Haha, I haven't updated in a long, LONG time. Heh. Not that I don't want to post anything, though. I just.. have no idea what to talk about.
So what's been happening? Nothing much. Semester ended. Life goes on.
It's silly how we wait and wait for the holidays to arrive, but when they do, we find that we have nothing to do. Or we lose the motivation to go out. I guess the main reason why we're so excited about holidays is because it breaks the monotony of college/school/working life. On the other hand, once the holidays arrive... well, it might be exciting at first, but later on it becomes monotonous too.
I've been relaxing a lot :) As usual. Playing World of Warcraft - it's amazing. Either than that, I haven't really been doing much. It's a great feeling though, knowing that you don't have to do anything today, knowing that you don't have a deadline to meet - for now, at least, for the next semester will eventually begin.
I do enjoy the fact that I have all this time to myself. I don't know. It may be boring after awhile due to the lack of human interaction, but in the end we do find more time to think about our life, think about ourselves and what we want to do. I find that people - at least to me - show their true nature whenever they're alone, or when they do not notice others around them. I don't know. Either that, or when they're sleeping. When they're relaxed, no sneer, no smile, no nothing. Just them.
Weird, huh? I just think that people are real when they don't have others around them observing and judging them. Moments where it's just them in their own little world, no mask, no persona... just them. Like athletes or performers sometimes say... right at the pinnacle of the moment, everything else fades away, it's just them, and the rest of the world ceases to exist.
And it's the same with love, isn't it? Not that I know much of it, but from second-hand accounts I'm sure I know a little :p. Two people lost in their own little world, when they see each other in a moment where they are both real, genuine, with no mask or walls between them.
That's why I do enjoy being alone. I don't feel like I have to act a certain way. It's just me, myself and I, and there's no real way to hide from yourself. We're amazing at lying to others, but for me, I find that lying to ourselves is much harder. You can stick your hand into a flame and it would be painful - trying to lie to yourself is like telling yourself that the flame doesn't burn you, that you remain unharmed from it, that your hand is fine and untouched by the flame; something that it is not.
Different people expect me to behave in different ways, or rather they are so used to seeing me behave in a certain way that it becomes a tendency to me to simply do as I have done before this. Some expect me to play the spoiled rich kid - which I am not, I assure you. Some expect me to be wise. Some expect me to be silly. Some expect me to be smart and successful.
And I play along. Silly, I know, but I do. I just feel like if I deviate from the normal, if I introduce an element of uncertainty in my interaction with friends and family, the dynamic will change. I don't want people to have to judge me a 2nd time. One time is enough. You know how sometimes... a friend whom you thought you knew all this time suddenly tells you something that you would never have expected?
It's not just that one message that changes. The whole relationship changes. You begin to wonder if you really knew the person after all. You begin to question every moment, scrutinize every word to see if it fits with the new mold. It changes. You're not as open anymore, because you don't want to be surprised again. Of course, if you are kind, gracious, and open-minded - qualities that are sorely lacking in today's society - you might probably brush it off and go on with the other person like nothing happened.
But, the fact still remains that more questions will appear, more doubts and fears. I don't want that to happen to the people I know. I don't want them to look at me as if they never knew me, as if there were miles and miles between us when there were none before. I know, I talk about wanting to be myself and how people are honest with themselves blablabla, but we all put up masks in front of people. As for how much the mask reflects the truth? I don't know. Some are elaborately painted, changing the person completely. Some are half-masks. Some are hardly masks. But we all cover ourselves, as much as we try to deny it.
Save for those few moments, perhaps, like what I mentioned earlier - like two lovers who are caught in their own world, seeing the honesty and sincerity of each other. But it can work both ways. A wife, for example, could be in denial if her husband keeps abusing her and yet she claims that he loves her. Then one day, in a long, long moment, they would again be caught in the moment, and in that moment the wife truly sees her husband for who he is.
Heh, that's why I like being on my own sometimes. It allows me to be myself. Whether that is good or bad... well, I don't know, but I guess we do sometimes need to take a good look at ourselves. We are, after all, responsible for who we are. Some people claim that their behavior is out of their control, that it is who they are - but we, and the people around us - are the ones who really shape ourselves. It IS within our control, despite the locus of control being slightly out of our reach sometimes.
Those who claim that they can't change? Well, nice way to say that you just don't want to put in the effort to change. Even if it's for the better, even if there are people who depend on them and hope that this change takes place. People who say things like 'sorry, I can't understand where you're coming from because I've been brought up that way' just don't want to change.
Bah. Sometimes self-reflection sucks, because you see things you don't want to see. But it's good that we see these things. We'll know what to do with ourselves. By understanding ourselves, we understand the world, because the world around is defined by who we are. Everyone sees things in their own way. Their memories and experiences define how they interpret things, how they approach a topic... defines how the world around them is.
We always wonder what the meaning of life is. Don't bother. We don't even know ourselves yet, so why bother with life?
And.. with that, I've run out of things to say. That's all for now.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
The Long-forgotten Post
Saturday, October 22, 2005
When words cease to flow...
I've felt strange lately.
Very strange.
Well, hm... how should I put it. It's as if something is holding me back. I feel like something with me isn't right, like some part of me is broken. It's odd.
I am, and have always been, a storyteller. But the words have ceased to flow. I always imagine myself writing - or perhaps, typing - the story of my life, frowning every now and then, smiling whenever my story reaches a grand, joyful crescendo. It's odd, how I envision myself as this person who just keeps on writing.
But the problem is, right now, I've stopped. Right now I'm just staring at the book, confused and fascinated by my lack of inspiration. My hand is poised right above the page, ready to write anything that comes to mind, but the words cease to flow.
Very, very odd.
What happened? When did the world stop? When did it go wrong? And, more importantly, what went wrong?
I just hate this feeling. I'm a storyteller with nothing to say, nothing to offer.
I'm sure that it's a phase. I'm sure I'm just missing something, some intrinsic, remarkable truth that would allow the words to flow again. A story isn't just about a plot or a character. To me, a story is only a story if it says something. It is only a story if the reader, or writer, learns something from it. I've read so many books - while some of them are stories, the others are merely words on paper.
Now, at this point, I wonder if my life is a story, or if it's only words on paper.
I feel hollow. Odd.
This post is hollow. What the heck am I trying to say?
Get on with the story, already!
Friday, October 14, 2005
Paint that smile on, no sad faces
Fallen - Sarah Mclachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Fools Rush in Where Angels Fear to Tread
Lately, most of the conversations in my English Lit class have been about the value of doing what is right, or what is good for you... regardless of how it affects others.
Well, they do agree that we should do what's right, not what's safe or good for themselves. It was agreed that regardless of how tough a fight is, as long as it is for the sake of what's 'right', true courage and determination should drive us to persevere. True courage, in 'To Kill a Mockingbird', is 'when you know you're licked before you begin, but you do it anyway,' meaning that you do your best although, even before you begin, you know that it is futile. Some call it courage. Others, foolishness.
What do I call it? Both. Courage and foolishness are, in fact, very similar things. It's just a matter of who you ask. Try asking a Muslim terrorist this: is self-sacrifice for the purpose of jihad a measure of courage, or foolishness? You would of course be told that it is courage. Now, ask that to a more liberal Muslim, one who knows the value of diplomacy and moderation, and you will be told that it is Islam taken out of context; that it is foolish.
Now, how do we decide on what to fight for? Do we even know the issues we feel most strongly about, and can any of us truly say that we recognize which side we're on? Much like grass, our beliefs waver. Well, some people have firmer beliefs, but I do think that people still waver in many different issues. Therefore, it would be impossible for them to display true courage(or foolishness). They would lack the conviction needed to drive them.
Again, it comes back to doing what's right. We do have a duty to do what is right, even if it could affect us in various adverse ways. Waver as we may, there comes a point where we should stop swaying and choose; REALLY choose. In this matter, I'd like to believe that I would always do what's right. I wouldn't fight for something that would greatly benefit me if it would be greatly detrimental to others. I would want to live with a good conscience, one that doesn't weigh me down but instead helps in making my steps lighter.
Really, I'd like to believe so. I'd like to think that I would always have a good conscience, because I would always do what's right and fair and just. But I know that it's a lie. In this world, it is impossible to go around with a perfect conscience. It is impossible. The more privileged you are, the more impossible it gets.
We grow up surrounded by love and care and hope and comfort, and then as you come into the realization of who or what you really are, you are told that what you'd been doing all this time has been wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Because you're not supposed get settled in with your privilege and comfort. You're supposed to be out there, spending your time, money, and effort to help the poor, needy, and disadvantaged. You are wrong to be content with your life, to feel safe and happy, while there are many, many people out there who are sick and poor and starving.
Ah, so here comes to tough part. Do you come out of your shell, giving all that you can to help these other people, or do you continue as you always have: not ignorant of the plights of others, but indifferent enough to believe that there will always be the poor and downtrodden, and it would be futile to try to change it? Are you one of those people with their sleeves rolled up, rough hands, covered in sweat and dirt and soot, working to help those whom you believe need it: or do you just sit in an air-conditioned room, soft skin, sweat unfamiliar to you, and your conscience is eased by simply dropping a coin or two into a donation box every now and then?
