Ah, a song that 'fits'

Wow.. I was just browsing through the channels on TV yesterday... and on MTV, I found a song that I think really represents me at the moment.. the lyrics sort of cut straight to my heart. It's the song Ten Years Time by Gabrielle.... I admit, I don't really like her, but this song.. wow, I just think that it suits me really well. Here are the lyrics:

Do you have a vision?
Do you have a goal?
I'm watching you shrugging your shoulders,
Telling me you just don't know.

Do you get emotional?
Is there something you're passionate about?
I can tell that you're still searching,
Still trying to work it all out.

It takes time
Take your time
Mm mm
You will know
When it feels right

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
In your life

What would you fight for?
For what do you stand?
How will you go about it?
And do you have a masterplan?

What are your demons?
How much for your soul?
Have you found religion?
And gone down that road?

Guess we all need
Something to believe
oh oh oh
Times haven't changed
Thats how it's gotta be

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
Yeah
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
We're talking about your life

Are you a dreamer?
Tell me all your dreams
Can you say honestly
What you want to be

What would you do,
When your back's against the wall?
Would you stand on your two feet?
Would you admit defeat?

These are the times
You need to be strong
Don't you know,
Don't you know that is hard
Have you learned to find a way?
You gotta find a way to carry on

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
Yeah
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
We're talking about your life
Your life

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
Yeah
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
We're talking about your life
Your life

Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be alright?
Tell me will you get it right? get it right?
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way that you're living your life?
Do you feel it being right? It will be alright.
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be alright?
Tell me will you get it right? get it right?
Where you gonna be in ten years time?

Sort of shows how I feel right now, about life in general. I could save a lot of time if someone asked me how I felt, and I could just point out this song.. because this is how I feel right now. Finally a song that 'fits'....

Read on...

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Ice-cream and life

Hm. I haven't updated in awhile.

Anyway... tonight is one of those 'eat ice cream and wallow in self misery' nights. Everything's hitting me at once. Me and my mom are the only ones left here, with my father working overseas and my elder brother studying in the US. It's only less than 80 days till my final exam for high/secondary school, and it will either make me, or break me.

Things are changing.

This is IT... my childhood(which includes my teenage life) is almost over. No more relaxation, no more carefree days, no more escaping from responsibility. I don't want to grow up.. not now, not ever. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and as far as I can tell.. it won't be as magical as my childhood was.

I confess, I can't remember too much from my childhood, but I know that I was happy. My parents always made sure that I was just a child, never growing up too fast, but always there to make sure that I did grow up all nice and well. I was never left wanting. We also had a maid.. not quite a maid anymore, but more of a family member... I think when she passed away due to breast cancer, a part of my childhood died as well. That was the first slap from reality, telling me that I can't plan when I want to grow up. Things started changing then. I had responsibilities. I wasn't a child anymore.

As the years went by... more and more responsibilities appeared. My mother knew that my brother and I were old enough, and she made sure that we did whatever teenagers had to do as part of reaching maturity. School was a full-time job. School projects, assignments, grades, and so much more. Studying was my part-time job. I couldn't simply run around avoiding work if I wanted to keep up in school. I did amazingly well for an important exam during my third year of high/secondary school, and now I'm in Pure Science for the last two years of schooling, the so-called 'prestigious' stream for students... we are the ones who end up as doctors, engineers, and so on. It was expected of me, I suppose, because no one wanted someone who got straight A's to go into a.. less prestigious stream. I obeyed. I don't know if it was only my choice, or if society had a hand in shaping my decision. I know that I wanted to go into Pure Science, but what was my intention? Did I even have solid goals then?

Now.. now school is just a part of my existence. We have so much work that by the beginning of the year I'm already burnt out, and don't want to do anymore work. My subjects are so hard.. so, so hard. The teachers expect us to be the best students, getting good grades and making the school proud. But I don't know. I'd rather see someone from the 'less prestigious' streams shine, because then.. then they would be jewels among rocks. Where I am... jewels ARE rocks. No matter how well you do, people will just say 'oh, that's good... besides, you pure science students are supposed to be the best anyway.' My grades are only average for a Pure Science student, but in any other stream I would be among the best, if not the best. The teachers.. they just tell us average pure science students that we're not working hard enough, when we're doing a lot more than the other streams. I wish that they'd lay off. They need to focus on the 'worse' students first. I don't see why they are putting all their hopes on the 'good' students only, when they should be focusing more on bringing up the standard of education of the other students. They give us extra work and say that it's because we're good that we get extra work.. but isn't that a bit silly? It's as if they've given up hope on the other students. I know some of those other students, and despite the fact that their grades may not be on par with those in my stream, but they are good people.

In a silly world like this... grades are all that matter. Being a good person doesn't ensure your success in life. To me, that's wrong. What world do we live in, where a piece of paper and a few numbers and alphabets can totally destroy the chances of good people having good lives. It doesn't matter that they've never broken laws, or that they've helped so many friends in their life, or that they've given all they can to the rest of the world. It doesn't matter that... because of these people, others have smiles and joy in their day-to-day lives.

Now all I have to look forward to in life is getting good grades, getting into a good uni, getting a good job, working for the rest of my life, and then retiring. That's it. That's all that life has to offer... and it sucks. Screw all this. I don't want my future to be dictated by a stupid piece of paper. I don't want to be represented by a stupid piece of paper. I just want to be me.

I'm sure this tub of ice-cream I'm holding agrees with me.

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La di dum dum

Hm. Things have been a bit weird lately. For some reason, I'm perpetually tired. I'm not sure why. My diet seems fine, I've been eating the same things that I've been eating for most of my life.

Is it possible for the body to grow weary bit by bit over a period of time, leaving us drained near the end of the cycle? I've never heard of it, but to me it seems somewhat feasible, because if the mind can experience such a cycle, than why not the body? Well.. it's either that, or the heat is starting to get to me. For some unknown reason, my air-conditioner won't work properly in the day, but is fine at night. Maybe the days are hotter now. Global warming and all that jazz. I don't know.

*sigh*

In less than a month the trial exams start. I'm so dead. I have no inclination at all to study. None. Nada. Zip. I know that I'm supposed to study and stuff... but oh well. I do hope that suddenly, as if a divine arm reached down from the heavens and whacked me squarely behind my head, I'll go 'What the $@#$!? I should be studying!' Then I'd follow up with that sudden realization and.. well, study.

Why is it that we humans don't do things that we know we're supposed to be doing? Because we're the best living procrastinators on earth. That statement includes animals into the equation. Animals are never really late for anything, they do whatever they're supposed to do in the seasons they have to do it, and then.. well, do it over and over and over again. Humans.. well, we just put things off till the next day. Bleh. Not sure why, though.

Anyway... ... um.. I've suddenly remembered that I'm supposed to be doing something.. just that I can't remember what.

I better go now... I hope it'll come to me in due time... silly memories.

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