some things.

One would be the intensity and passion of friendships. I do love a good love story every now and then, but honestly I am equally fascinated by the dynamics of friendship. Some friends, you have to talk to all the time, and once the contact is gone, the feeling is gone. Some friends you can leave for months and months at a time, and when you meet again you act as if you'd never been apart at all. What are friends? What makes a good friend or a bad friend or a friend for life? Where does friendship end and love begin? These are all questions I wish to ask, although as of now I'm still not sure how to explore these ideas effectively.

One hurdle that I shall have to cross somehow is... how to express sentimental or emotional moments in writing. Especially if I intend to explore the friendship angle. You know how guy friends get 'weirded out' when one of them says something affectionate about their friendship? I suppose the same can be said about writing it. Whatever friends I create in the story, I intend to have them saying or doing things that will have normal people 'weirded out' :P. I'm not sure why, but this is something I feel strongly about.

Maybe it's my way of saying to everyone out there, and to the people whom they love as friends and family, that they should learn how to say how they feel, to be confident enough not to remain quiet and allow friendships to end or love to disappear. Sometimes, being silent is a greater mistake than saying something, when there is something to be said. But then again, maybe it's because all my life, I've been afraid of being lonely, afraid of losing my friends. Sometimes I sit among them and wonder; do they really think of me as a friend? Sometimes I just want them to look me in the eye and tell me that I am a friend, and even better, a good one. This just got worse after the falling out of sorts with someone whom I thought to be my friend, if not best friend. But it was only imagined friendship on my part.

Hence, passion in friendship is something that I would really want to explore in the story. I'm not sure how yet, but.. I just want to do it. I want to learn how to be unabashedly sentimental.

What else?

A second theme would be individuality, difference, and diversity. Our society thrives on uniformity and conformity. Sometimes they say that they want people to be unique, fresh, and uniquely special, but I know now that that isn't true. Difference isn't celebrated in society. No matter how they sugar-coat it, calling someone else 'unique' or 'special' or 'original' does not change the fact that in someone else's mind, that person is 'different'.

People are always looking for someone to lead them, a savior, an innovator, but when these people come along, they are ostracized by being different, for wanting to rise above their station, for wanting to champion new ideas and change and difference and acceptance. No one wants a universal savior or champion. No one wants to associate with someone who sees what they don't see, feels what they can't feel, believes what they don't believe, and this different person would be labeled as crazy or delusional. What they want is a champion for themselves, a champion who will take up THEIR cause, and not the cause of every single person in the world. They don't want to be put on the same level as those who are different from them.

A real savior, I believe, would be one who champions all good causes, who favors no one over another. For everyone believes that their 'goodness' is better than someone else's 'goodness'. A Muslim might accept Christians, and would tell us not to harm these people, but there would still be that feeling of distrust, that patronizing voice in them that says 'they would all go to hell, for they are not us.' Somehow, a single fact about a person would diminish all the good that person has done in their entire life. I want to write about accepting others with no patronizing feeling whatsoever, of accepting them wholly and unconditionally.

Therefore, I want to write about individuality, difference, of what is new and unknown and untested. And the possible truth and justice in this 'new' thing. People are always searching for 'truth', but I suspect when the truth hits them, they will brush it away or wouldn't believe in it because it might contradict what they 'know' or believe in, or perhaps what they have been brought up to believe. The truth is out there, but when it comes, will we be able to recognize it?

Hm. So. That's all for now? I'd love to write more, but it's late, and I'm not sure about the other themes yet.

Heh. That is all then, for now.

Read on...

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You're nobody til somebody loves you - Dean Martin

You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

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I'm trying to tell myself that the song doesn't ring true for me, that I'm satisfied, content, and perhaps even happy despite my unattached status.

It's not working.

Read on...

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Changes, changes, here and there and everywhere.

I like the title. Heh.

So yea. Changes everywhere. Transitional time in my life.

I HATE it. A lot.

Not that I'm unhappy or depressed, I just don't want my life to change. I like the state of limbo I'm in. State of limbo forever!!!

So yea.

Found an interesting snippet, which sometimes sums it up for me:
Sometimes when
I say
"oh I'm fine"
I want someone
to look me in the
eyes and say
"tell the truth"

Yea. Limbo. Not quite happy, not quite sad, just limbo.

And limbo's fine, if a bit unremarkable.

Read on...

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Oh my God

"What's god?"
"You know when you close your eyes and wish really hard?"
"Yeah"
"God's the guy that ignores you."
"Oh."

...Seems quite apt, at the moment.

Also, "all is water." So says Thales of Miletus.

Read on...

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Omg, like, a new post!!

I haven't updated here in ages. Wow.

What's been happening? Everything, I guess.

I finally managed to convince my mom to let me go to the US in January 2007 instead of August 2006 :) Hoorah, more time to spend time with friends here.

My public relations class is seriously draining my life. There's so much work involved, from interviews, to written assignments, to presentations, and horrible tests. It's not only heavy on theories, but also heavy on practical work. Sheesh. I can't believe how horrible the course is, and to think that PR is supposed to be my major -_- Bah, I'm dead.

Theater class = fun, but a LOT of work. A LOT. More than people would generally believe. I had fun for midterms, but for some reason our group isn't really shaping up for the finals. I think we're all just exhausted, and they depend too much on only one or two members. Because of that, if say one or both of the key members cannot make it to a meeting, the meeting is cancelled, and nothing happens. Sad, isn't it? I was hoping that the others would step up and do more work this time around. Seems that I'm mistaken.

What else? Yea, busy as hell, that's all. Sociology is... Sociology. Not too work intensive, but still. It does seem pleasant in comparison to my other courses though. All we do is sit in class, listen, and understand. Not that hard, come to think of it.

I hate American History -_- I will admit that the lecturer is a nice guy, but he is extremely boring. The subject is extremely boring. And there's no textbook, all we have to depend on are our notes... how sad is that? I'm always too busy sleeping to take notes effectively, so I resort to copying the notes of other people. Oh yea, this reminds me that I need to start work on the research paper. Great. More work.

I really cannot wait until this semester ends. Really really cannot wait. Omg Aussie trip, how I long for you. I want a vacation. Gaaaaaaaaah.

This semester needs to end.

The end.

Read on...

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