I am, sadly enough, one of the latter. But I am not completely indifferent, and I am not too jaded that I don't know how it's like to be idealistic. I realize that something has to be done, but what others don't realize is that I choose to fight in a different way. I may not be out there to herald the great cause of freedom and equality, but I am here, and here is where I need to be. I do not live in grandiose ideas and visions. I live here, and I do what I can. I allow my conscience to guide me not by coming up with grand plans on the eradication of poverty, but by the small, so-called unimportant things.
What are these small things? Well, I leave that to you to figure out. I guess it differs from person to person.
In other words, I choose to fight battles, not wars. And, over time, wars are won through battles. Though I may not have a grand campaign, I have other ways of winning.
I'm tired of having people telling me that I should do something more. I'm tired of people saying that we're wrong to be so complacent. I'm tired of people telling me that I do not realize the extent of evil and injustice in this world.
I am already here, in this world, where I need to be. I see what you see. I know what you know.
So shut up already.
Just because I choose to deal with it differently, it doesn't give you the right to tell me to show 'true courage' - it doesn't give you the right to tell me that I am not doing enough.
Leave me to do it my way.
As for whether it's either foolishness, or courage.... who cares?
I would have done something I believe is right, and I would have done it my way.
My conscience can live with that.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
New Money, New Can of Worms
Okay, so it's easy for us mere mortals to say stuff like 'If I became rich, I wouldn't let money get to my head', etc. It's easy for people from the lower and middle classes to look at the rich and say things like 'if I had that much money, I wouldn't waste it like they do'.
What they don't realize is that we're humans - not prophets. We can't predict what will change us, and what won't. We can't simply believe that our morals and principles will remain ever so noble no matter how much luck we have in life.
Look at me - I used to believe that yes, I would remain humble and down to earth no matter what happens.
But now I'm not so sure. I find that now I've become quite the spoiled brat. Yes, I still know my limits. Yes, I don't act like an arrogant prick. But my personal standards have made a huge leap in the last year or two.
I find that now I sometimes look at the brand more than the clothes - of course, I still make sure that the clothes are sensible and comfortable. I no longer shop at places I deem unworthy of my attention. Well, more accurately, I don't buy stuff from these shops as often as I used to.
A few years ago, I would've been happy to get clothes no matter where I bought them, or what brands the clothes were, as long as they were comfortable and of reasonably good quality.
Now... well, I look at the brands too. This is a very recent thing, of course - only recently have I started spending much more on clothes. I don't have a closet full of designer stuff - just a few items.
But heh, the problem is that once you reach a certain level, you don't wanna go and lower. And it sucks, because now I have to fork out more money for whatever I want to get.
And it doesn't only apply to clothes, as I also tend to spend more on food now. It's not exactly eating more, but eating the same amount but spending more. Pfft. I'm forking out so much money for a lifestyle that I know I shouldn't try to perpetuate.
I do realize that one day, I won't be getting money from my parents anymore, and I'd have to pay for myself. And I also know that at the rate I'm going, my future pay won't be enough to sustain my lifestyle. Somehow, I have to learn how to limit my spending. I have to learn how to pace the rate at which I fork out cash. If I don't, I won't have much savings in the future. *sigh*
I'm not under any fancy delusion that I'm rich, though. Not at all. The term I use for it is 'new moneyed', as in... I can afford certain luxuries every now and then, but I can't splash huge amounts of money all the time.
Ugh. I'm becoming such a spoiled brat. And I hate it.
The only saving grace of my increasingly reckless behavior is that I don't try to act like I'm more than what I really am. I don't go around saying that I'm rich, because I know that I'm not. I don't patronize anyone. I don't believe that I'm superior while others are inferior. I know what it means to be average. On the other hand, I won't lie by being overly humble, e.g. 'oh no, don't call me rich, you're richer than me', 'ah.. no.. I'm poor, I'm not rich', and so on. I think that those would be outright lies.
I just.. um.. don't pretend to be better or worse than who I really am.
I know my limits. *sigh* The problem, though, is that they keep going up.
So.. heh. No idea what to do, or how to solve the problem.
That is all.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
This is your life, are you who you want to be...
I know, I know, I haven't written much lately. Not that... I don't want to write anything, but so far.. I haven't really had anything that I want to write about. Heh.
This is your life, are you who you want to be
Switchfoot sang that. And, to me, it is a question very much worth asking. Am I who I want to be, today, right now, at this very moment?
Well...no. Not really.
I think there's something very wrong with me because I can't appreciate what I have. I have enough money. I'm doing great academically. Things are.. fine. Yet there's always that little something that you can't seem to grasp, and you don't even know what it is.
But I do know what my problem is. It's that I've never in my entire life been completely acknowledged.
I would acknowledge my best friends.. as my best friends, but some of them would not do the same for me. I have done everything.. everything... that a friend is supposed to do, but I have not entirely received the same in return.
My parents never acknowledge me for who I really am, or for whatever I've done, and they certainly haven't acknowledged me as the person I've become. I will, at least to them, always be the youngest son, the one who throws tantrums when I don't get my way, as opposed to being justifiably angry life 'adults'.
I can't be who I want to be until I'm acknowledged for it. For aren't we only as great as how much the world would acknowledge our greatness?
We do not do things only for ourselves. People do seek approval from the people around them. At least I do.
But I would never come right out and ask them, say, 'do you think that I'm your best friend?' because I'd rather have them tell me sincerely and honestly, as if it were a great treasure that they wish to share with me - as opposed to telling me what I want to hear simply because I asked.
Am I doing something wrong? I wish someone would tell me. I don't know what else I need to do to be acknowledged. I don't know. I just don't know.
I don't want to keep doing the same old mistakes, simply because I don't know what mistakes I've been making.
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
No. Not at all.
Because today I dream more than I ever did when I was young.
And it isn't everything that I dreamed it would be.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Bored and all
Say hello to this delayed entry :P I haven't updated my blog for awhile... so.. yeah. Here's the latest stuff. First, silly stuff your friends ask you to answer in their blog:
Total volume of music files on my computer:
Less than 500MB. I don't have any P2P programs installed, and.. yeah :P
The last CD I bought:
Michael Buble - It's Time. And it wasn't even for me :p
Songs playing right now:
Everything Burns - Ben Moody and Anastacia
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
1. Dare You To Move - Switchfoot (It's great, and extremely uplifting)
2. Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle (Unashamedly sentimental. Touching)
3. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield (Another uplifting song :)
4. My Immortal - Evanescence (Simply beautiful)
5. Solitaire - Clay Aiken (Another beautiful song. His voice just blows me away. I just wish I had his voice :P)
Anyway, yeah. I'm not passing this baton to anyone, but that's only because no one actually reads my blog :p Heh. But I do love the privacy of it... I get to say things that I wouldn't be able to say if more of my friends were to read this. So.. yeah.
-------
So, on to non-baton passing stuff. Hm. My finals are on. I'm so glad that this semester is almost over. It was fun, definitely, but I just want a break. It seems that I've been going out so much.. and.. yeah. I want a break. I always want a break, but this time I deserve it :P
I hate the Malaysian mega sale, but only because it makes me poor. I NEED TO SHOP (AGAIN). Haha. My allowance is a casualty in this war. :P Heheh. Anyway.. yeah.
I don't have anything that I need to say at the moment.. so.. will stop for now. I'll have a longer post soon, but no guarantees.
Ciao :)
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Thank you...
I guess it's time for another update.
So, what's new?
Life's okay. I have two tests and two presentations next week, but for some odd reason I'm not too worried. So far, our progress has been okay, so I hope that things will go fine. I'm sure that things will NOT go fine, but oh well. Who cares.
Still no girlfriend, or even a potential one. *sigh*
Friendship is great, though. Now I feel bad for doubting my friends. The other day, I stopped by a friend's house to get something. He was bored. Instead of just taking the stuff and going, I ended up hanging around at his house... for another one hour and thirty minutes. What did we do? Talk. Just.. talk. And it was great.
This is the kind of thing where... maybe 10 years from now, even if we aren't friends anymore by then, I'd still remember that time when he was bored and we ended up talking for so long about nothing and everything. It's just.. heh. Well, he did have his own reasons for wanting to talk - girl-related issues - but hey, at least we talked. Is it weird for two guy friends to just sit down and talk?
Probably.
But it was great. Not in an exhilarating way, though.. it was just.. calm. Hard to explain. Maybe I can say that it's like.. at the end of the day, you just go out and sit on your balcony, sipping on a cup of tea while you enjoy a stunning view. It just feels right. And you feel calm from it. It feels as if things are simply sliding into place.
I also have another friend... this one's a girl, and she's been there for me all this time. It's great that she doesn't judge me. And it's great that she knows everything about me, and we can just talk about anything and it'd be fine. Yea. That's a friend. Someone who knows everything about you - both good and bad - and.. yea.
Another example was a few days before that. I and two friends went out for dinner. We talked. We laughed. They laughed more than I did, as I tried to pretend like I didn't know those two crazy idiots :P Man, were these two guys silly. But heh, God knows that I certainly enjoyed it. Although I was lamenting their craziness, I knew that these were the kinds of friends that we work so hard to find in life.
