When in doubt... ask your journal

Gah, I am seriously depressed.

One thing though - is it still depression if I can still go around smiling and laughing and telling jokes? But then again, I've never not been able to go around smiling and laughing and telling jokes. Even when depressed.

I'm good at hiding my feelings, I guess.

Although, when I smile nowadays it doesn't reach my eyes.

I think it's forgotten how to reach my eyes. That, or it's forgotten that it could.

But it's funny though. I want so much for people to notice, for them to see that there's something wrong and ask me about it. But at the same time, I don't want to tell them. Don't want to share the burden. I mean, I do my best to act like nothing's wrong all the time anyway. Funny how I want one thing but act in such a way that covers it up.

Maybe it's because of pride. Maybe I'd just be embarassed. I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid of having more people know about how I really feel all the time.

Maybe I'm afraid to trust?

So, is it depression if you know you feel sad all the time but you can still act like you're not? Because I know I'm not happy, nor am I content. I'm just... sad? But I still go around smiling and laughing. I'm rarely even pensive.

Read on...

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