In an earlier post, I mentioned that I didn't really have friends. I take back what I said. I do have friends. The problem was that before this, I never really recognized them for who they were. Who they are. I was looking at them, but I didn't see them. I was, in a way, being selfish, expecting too much from them. What kind of person expects certain things from their friends? Friends give, whether you want them to or not.
I guess that this is my way of saying thank you. Maybe one day I'll thank you in person, but for now.. this is my thank you. But a few of my friends do not read my blog, and maybe that's why I'm actually confident enough of saying thank you - they won't actually read it. But at least I said it. :P Yea, I'm a coward.
Yea, you've been a good friend.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Girl
So. Today I'm gonna write about what kind of girl I think would be absolutely perfect for me. Yay.
Hm. Let's see. Where do I start?
Independence is something that I respect. In fact, independence is quite an attractive quality. I guess I wouldn't want a girl who wanted to be with me 24/7, or needed me to look after and protect her all the time. We could both go and do our own things during the day, but at the end of each day we'd both come back together fully aware that we belong exclusively to each other. Of course, this would require a high level of trust between the both of us.
I mean, come on - if you were dating someone, and you gave the person a great amount of freedom, would you be 100% sure that he or she wasn't cheating on you, or wasn't interested in other people? In any case, I'd probably offer the girl a great amount of freedom and independence. If I somehow date some girl who hates being apart from me, or whatever, she'd probably be insulted that I don't want to hang around with her all the time. She'd probably think that I'm saying 'I don't want to be with you and I'm interested in someone else' if I tell her tht she can do whatever she wants and go out with her friends instead of me wanting her to be with me all the time.
On the other hand, it's not like I would INSIST that we stay apart all the time. No way. I'm just saying that we don't HAVE to be together all the time. We can be with each other sometimes, and have our own lives at other times. I guess that my idea of a relationship includes time exclusively for yourself - you shouldn't have to give up all your time for the person you love. If I love someone, and I think she also loves me, I'd trust her to live her own life, and I'd be happy if she shared even a part of it with me. This also means that I might get used, but depending on the person, I'd risk it. I guess it stems from the fact that all my life, I've expected so much from people, that now I don't want to expect anything. I'll accept what's given, as long as it's emotionally satisfying to me.
What else? I want a girl who's intelligent, wise, and mature. Intelligence, wisdom, and maturity are 3 different things, I believe. One can be intelligent but immature. One can be wise, but unintelligent. And so on. I'd want a girl who is at least as intelligent, wise, and mature as me, if not even more so. Some men are intimidated by girls who are considered more cognitively competent than they are, but... I'm not one of them. I don't know. I just want to have real conversations about anything, anytime. I want someone who can match me tit for tat. Someone witty and immensely knowledgable. Someone like me? Nah, I'm not that smart :p
Having said that, I don't want to be able to read her like an open book - in the early part of the relationship, at least. I want to figure her out. I want to look past her public mask and see the person behind it. Lots of people act in certain ways to cover who they really are - no matter how small their deception. Yeah. I'd be happy and honored if I was one of the few people who really knew her, who sees past the things she does or says just to hide what she truly feels. Some people are afraid of showing the truth behind the facade, as they're probably terrified that people would think badly of the person behind the illusion. I guess I'd want to see who she really is, and then let her know that I love her for who she really is. Not who she is in public, or who she is when she says silly things, or who she is when she does certain things to distract everyone from noticing the real her.
What else? She would be a strong person. Not just a 'she's my rock' kind of strong, but a 'she can withstand a storm, a tsunami, a tornado, and then some' kind of emotional strength. Yea, she'd be as grounded and firmly rooted as grass. Yeah. But she wouldn't just be too grounded - she'd be really passionate as well. Not passionate to the point of completely losing herself in the process, but just.. very passionate, but still firmly grounded. A balance of reality and fantasy.
The strange thing is that what I've written about her so far certainly classifies her as next-to-perfect, but in a way I wouldn't want her to be perfect. To me, there's a certain charm in imperfection. A painting is perfect. Reality isn't. I guess that if she were to be perfect, I wouldn't see her as a real human being. She wouldn't be real, to me. On the other hand, if she were to be imperfect, it would remind me that she's just as human as I am, that she can feel and think and do and say and believe anything and everything much like any other person can. That she is vulnerable and emotional, passionate and strong. Everything. She would have problems and worries - as any person, no matter how strong they are, does - dreams and ideals and everything else. She'd be blemished. Human. Imperfect.
Heh. Again, I wouldn't expect her to be all of these. I mean, I'd like it if she were to have all these qualities, but... I have no doubt that the person I'd end up with in the future isn't nearly as good as how I describe my perfect person. Who cares, though? I'd still love her. Imperfection, remember?
Yeah. That's all for now.
Heh.
Goodnight.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Not Me, Not I
My recent days have been... weird. Not bad, not good, but weird.
I haven't gone out with friends much, if at all. I guess everyone's busy with their own stuff, their own lives. I'm much too used to having everyone available all the time. It feels odd, this business of not going out much.
Things with me have somewhat settled. I don't feel like exploding anymore. Not that it's improved completely, but I suppose that I've learned to handle it better. It feels good, not thinking about something all the time. Yes, I do think about the problems I have, but not as much as I used to.
I feel.. exhausted. In more ways than one. I don't think it's natural for a 17 year old to feel drained all the time. Perhaps I just worry too much. Perhaps whatever problems I've faced so far have all been totally unexpected. Perhaps I'm just a weak person - and nowadays I'm more inclined to believe this. I know that I've mentioned my so-called exhaustion many times before, but... yes, I do feel it. And it's not just lack of sleep.
No matter how much we don't want something to happen, it'll probably still happen. As it happened to me. Murphy's Law needs to die. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Things went wrong. I'm just trying to fix them.
I'm content, though. Not overly happy, not a swirling pool of anger, sadness, and angst, but... just content.
As much as I'd like to appreciate the person I am today - and I do appreciate myself - there are times, like now, that I do wish that I'd been different. Maybe... I'd be in a different place, or time, or something. I just feel that I don't belong here, and now. I, for once, don't want to be myself at this very moment.
But I'm still content.
Ergh. Attachment sucks. Someone needs to see the truth. I need answers.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
The Mask Shatters
I can't live like this. Not now, not ever.
All I feel, day in, day out, is that the world is closing in on me, that my time is almost over. I'm not talking about death, because death would be too easy - I do not want to die, in any case. I just feel that soon enough, either I or the world around me will blow up. Something tells me that I'll be the first one to lose it. But I'm not going down without a fight.
I have no idea why, of all people, it had to happen to me. Perhaps it's justice, for I have always had something against God. I don't think that we're on speaking terms anymore. God probably ignores me now because all I ever do is bitch, bitch, and bitch even more. Add that to the fact that I never pray, nor do I always have God in mind whenever I do or say anything - and you have a pissed God.
Now, more than ever, all I want to do is come clean. I don't want to go on trying to convince myself of how good or mature or perfect I am. I don't want people to go on believing that I'm in control, that I have everything going for me; intelligence, wisdom(or not, since I feel like I'm at a dead-end), money to a certain extent, etc... because it isn't true.
I've always prided myself on having clarity of thoughts, of knowing what to do in any given situation. Right now, though, I have no idea what to do. I can feel the thoughts in my head, the confused jumble of conflicting desires, needs, beliefs, ideas, and so on. It feels almost as if I can't think of anything else. I'm just stuck with the same thoughts every single moment of every single day, no matter where I go.
I can't go on living like this. I can't. Living an idyllic lie, no matter how much it deviates from the truth, is so much harder than coming clean. I have to come clean. Only then will I be able to flush the thoughts in my brain, the feelings that I've had to deal with.
I know that... in doing so, I might lose some friends. I know it'll happen, as I believe that not everyone can handle the truth. But I can't live with myself anymore. It's better if I learn how to live with myself, than to live like this with others. It'll hurt, losing friends.
But I'll survive - on my own, if I have to.
Here's part of a song by Keith Urban... I believe that in a way, it sums up my relationship with life:
I went out driving, trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Incomplete
I guess it's just about time for me to make a new post. And make a new post, I shall.
Hm.
You know how sometimes, in life, you feel as if nothing you do will ever make a difference? It's as if every single action you have done is irrelevant, that it is worth nothing more than how much you value it. And sometimes, you value it above your own life and your own well-being.
The world, on the other hand, does not see its value. It does not validate the reason or purpose behind your actions. It just absorbs what you do, and whether you get something in return - maybe, maybe not. Most probably not.
Life, as seen through this lens, is just a big waste.
Do you ever get that feeling? Have you ever felt that everything you've done in life has been in vain, that you've lost the war even before it had begun? Have you?
I don't know about you, but I certainly have. I feel it now.
It pains me to admit that I think my life so far has been quite a waste. I've never really done what's best for me or the rest of the world. I just do things, and whether they've been beneficial for anyone or anything is still up in the air.
Yea, I mean, there are the little things such as studying hard, getting good grades, helping a certain random person or two, etc etc, but once you think about it, those are rather insignificant things. Things that look good on paper, but don't really have an effect on anything else.
One example is that I don't have anything that I'm particularly proud of at the moment. Nothing. There are certain things that I've certainly been happy about after their completion, but nothing that just made me burst with pride.
Another example is of course in one of my previous posts, with me feeling that I haven't received what I deserve from my friends. I've given a lot, and I do not expect the world in return; but I do desire something. Given the choice of having either the world or what I want or desire from friendship, I would gladly choose my wants and desires over the world.
I don't need the whole world to be happy; I just need real relationships, both romantic and platonic. I want not only to give or receive; I want to give AND receive.
Thinking back, I feel as if my life's been a waste so far, as I do not have any relationship that really satisfies me. I... - I don't believe that I really have friends, and I don't always believe that I have a family.
Yes, I talk to certain people regularly, I go out with certain people regularly, I have fun with certain people regularly. And it wasn't always like this; it was worse, before. At times, I've believed that I'd found my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But all that is gold does not glitter.
Yeah.. I don't really have any friends.
I read somewhere that friends are the family you can choose, the family you make for yourself. That's why I sometimes think, 'I have no family', for I do not really have friends.
I've given too much of myself to others, lived a life that I now realize has only been a projection of the people around me. It isn't me, and it has never been me.
I need to learn how to be me, how to let go, how to give up what I've always desired although I never wanted to desire it, how to just.. yea. Let go.
When a person tells you, 'just be yourself,' they don't realize that what they're asking you to do is more than what you can ever do.
And here I am, with this big pile of waste I call my life.
Incomplete, in all my glory.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Ups and Downs
Okay, do I have anything to say? Not really. I'm just bored, it's 7.15 a.m. and I have nothing to do. *sigh*
Life's normal. Bursts of happiness. Semi-lots of fun. Several 'are my friends gonna leave me?' moments. Ups and downs.
I guess it's easier to think of life as 'normal' when you've accepted both its ups and downs, instead of looking only at the positive. Once in a while, I reveal the 'negative' side of me among my friends, because then I have less to hide. I am, after all, imperfect, and I don't want any people believing otherwise simply because I sometimes act like a stuck up arsehole.
Oh, and I did NOT practice DOTA before that first game we played, and I have not practiced it at any given time up to this point! Just to clear the air.
There's only one 'down' that I keep to myself though, and never reveal to anyone. I'd have to reveal it someday, that's for sure. In the meantime, I need to work up the nerve to do it :P It's funny how we sometimes have to work up the nerve to do something that only takes a few moments to accomplish.
Still on the perpetual quest of finding the 'right one' for me, which I believe is as easy as getting myself nominated for sainthood; next to impossible, that is. I did identify something in my life which sort of 'blocks' my ability to.. well, find the right person... but that's something I'd rather not divulge.
What else?
Hm.
When I fall for someone, I guess I'd fall hard. Just a hunch, not entirely based on supposition. Experience counts.
Yeah. Heh. :) This is me, and sometimes I don't like to say 'this is me' because sometimes 'this' is flawed, but.. heh. Ups and downs.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Sheepish look
Okay. So I felt like crap yesterday.
I take back some of the things I said... the negatives ones, I mean.
Yea, there is a small kernel of truth in what I said, but I shouldn't have made it sound as if my life has been such a waste, that it's such a horrible mess of unachieved expectations now.
Yeah. I feel bad for saying all that. I'm not saying that it was all wrong; I just regret the way I made it seem. I'm still unsatisfied with some things, but... I can cope.
So. Yea. Feeling better tonight. Things have not changed much, and I mean it in a good way. I feel rather glad and relieved that things are still normal. Feeling sorry towards the friends I doubted, although they don't really know about it. Heh.
Yeah. Life as usual.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
In The Rule of Four
There is a book called The Rule of Four. I only finished reading it last night, but I believe that it ranks among the top 3 books that I've ever read - not that I've read that many books, anyway.
And, in it, I probably read something that I really needed to read;
It's better to love something that can love you back.
One of the character says that. It struck me how much it applies in my life, in my fruitless pursuits, false hopes, and foolish desires. These things that I want, these things I have devoted my life to; are they really worth it? Am I searching for the wrong things? Do I love something that would never love me in return?
Maybe that's why, despite all my efforts, I do not really get much satisfaction out of life. Sometimes, when I have given the best of myself - and expect the best in return - I get nothing instead. For every step forward, it seems that I take several steps back. Perhaps it's not because life itself is complicated. Perhaps it's not because of fate or destiny or any of that crap. The locus of control, it seems, is not in nature or even God's mysterious ways; the locus of control is in me.
In a way, it is almost totally my fault. One may seek to take many steps forward in life, but it is impossible to walk up a cliff. Perhaps all that I've been doing wrong is going for the wrong things, wanting what could not be gained, yearning for something entirely out of my reach.
It is funny how in my burning desire to walk up cliffs, I have not noticed that there are other paths, other destinations, other things to desire - things that may be well within my reach. One may be disappointed when searching for heaven, but that may only be because one seeks for the heavens above, and have forgotten the heavens here on earth.
Now, I know that I usually just use vague explanations, and never really explain the problem(s) in detail, but perhaps this time I'll give a long explanation.
Friendship is something that I willingly offer - maybe even too willingly. In a previous post, I mentioned that the greatest fear in life that I have is being lonely. This of course has driven me to offer friendship too eagerly, giving too much of myself. Among the Bene Gesserit in the story of Dune, it is said that 'fear is the mind-killer.' And I believe it. Although it has not killed my mind, it has succeeded in interfering with my thoughts.
So, I offer too much of myself - and herein lies the problem. I went a step further - expecting much of my friends in return for whatever I've done. Expectation, I created it. In this I confess that perhaps I have not been the best of friends, for the best of friends offer much of themselves without expecting anything in return.
Yes, I realize that it seems rather foolish.
But to this I say; love may conquer all, but friendship would sure as hell put up a great fight.
For centuries love has been cited as a great force, a hidden force that can move mountains and inspire legends. What they have forgotton, though, that friendship comes pretty close.
So, expectations, friendship, bla bla bla.. what does this have to do with anything? Well, everything. Why? Because my expectations were never really fulfilled. I gave much, but perhaps have received next to nothing in return. Well, not really next to nothing - some friends have made the effort, and for that they have my sincere gratitude. But others haven't really met my expectations.
Again, it is only because I wanted something that I could not get, loved something that would not love me in return.
You might now think; so what? Screw those friends. Leave them.
I wish I could, but the problem is that the one friend to whom I gave the most of myself... well, suffice to say, I don't think that I've really received what I've given. I believe that the more a person gives, the more a person receives. When one gives their time and energy to cultivate a plant, does the plant not grow? It'll grow.
But in this case.. I don't know. I just feel that I have not received my due. And now, after reading The Rule of Four, I realize that it may be entirely my fault. I expected something that I could never get. I desired satisfaction from a friendship that I now belatedly realize might never satisfy me. Although some of the plants that I've cultivated around me have grown, the one plant that I really want to grow is stunted and slow. This time, though, it affects me in such a way that I have problems cultivating the other plants.
Perhaps I'm just worrying too much, reading from a blank page, prophesying a future that does not exist.
On the other hand, if this is really what is happening, maybe I should just prepare for the inevitable. Sometimes, in life, we must remove an element which we never ever want gone, but yet we remove it because it is affecting everything else in life.
I feel guilty for doubting my friend, though. From this friendship I've gained many things as well, many moments that I'd never relinquish. Thinking about it now, focusing on the positive, I realize that what I've written above seems rather harsh and self-centered. I did learn many things from this friendship, gaining things like companionship, trust, and so on. Maybe it's just my mood that drives this, not really knowledge and wisdom. There is a small voice inside me screaming how horrible I am to have written this, how ungrateful a person I am, that I am a manipulative, self-centered bastard bent on nothing but my own personal fulfillment. I believe this voice is my conscience. And... I do believe in what that small voice is saying. It kills me even more than fear does. But, all things considered, there remains the fact that I may have loved something that would never love me in return.
If this friend ever reads this... our friendship will probably forever be screwed, never to recover. I feel sorry that I've written this, even; it's probably the most personal issue that I've ever revealed, bordering on the edge of all that I would never reveal. It borders on wrongness, betrayal, misguidance, idiocy, and fallacy.
I loved something that would never love me in return. I believed in a cause that would never have any effect.
Fuck this.
I regret ever writing this.
If another friend reads this and understands what was said... please don't tell it to that friend I'm referring to. That friend never needs to know what I've written here, because he would find it even worse than I found it, despite the fact that I wrote it.
I still regret ever writing this.
But then I won't look back. It's what I needed to say, what I needed to read for myself. It's what I needed.
This is fucking wrong.
Too fucking wrong.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Fear
I might as well write this down.
My greatest fear in life is being lonely. I fear losing my friends, losing my family members, and basically.. just losing the people around me.
Yeah. I always get this feeling that someday my best friends are gonna stop being my friends.
That's me.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Smile and act normal...
So. Just came back from a vacation. It was good.
Things are normal. Got a GPA of 3.75 for my first semester in college. Not bad, I suppose. Could've been better, though.
I still have that feeling that I've been talking about. I think I know the source of it now, but... it's not something that I would even write here. It's not something that I can reveal for the world to see. It's too personal. At least now I know the reason for that feeling.
And.. yea. But, despite that odd feeling, I do feel somewhat good. Just an overall feeling of positivity, for no reason other than the fact that I've learned how to appreciate what I do have. I've learned how to let go, I suppose. After all, one can observe something they desire from afar, and yet they would not need to go any nearer. We're just content observing and wishing.
But what I desire is something that I will never get, and I guess that I have to learn to live with it. Just smile and act normal, I suppose.
And, to that anonymous person who commented, thanks. At first I read it and then thought, 'huh?', but right after that I understood what you said. It reminded me of what I should already know.. what I seem to have forgotten. So, thanks.
So, yea. Life is as life always is - complicated, but worth all the damn trouble.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Breathe No More
I.. I have this odd feeling that I'm losing it. No, not going crazy. No. Not that. It's just.. losing hold of this slippery thing called life. Losing it. Letting it slip through my fingers.
It's weird, this business of life. Some people hold it in their hands and shield it as if it were worth more than all the skies and oceans. As if... as if they are holding everything they every wanted or needed.
But, life hurts. It isn't all happy and wonderful. It isn't even partly happy or wonderful.
I allowed myself to become vulnerable. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I have torn down the walls around me, allowed myself to believe.
And.. this entire thing is stupid, calling things stupid.. it's stupid.
There's this underlying sense of pain in me, and it never goes away. Aching. Forever and always.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, it haunts me. A perpetual burden on my shoulders, sinking me, drawing me into its insatiable depths. And I hate it. I hate it more than I can ever hate anything, because it is the one burden that I can never reveal. The one burden that I would never share with others... not because I don't want to, but because I can't.
Screw knowledge. Screw experience. Screw them. Having either or both doesn't shield you from certain things. They don't shield you from anything. You can act as if it doesn't affect you, thanks to knowledge and experience, but it does nothing in dulling the pain.
I just need to be me, and that's the one thing in the world that I can't be.
I don't know why recently I've been acting like this. I don't know why I'm losing it. I don't. It just aches. Non-stop. I wake up in the middle of the night, and all I can feel is anger and pain.
I was foolish to pretend that I know everything. I was foolish to pretend that I am supremely comfortable being who I am. I was foolish to act like I had accepted the world and it had accepted me in return.
And, most of all, I'm tired.
Tired of it all.
But I still go on. Why? Because I allowed myself to get vulnerable. Because I care. Because I opened my eyes and never want to close them again. This, I believe, is only a blink. It'll open again.
I will go on with the burden on my shoulders.
I'll go on being foolish, and I'll live because of it.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Yay
Okay.. I feel so much better now.
I've been a good friend, yay yay ^-^ My efforts have not been in vain!
*does a little jig* :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I Surrender...
I just feel.. totally.. out of it today. I don't know.
Apparently, exercise releases endorphins(the body's 'feel good' hormones). And I just finished exercising. But, it's really odd. Instead of feeling good, I suddenly felt like crying. Is that natural? Probably not.
Why do I feel bad? I guess it all points to the cycle that I've sometimes mentioned in my blog(not in any recent posts, though). Once in a while, for no apparent reason, my mood turns sour, and I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there. Thankfully enough, I can label it as a cycle, because soon it'll go away again.
I've probably mentioned it before.. but I might as well write down my theory for why it happens.
I'm supposedly a 'strong' person. Note the word supposedly. I am in a way used to being lonely, used to have my family not really being around all that often. I'm used to not having a special someone to spend my life with. I'm - to a certain extent - used to the responsibilites that come with being somewhat independent. I'm used to not having that many friends, which is why I really look after the ones I do have.
I guess that after awhile, it just gets a bit too much for me. Maybe my body sort of 'accumulates' stress or worries, and at the end of the cycle they all manifest themselves in one go. During this time, my thoughts mostly become negative, wondering if my friends are gonna abandon me, wondering if my family doesn't care about me - which is stupid, because they do care - and wondering if life is really worth it.
Farid, if you're reading this, this answers why I was annoyed at that friend of ours about a relatively small thing. I wasn't exactly in the best of moods... I wasn't angry, but I wasn't exactly totally happy.
Yes yes, Hisham the 'don't waste your life' expert also has his moments. :P
Yeah. It's odd, and exhausting, even if it's only me sitting at home watching TV. I guess that at this time I'm extremely vulnerable, but being alone most of the time does have its perks. No one nosing about your business, no one to interrupt you when you just feel like sleeping. Yes, it does have its better points.
So, that's how it is.
Hm.
Back to life, then.
.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Acting like a man
You know, sometimes I wonder about myself. I can't help but feel different sometimes, as if there's something not quite right with me.
As some of my friends know, I'm not your average guy. Sports and cars and those things don't really appeal to me. Sure, I don't mind watching sports, but I'd rather watch other things. Cars? Cars are nice to look at, but you won't hear me talking 'bout horsepower and torque and rpm and all that.
I would rather read a book, or write a story, or talk about the various things in life with my friends. There are many things I wish I could talk about, most of which are rather abstract and not quite suitable for 'guy-talk'. I have a soft spot for romantic movies. I don't mind watching or reading things related to human emotions, and basically humanity. Oprah is fun to watch, by the way.
Although, I do have my limits, and I don't often watch those kinds of movies. I can appreciate many other things - comedies, action flicks, horror movies... well, basically anything. It's just that unlike some other guys(or, if the media is to be believed, most other guys), I have no qualms about watching movies featuring romance without the comedy.
If someone were to tell me to 'be a man', I'd just tell them that I was born a man. See that extra organ I have between my legs? Yea, that's what makes me a man. There's no such thing as 'acting like a man', because really... those are just the norms of society. I don't have to act a certain way to 'be a man'. I don't have to do certain things to 'be a man'.
And yes, I do like being different.
That's not to say that I purposely try to be different; it's all a matter of staying true to myself. If what I do is supposedly different, then yes, I'm different. If what I do is normal, then yes, I'm normal. It's just me. I don't try to act differently, I don't try to act normally, I just try to act like me.
Also, I'm not insulting my fellow men. I am in no way demeaning whatever they do or say. I'm just saying that if a guy tends to act unusual, it doesn't make him a lesser man. It just makes him... him.
How about gays? Well, at the moment I'd rather not touch that topic. All I'll say about them is that it's their choice. It doesn't really have anything to do with me, does it?
So, guys, talk about your sports and cars and hot women all you want, but don't expect people like me to talk about them. They simply aren't the topics I'd want to talk about. But then, I do abstain from being different sometimes. I do talk about those things - sometimes.
Well... I'd still rather read a book, though. Books are fun. It's my way of dealing with reality.
Yea. So. That's how it is. It's just me.
.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Do Not Read.
Okay, so it feels good to be trusted by friends. It feels good whenever any friend of mine comes to me with their problems. It feels good knowing that they think I'm wise/helpful/useful enough to help them.
But then again, sometimes I just feel like screaming.
I mean, come on. There is value in life. It just.. irks me to no end if people say stuff like 'I wanna cut myself' or 'I wanna commit suicide' or something to that extent. Seriously. On one hand, I feel inclined to say good things, and generally try to ensure that they do not act upon what they've said. I take these things seriously. On the other hand, I feel like killing them myself because of how irresponsible these things are, even if you only say them.
Life is life. Problems happen. Shit happens, all the time. Like I was reminded today... Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And probably the operating system for life is Murphy's Law 1.0, because that is always how it will be. There's no excuse for disregarding the value of your own life. People can sympathize and empathize with people who hurt themselves or commit suicides all they want - often blaming external factors - but sometimes I just want to tell them that in the end, these people make the decisions themselves.
So, people can argue that these people were not given good, viable options. They can argue that these people were not given a chance to realize the value of life. "These people are not to be blamed... it is their life which has led to this." Seriously. Yes, you can blame life and all its problems and all the shit that happens, but at the end of the day, when it's just you and your life and God as you sit on your chair or bed or whatever, it is you who will make the decision whether to end your life or not. The choice is yours.
"I'll cut myself if you do that." Cut yourself all you want, because cutting yourself will NOT help the situation. Call me evil if you so desire - since you must be itching to define the world in black and white, wrong or right - but I believe that these people need to grow up. Look at the tsunami victims. Their houses were destroyed. Their loved ones perished. Did they give up? No. They went on with their lives.
The world doesn't revolve around you. It doesn't. The world will not stop and right itself just for you. So what if people don't always appreciate you. So what if people don't understand you. So freakin what. There are still people who love you, who recognize you, who are always there for you. Always. I personally don't believe that God actually helps us much in life, but if you have to, believe that God is there for you.
At the end of it all, through the pain and insults and abuse or whatever - even if you have to live through them until you're 100 years old - realize that it is YOU who will be walking into heaven. Listen well - as you walk into it, turn around. Look at the people who treated you badly(if necessary, glance into the world of life). Look at them, stick your tongue out at them, wave your middle finger around, tell them 'IN YOUR FACE ASSWIPES', position your butt facing them, and spank it. End it with a dramatic stride into heaven. If God is all-encompassing, He'll surely have a sense of humour. Believe me, you won't lose your spot in heaven for that, because I believe that people who do get into heaven... include people who appreciate the value of life, both their own life and the lives of others.
I just.. argh. I might be harsh or insulting or whatever with my friends, but I just can't stand it when they display self-pity. I just.. argh. I'd jump in front of a bullet for them. I would. I care for each and every one of them, although I don't show it.
Fucking appreciate the life you've been given, asswipes(read:my friends). Don't say things like 'I'll kill myself' or 'I'll avoid people' or 'No one understands me' or 'No one cares for me', because I freakin care. And I do understand. If you're depressed because someone treated you badly or doesn't understand you, don't freakin give a damn, because I'm always there.
Yea I'm freakin pissed.
Shit.
Stupid... argh. I probably didn't make any sense, but oh well..
Goodnight.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Another dash of the same thing...
Okay, here's another post on racism... it's a journal that I wrote for English 101. Yeah. It's somewhat similar to a previous post I made, so.. heh. Here goes:
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How often do we tell ourselves that racism, discrimination, and cultural intolerance are terrible things? Sometimes, often, or perhaps always? More importantly, do we truly believe in what we say? Are we as innocent of such things as we think? Even I wonder about it, although I have always believed that I am not a racist. This stems from the fact that I am of mixed ancestry РMalay and Chinese. A result of this is that cultural and racial sensitivity come naturally to me, as I myself have seen both sides of the coin. Although most of us are unaware of it, the multiracial culture we live in casts its own shadow. Behind the fa̤ade of multiracial unity here in Malaysia, there are still examples of racism, discrimination, and cultural intolerance. We do not even have to look hard to find them, as they are always around us.
The first example of it does not exist in our environment: it exists within us. Our beliefs, thoughts, and memories have always been colored with a touch of discrimination, no matter how much we deny it. Whenever a Malay or Chinese person sees an Indian person in shabby clothes, they might think, ‘that person must be rude and problematic.’ There are certain unfair racial generalizations that we have always known or believed in, although they are usually left unsaid – unsaid to the other races, that is. For example, the Malays are lazy, while the Chinese are greedy and calculative. As unfair as they are, some people do believe in these generalizations. Why, you ask? It is because there is a kernel of truth in everything, myths and lies included. But then again, such racist statements should always be taken with a pinch of salt; if they were always true, it would imply that I am lazy, greedy, and calculative. Before we find fault in others, we must first search within ourselves to realize that the problem might not necessarily be them – it might actually be us.
Another way in which racism, discrimination, and cultural intolerance is displayed is in the way that we use the word ‘tolerance’ as if it is something to be proud of. We have always been too proud of the tolerance between the many races in Malaysia. That raises a question – since when was tolerance the benchmark of a successful multiracial culture? Does it not sound strange when we say that we tolerate each other? It sounds as if we can barely stand each other, but we are civil enough to be quiet about it. For example, when problems involving different races arise in our society, each race is quick to defend its own people. It does not occur only in our government, but perhaps even between neighbors. An old Chinese lady, a retired Malay man, and a middle-aged Indian woman – all neighbors – can go at it just as well as the different political parties in our government can. A definition of the word ‘tolerate’ in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is ‘to put up with’, and we usually put up with things we dislike. Another dictionary (dictionary.com) says that it also means 'to recognize and respect (the rights, beliefs, or practices of others)'. But then again, we can recognize and respect something we hate or dislike – it would take much more to accept and love other races and cultures. Idealistic as it may seem, it is time for us to move from tolerance to love and acceptance.
Another form of discrimination in Malaysia is intra-cultural discrimination. There are Malays who discriminate against other Malays, Chinese who discriminate against other Chinese, Indians who discriminate against other Indians, and so on. In some cases, a Chinese family is judged by the measure of their wealth. A rich family is considered to be a good family, although it is good that a poor family is not always considered to be a bad family. Although it is unfair to say that the Chinese are greedy and calculative, it would not be wholly untrue to say that they place wealth and prosperity quite high on their list of things to achieve in life. They are sometimes quite generous with their wealth, too. Another example is that fair-skinned Malays are considered to be better than dark-skinned Malays. Also, the upper class of Malays sometimes consider themselves to be better and more civilized than their rural counterparts. This also applies to Indians. A trait that all of the races share – at least among the more traditional families – is that the elders of each family will always try to ensure that the younger members of their family marry a person of the same race who is also from a good, solid background. Some families might still be thought of as ‘bad’ by these elders, although they are of the same race.
It is clear that the Malaysian attitude needs to be worked on, for it is in our nature to believe in certain racist sentiments, even if the voice of reason opposes them. As much as we might want to believe in our multiracial harmony and unity, there are still many problems that need to be addressed. I cannot offer solutions to solve these problems, because they deal with thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and other abstract things that we can hardly control. I do not believe that I have the intelligence or wisdom to do so. But I will say this - I do know that it will take perhaps one, or two, or even more generations to change the very way we think, feel, and believe. It is not as easy as cooking up a big, well-funded, and flashy campaign that will change our minds only for a day or two. No. It is a slow, passive, and silent change, but it will be the most monumental change of all. It is said that a constant flow of water can reshape even the hardest rocks. I believe that our minds are as formidable as the greatest of mountains. But then again, have we not conquered mountains before?
Thursday, March 31, 2005
American History X
I just watched American History X...
It's an amazing movie. Simply.. whoah. So what if they use crude language and lots of violence. It doesn't matter. What matters is what the movie says. What matters is what the movie shows. What matters is what it tells us. And it says, shows, and tells us things that we should already know.. but seem to have forgotten.
I don't know. It's.. just one of those movies. The ones that make you feel a whole range of emotions from the beginning until the ending. I felt disturbed, sad, happy, amused, disgusted, proud, and so on as I watched the movie. Now that's what a movie should do.
If you haven't watched it yet.. you should watch it. Really.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Conquering mountains.
For some unusual reason, I've heard the word 'racism' a lot lately. It's mostly in my English class, but then again, it happens elsewhere too. Of course, because of it, I have something to say.
How often do we tell ourselves 'I am not racist'? Never? Sometimes? Often? Always? I'm sure you've told that to yourself at least once in your life. I have always believed that I am not racist. This stems from the fact that I am of dual bloodlines - Chinese and Malay. A result of my mixed parentage is that I'm more aware of racial issues between different races. I'm certainly not omniscient in such matters, but at least there's a bit more sensitivity in me.
Seriously, though, I confess that no matter how many times I tell myself that I am not racist, or how fervently I believe it whenever I say so, there will always be that little, evil, and judgmental voice of racism - and sometimes, classism - in me.
Our instincts or unconscious thoughts operate faster than my conscious mind does. Whenever I see someone who wears shabby clothes, or something like that, my mind makes a judgement. 'Sheesh. Look at the way that person is dressed'. It happens in the blink of an eye, or sometimes, even faster.
Only then does my conscious mind kick in, berating the unconscious decision, beating it back into the depths of my mind, and locking it in there before throwing the key out a window. I'd then think 'No, I shouldn't judge a person like that. It's wrong and unfair'. The voice of reason, although reasonable, is never punctual.
I wonder, why are humans naturally racist, or classist, or whatever? Why is it so deeply ingrained in our minds that even educated people find it hard to completely stop judgmental behavior? Not that I'm 'educated', mind you, but at least I'm aware of this problem. Is it just like survival, where it is in our nature to survive? Is it in our nature to equate 'different' with 'bad'?
I don't know. I simply do not know at all.
In Malaysia, we celebrate racial diversity and tolerance. For all our proud and illustrious celebrations, we really don't have much to be proud of. I believe that the Government has tried its best to overcome racial problems, but there are always a few bad apples - with the best of intentions - who tend to contribute to these problems. It is not the Government's fault that these problems do exist. Again, it is very hard to change the nature of a person.
Our country is always promoted as a unified, multiracial country. We boast of the tolerance between races. That makes me wonder - when did 'tolerance' become the benchmark? Does it not sound strange, when we say 'we tolerate each other'. It sounds as if we can barely stand each other, but we're civil enough to be quiet about it. Although the dictionary(dictionary.com) does show that a meaning of 'tolerate' is 'to recognize and respect (the rights, beliefs, or practices of others)', it simply does not emphasize the unity between different races.
We can recognize something we hate. We can respect someone - or something - we hate. Does it not mean that we might actually dislike - or in some cases, hate - other races? Perhaps.
Again, I do not fault our government - or any other government in the world, for that matter. We, the people, only have ourselves to blame. Here, it is usual to hear something like 'the Malays are lazy, the Chinese are greedy and calculative, the Indians cause problems', and so on. I not believe in that, for I am not lazy, greedy, and calculative, despite me being both Malay and Chinese. Although some of us take such racist statements with a pinch of salt, others might be more inclined to... well, incline their heads in nods of agreement.
But, just to add a little bit of positivity in here, I'm confident that times are changing. Racism is still around, for sure, but it is(in my opinion) slowly fading away. Well, at least it's not as pronounced as it used to be. Perhaps it is partly due to the changing mindset of our newer generations. Perhaps the efforts being taken to overcome racism(or even classism) are actually starting to work. Again, I don't know. As for us Malaysians... well, overall, we're good. Sometimes we tend to overlook problems, but all in all, we're pretty good at this 'racial unity' thing. ;)
Maybe, over time, as we start to cherish and celebrate our differences, new ideas and beliefs are starting to take root deep in our minds. Perhaps these new roots are starting to choke the old roots of deeply ingrained racism and ethnocentrism. After all, we humans have always evolved. It is all we have ever done: to survive, to adapt, and to live on. And we simply cannot survive if all we do is fight each other.
I do not - or rather, cannot - offer any solutions to problems such as racism, ethnocentrism, and so on. I do not believe that I have the intelligence or wisdom to do so. But I will say this - I do know that it will take perhaps one, or two, or even more generations. It is not as easy as cooking up a big, well-funded, and flashy campaign that will change our minds only for a day or two. No. It is a slow, passive, and silent change, but it will the most monumental change of all. A constant flow of water can reshape even the most formidable of rocks.
I believe that our minds are even more formidable than the greatest of mountains.
But then again, have we not conquered mountains before?
Monday, March 21, 2005
Mwaha!
| English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 94% Expert! |
| You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
|
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid |
Whoohoo! Kinda. After checking the 'expert' section of the test, I discovered that... I should've scored 100% there :( One of the questions has 'irrelevant', 'impertinent', 'either a or b', and 'neither a or b' as a, b, c, and d... and I answered 'either a or b' because impertinent and irrelevant are synonyms. Apparently that isn't the case, as the answer provided is 'irrelevant'. Pun intended.
Anyway.. yea. It's a pretty good score :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Yup.
I have no idea why I'm writing this post when I don't really have anything to say.
Heh.
....yea.
Life is okay. Problems still linger, but that's a common feature in life. I'm tired, though, in more ways than one.
Here are few lines from a song to tide you over, since I don't have anything better to say:
What do you see when you look inside your heart
A little thought can walk a thousand miles
And change your life when dreams lead the way
The impossible is suddenly in sight
Every step you take just brings it all together
You’ve got to keep the faith when all seems lost forever
Thursday, March 10, 2005
What a Wonderful World
8 A's and 2 B's. Not bad, huh?
Honestly, I was slightly disappointed with my results. Although I hadn't really expected more, it still hurts when you're right. Sometimes we know what will happen, but the knowledge of it will never be able to dull the disappointment - or elation, depending on the situation - when our predictions come true. Mine came true. It didn't dull anything. Despite that, I still felt good. Why, you ask?
Well, a promise is a promise.
I got my results, and I smiled. I'm not talking about a physical smile. I didn't plaster a smile on my face; anyone can do that. Deep inside myself, I smiled. The way I see it, all a person really needs in life is to be happy with himself(not to mention good food, money, friends, and.. er.. I better stop here).
So what happens now? Life goes on. I'll move on. Everything's happening, here and there and everywhere, and I don't intend on being left behind. The world doesn't stop for anyone or anything, especially not me.
Oh, and although some of my friends didn't do that well, I still hold them in high regard. For those of you who did well, congratulations. For those of you who did not do so well... I still say congratulations, because you are no less special in my eyes. Even if it's 1 A, or 2 A's, or 3 or 4 or 5 A's, it doesn't change a thing. You are still special for who you are. Go out. Enjoy. Live life as if you had not stumbled. Have pride in yourself. Even if you are not happy with yourself, I have happiness enough for all of us. Congratulations to all of you.
You know what? I feel great. I have a quiz tomorrow, work to do, and so on, but I still feel great. It is definitely a good feeling. The world is a wonderful place today. I feel as if rabbits and flowers and sprinkles and stuff will suddenly appear in my room, because I just feel so darn good.
To sum it all up, here's 'What a Wonderful World'... a perfect song to explain how I feel at the moment. Have a brilliant day. ;)
I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom for me and you,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark say good night,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by,
I see friends shaking hands, saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, "I love you."
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Oh yeah
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Note to self: Smile
Ah, so my exam results will be out tomorrow.
Wonderful.
For some odd reason, I'm calm about it. No jumping around, no bouncing off walls, nothing. I'm just sitting here, emptying my thoughts into a lonely blog.
I'm terrified, though. Calm, but terrified.
I'm going to live with what I said; life is a series of lessons. Tomorrow, a new lesson shall be learned. I'll be watching and listening closely. It's my sincere hope that tomorrow won't be a time I shall regret.
Whatever happens, I'll smile and move on. It's a promise I've made to myself; I'm not sure if it's a promise I'll adhere to, but it's a promise nonetheless.
I wish all the best to all my friends out there, also.. all the best to myself. Oh, and let's not forget everyone else in the world. To my friends; I know you'll do great. Even if it's one or two or three A's, it doesn't matter. To me, whatever you get, I'll still know that you did great. To me, you're still special. Smile... smile and laugh for all you're worth. Enjoy everything that you have in life. Don't let life get you down, as it's wont to do.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world...
Ah, I guess I should make a move now. Great time for a walk down memory lane, don't you think? So, with a flourish of my imaginary quill, and a wistful smile, goodnight, good luck, and good wishes upon you.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Oh, and what a difference it made.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Measure of a Man
Okay; I wrote this a few days after Valentine's Day. Just some unusual thought I had. I'm sure there are errors here and there, but I hope they're minor enough that they can be overlooked. Here goes.
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There it is again. The smile. I know it's there, just waiting to come out. Some people are simply too easy to read, especially those who are hopelessly smitten. His eyes, unfocused and dreamy, gaze at random objects; he notices nothing, though. Well, nothing but the girl in his mind. Her honest smile, her shining eyes, the hair falling around her face, and perhaps he even imagines her in his arms. Ah, there it is. He smiles. I say a random comment about his daydreaming, again, and we speak a bit, before he goes on another flight of fancy. I smile to myself, amused, but happy. Secretly, I wished that I could find a girl that I could love the same way.
As I sat there, my mind wandered freely before wondering a single thing. I wondered what was the measure of a man. Of course, such a thought would surface now, as we're only days past Valentine's Day. It was once only a day of love. Now, it was a day of love and heartfelt gifts and expensive dinners. Heartfelt, of course, meant that they were expensive enough for the hearts of men to experience an odd, unpleasant feeling as they parted with their money. Gone were the days when women swooned as poetry was recited, often with them on a balcony above and the men standing outside, on dirt or pavement or grass. A sky dusted with stars often completed such events. A modern day scene would involve a man reciting the amount of money in his bank acount, more likely. This was the day when women were especially special while men proved their mettle. Bank accounts - or rather the men who had them - suffered. Wallets grew thin; the thinner they were, the happier the women.
I thought, 'is it worth doing?' Often, we hear women grumble when men ignore such days. Cheap gifts, to them, meant cheap men, and they would then be forced to leave as the men were obviously not in love with them. Why is it so? What, oh what indeed, is the measure of a man? How do we know if our significant other loves us? Does a man who doesn't give his girlfriend a gift on Valentine's Day not love her? What if he, on some random day - for example, on the 27th of March - decides to show how much he loves her, and she becomes a queen for a day? It doesn't mean that he loves her less. Love is love, no matter how or when it's shown. It isn't a one day thing. Valentine's Day is just a day, and there are 365 days in a year. 365 different days for a person to show how much they love someone. On leap years, they get an extra day.
So, in this case, how should a woman judge a man? Is it by the gifts he gives, or the clothes he wears, or how he says the right things at all the right times? In all honesty, I don't believe so. A man in love might not be able to say all the right things when he's needed to. He might remain silent, then say something, be it right or wrong. Then he'd smile, and hold her hands in his. He might look into her eyes, and say, "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I'll be there for you no matter what." He'd learn how to sit quietly. He'd learn the value of silence, and realize that not all situations required things to be spoken. Sometimes, saying nothing would be saying the right thing. He might hold her hand in his, and stroke it gently with his thumb, lending as much comfort as he could by simply being there. Love and comfort freely given, not forced into words and sentences.
How about gifts, though? Do they not matter? Yes, they do, but in another way. The greatest gift is of course trust. Trusting a person with your hopes, dreams, ambitions, secrets, and fears is the greatest gift that could be freely given to your loved ones. You are basically offering them your heart, and it is up to them to care for it or break it. Forgiveness is also a form of trust, as it means that you trust the person enough that you would open your heart to them again. Not that material gifts shouldn't be given; it's just that they shouldn't be as important as trust. In fact, objects of beauty are very important in this day and age, but what should be taken into in consideration isn't its price, but the reason and motivation behind it.
There he goes, smiling again. I laugh softly. I must admit, it's very amusing. I have no better entertainment than to watch lovesick friends smiling their special smiles, the ones born out of dreams and flights of fancy. At least he chose a good person to daydream about. I, on the other hand, still haven't found my girl to dream about. As I sat there, done with my wondering as my friend's mind still wandered, I came to learn something; men shouldn't be judged by silly things as great displays or heartfelt(the original meaning, mind you) declarations of love. A man should instead be judged by the the little and simple things done for his loved one. The comforting touch of his hand. A smile on his face as he thinks of her. A simple deed such as cleaning or cooking done because he knew how tired she was. Sharing his deepest secrets with her - bits of his heart and soul. Letting her be as free as she wants to be - trusting her with freedom - knowing that she would return. To me, these are the things worth doing, the actions from which a man is to be measured.
The smile appears again. I shake my head, still amused, mentioning how hopeless he's being at that moment. He looks at me, still smiling, knowing that I know what he's thinking, and he makes some random noise. If only that girl could see him smile that way; she, it seems, is a very, very lucky girl.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
The little story of me.
So.
I have many things to say today.
Let's just say that for some reason, one of my lecturers decided that today would be a good day to be bitchy(to me). Just because of one question I asked, a chain reaction happened. Consequently, throughout the class, I was called rude and self-centered. It was somehow arbitrarily decided(by her) that I would not survive in the real world, needed to learn how to be patient(I was very patient with how bitchy she was with me), that I was not a good person in general, and that whatever she says, she says it because it's true and that it's important.
Of course, right after the class, I proceeded to curse her and her ancestors all the way up(or down) to 500 A.D., which might have included my ancestors too. I liberally used the words 'bitch', 'fuck', 'fucking', and 'bitchy' in most of my sentences. If I had really been rude in that one question I asked - which wasn't rude - then I might not have been so angry. I was truly pissed. In my head I had already created 100 little dolls of my lecturer and had tortured them - ala voodoo - in a 100 different ways.
After all the bitching was said and mentally done, things changed. I sat down and realized that there was no real reason for me to be so pissed. I still felt wronged, because what she did was obviously wrong. But then I had no reason to be so angry. Whenever I get angry, my vocabulary is reduced to words such as... well, I'd rather not repeat them again, so please recall the words I used in the previous paragraph. Anyway, yea. I don't always get angry, but when I do, I get extremely angry. Okay, back to what I was saying.
So what if she was bitchy. I should've realized that 'hey, maybe she's always like that'. Maybe it happens again and again in every semester to many other (innocent) students. I shouldn't justify losing control of my temper by such a thing. I always thought that I was a bit more thick-skinned, capable of ignoring insults if I knew they had no true basis. And she didn't have a good basis. I'm dreadfully vulnerable to anything my friends say about me, but I can still ignore them if I know what they say isn't true.
So, why was I so angry this time? Honestly, I don't know. It was wrong, but not wronger(yes, this is a legitimate word) than things I've been able to brush off before this. I didn't realize that she was just being her, in her own weird way. Upon further investigation, I found out that she has done the same thing to many other students. It was one of things where we think 'Oh, she's doing it again. Oh well.' I don't think that such things in the world should be condoned - or even tolerated - but there are times when our hands are tied.
Let's face it. I'm a teenager. Like it or not, it doesn't matter how mature or rational I am. No matter how I can argue certain issues with the people in charge, it would take a miracle that would be eye-popping even to the prophets of old for me to be able to convince 'adults' that I can be right. It's hard to argue against the nature of a person. It's hard to argue against decades of so-called experience, decades of 'learning' and 'living' and 'wisdom'. Too hard.
What I do know is that a person may have lived for days and months and years and decades, but it doesn't mean that the person learned the lessons that needed learning. Anyone can live for decades. It is in our nature as humans to eat, drink, sleep, and live. But not everyone can learn the lessons in life. Just like when we get advice; we either hear it or listen to it.
And I have listened. I listen not because I am expected to, and not because I have been forced to listen. I listen because I choose to do so. Just because I don't agree with what the lecturer said, it doesn't mean that I didn't listen. I listened, and learned that it was wrong. Isn't life a series of lessons, a series of things new and old, familiar and unfamiliar? Sometimes there is value in listening to people who say bad things, because we may then learn of the wrongness of what they say. There is a kernel of truth in everything that is spoken or written or done, even if that little bit of truth is not in support of those things.
Let it not be said that because we are young, we are foolish. Let it not be said that we are so easily swayed by the world around us, in newspapers and televisions and radios and the environment. I can't speak for the other youths of the world, but I will say that yes, I do watch and listen to all these things around me. And I learn the hidden lessons. I look for the hidden stashes of truth in such things, for everything is potentially a life-changing experience.
That is how I am inspired. Inspiration is all around me, in words and images and people. In beginnings and endings and the life in between.
And that, my friends, is why I am the person I am today.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Random thoughts
So, the sun shines after all.
I guess it's time for me to take a step back, to see where my life is really going. Too often have I observed the life of others, but I feel that now's the time for me to look at my own life.
I quit my job. It was a good experience, of course, but I had the impression that I wasn't really wanted. The pay was terrible, but that isn't the point. I just... felt that it was the right time to leave. College work is piling up - strangely enough - since I didn't really expect many assignments.
So, do I really know what I want to do with life? Not entirely. I know I want to write a book. I want to communicate with people, to learn new and different things. I want to be inspired, and to inspire in return. I want to have my friends around me. I want... I want too many things.
I'm grateful, though. Grateful for everything that I have. I'm grateful for my friends, for the things I have, for my family staying together no matter how far we're apart, for the talents I have. Everything.
I now realize that what I need to do now is... to take a breather, and to just explore myself a bit more. That is why after this semester(which will only end 2 months from now) I want to go on a vacation. Again. Preferably with my friends.
There are so many things I still need to learn. I need to learn how to just... sit, and enjoy the moment. I need to learn how to seize the moment, how to move forward at my own pace. I need to learn the meaning of life. I need... again, I need too many things.
And.. my friends... well, I'm grateful for every single day that I've known them. I know that I can be harsh sometimes, and the truth often hurts, but there isn't a single day when I'm not grateful for my friends. At the end of the day, all I want is to look out for them, to make sure that their lives are as special as possible. I don't exactly have a best friend, someone who's on the exact wavelength as me, but... I'm happy with the friends I have. I'll write more about my friends in another entry...
I know this entry seems disjointed and unpolished, but so are my thoughts at the moment. I just.. suddenly had the urge to write this.
And I'm terribly glad that I did.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Here I Come to Save the Day
I guess now I really know why I love to dispense advice to friends; sometimes even when they don't want to hear it. It's not just to fix a situation. It's not something I do just so things return to normal.
I love to tell my friends what they need to hear. Not necessarily what they want to hear, but what they need to hear. Bonus points if what I say makes them feel good, and appreciated, and so on. It's a great feeling, knowing that you can help someone. It's not all one-sided though. If my friends act or say something irrational, unfair, or vengeful, I do try to get them to look at the other side of the coin.
I smile, say something affirmative like 'I know' or 'I agree' then I go with the ever-present 'but'. I give them my opinion, often with a disclaimer that I am not all-knowing, what I say might not be correct, and that what I say should not be taken too closely to heart. But I do know that although it may not be right, I know that it's damn well near the truth, or at least what's best in a situation.
After that, I listen to the other side. I compare my mental notes with what the other party says, and fill in the blanks obviously left by my friend, and get the whole picture. A friend of mine says it's much like being a turncoat; I offer information from one side so the other would give me information in return. It's a betray of trust, one that I've never really been too comfortable with.
But(Of course there's a but).
I'm a person of convenience. I find the quickest way possible to ensure the problem is resolved. It would take much longer to slowly gather information from each side if I offer nothing in return. I do so often without the knowledge of both parties. Is it wrong? Yes, very much so. But do I regret it? To this I say, HELL NO. I don't always say that what I know is from the other side. The use of this information usually begins with; "I'm not sure if it's right, but I think that he/she said that because..." and so on. And I'm not afraid of saying 'I think you're being an idiot', but not necessarily using the word 'idiot'.
I don't go around telling people what I know, though. Some secrets are best left unsaid. I only tell others about something if I'm worried about it. Like, for example, if I'm worried about my friend. I might mention it to other close friends to hear what they have to say. Life doesn't revolve around my viewpoint alone; there are others worth listening to as well.
At the end of the day, things usually become normal again. Note that, in my opinion, things being normal again is only a side-effect of me helping my friends. Although I joke a lot with my friends, sometimes being not very nice about it, I do look out for them. Sometimes I complain that they bother me with too many of their own problems, but deep down inside I know that I'd go out of my way to help them. Ideally, I want to keep my friends out of trouble as much as possible.
It's not just about helping your friends up when they fall. It's not just about that. Sometimes, we gotta grab them before they fall. But when they do fall flat on their face, don't bother with false platitudes. Don't just say 'things will get better', or something to that extent. I usually give them what I think is the truth; a healthy dose of nice and a big serving of reality too. For example: "If you really like that person, go for it. But don't expect too much. If he/she only wants to be friends, so be it. You can't expect life to turn out perfect. It isn't a movie. Don't let it get you down. Deal with it." It's more often than not the most obvious bit of knowledge, but you'd be surprised how some people need to be reminded of these things.
And that's how I handle life. Usually it's not my life that's being handled, though.
Before I end this; thanks Lina for the kind words. :) It's unnecessary, of course, because I can't help my friends if I myself need help, but I appreciate it. :)
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