Gah

I know I'm late, I know I need to get moving.

But don't come into my room to use the phone, and criticize me while talking on the phone with your girlfriend, WITH ME THERE.

And that was right after you said you wouldn't interfere for now since it's exam week for me, in that patronizing tone that never fails to rile me.

I know you care. But that's not the right way to show it.

I KNOW I'm late. Don't need to remind me.

Read on...

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Personality, tested

Fine, I decided to cheat a little and just use the results from an online personality test. From perex.com ... oh well. Here are the results:

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You are exceptional and unique. Your quest in life is to identify exactly who you are and why you’re here. What’s important to you is the journey of self discovery, determining who you are today is not the same as who you’ll be tomorrow.

You resist being categorized and are quick to question any social standard that you sense someone imposing on you. Stereotypical gender roles always interest you and, in your mind, connect to issues that most other people would never even consider related.

You can “connect” with any individual person and practically read their mind, but you have a natural tendency to match your actions to the expectations you read from their mind and yearn for company that lets you truly, naturally be yourself. You struggle between letting yourself naturally match the sentiment of the group (which feels like putting on a façade) or letting your individuality shine, which may allow people to see how different you are.

You are particularly accepting of other people and have a special talent for seeing people’s true selves instinctively. It takes time for you to trust your gut instinct about people because even you don’t believe that someone could be so right about another person’s nature so quickly. This intuitive sense about what people are thinking (which is actually your hyper-attention to nonverbal cues) is your special talent. You may think it is available to everyone and that others just ignore it, but in truth others could never develop the skill to the level which comes naturally to you.

To you everything happens on a personal level. Your friends come to you for advice because they know that you’ll love them for who they are and put yourself in their shoes to look at the world. Your advice, although varied in delivery, usually boils down to “be true to yourself” and “listen to your heart.” You are also an excellent confidant because things told to you never return to anyone through the grapevine. You exude this quality so strongly that even strangers will sometimes spontaneously begin confiding their deepest secrets in you.

Despite all of that, you are not much of a talker. In fact, words sometimes trip you up because you prefer nonverbal communication. Unfortunately, most of the world is not as attuned to nonverbal communication the way you are, so your opinion can get overshadowed if a more outspoken person is part of the decision.

You focus more on nurturing other’s self esteem than any other type. As a result of this naturally caring nature your close friends often turn to you for moral support.

You are by far the most talented of all types at reading nonverbal cues. In your admirable attempts to convey a message diplomatically, those who aren't sensitive to inflection, tone, insinuations or body language sometimes simply do not get your message because they only receive the verbal half of what you said.

In the same way that you're the best at reading nonverbal cues, you're also the best at sending them. When you speak they miss the nonverbal half of your message, then they speak and transmit twice the message (verbal + nonverbal) which often gives away more than they intended but is sometimes carelessly inaccurate since they don’t send nonverbal cues as well as you do. When you're tempted to assign bias based on someone’s tone or other nonverbal cues it is wise to have them restate what they said and see if ignoring the careless, unintentional nonverbal half of their message lets the true meaning through.

If you have children your focus is making sure that your child has a strong self-image and high self-esteem. More than other parents it is important for you to be friends with your children.

You are more philosophical than most and passionately think about ethics and justice more than other types. It is when ethical issues come up in conversation that you most strongly sense that you are fundamentally different from other people. You become visually emotionally focused when these issues arise, while others easily laugh them off and switch topics to something trivial. To you, it seems that everyone should be passionate about ending racism, sexism and other social ills.

You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that rules or laws should be ignored. You think constantly about improving laws, and see that at a major avenue for advancing social change because you see legislation and rule creation as the consensus opinion of the group working together. For you the focus is seeing everyone working together in harmony.

You are a healer and probably give great massages and know what foods will make people happy again. You prefer to surround yourself with direct, honest, authentic people who let you reinvent yourself every time you meet. You want nothing more than for there to be peace and harmony in the world, and your actions clearly reflect that vision.

You are more strongly moved by poetry and artistic expression than any other type. You are interested in the finer points of different artistic mediums, having many complete and incomplete poems and stories in your head if not on paper.

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Wonder how much it reflects the true me... :p Sounds too good to be true.

Read on...

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Strange?

Is it strange that an 18-year old boy loves to read and imagine and dream, while others go out and play sports and party?

Is it strange that, at my age, words and songs and stories can touch me, inspire me, make me feel and understand what I have never felt, or understood, and move me in ways that I never even knew were possible?

Is it strange that someone who has not even reached adulthood dreams of the joys of parenting, dreams of the children that have yet to come, feels the happiness and anguish and desires and fears of a parent, a father, a protector, an inspiration?

Is it strange for a teenager to feel as if they are an older soul stuck in youth, desperate to be adult again, desperate to be whole?

Is it strange for an individual who has not experienced much to be able to experience and relish a life that he has not lived before, simply from reading and listening with the mind and the heart?

Is it strange for someone who has everything they need to want more - to know what makes a person happy, to know how to move a person to joy and life, to know the smiles and tears of people so that this someone could share in both?

Is is strange that the self-proclaimed bastion of inner strength and advocate of self-driven identity feels bleak and incomplete, though the flaws in the facade rarely appear?

Is it strange for someone who hides behind high walls - walls that he himself has put up with great care - wishes that the walls would crumble so that he himself may step out?

Is it strange to look out the window and fear the darkness, waiting only for a time that a light appears so that you could have the strength to step out and reveal yourself?

Is it strange for a person desperately want to trust, but can never bring himself to do so?

Is it strange for a warrior to desire to throw down his armor, so that he may learn to relax and feel the rain and wind and life on his skin, for in armor he only feels them where there are gaps and flaws?

Is it strange to want a soul to see through your defences so that they may see the real you?

Is it strange, then, to be me?

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Strange post, I know, but these are strange times. I'd call it a transitional period, one where everything is unsettled, and you don't know what is real and what is not, what you are and what you are not. But my mood is good - still.

What inspired this? A song. A Malay song, which makes it even weirder. But, regardless of the language, the words mean something to me. The words make me feel. I love the song. Perhaps the only Malay song I have ever loved?

Ku tatap gambar wajahmu
Sinar mata itu
Lirik senyumanmu
Pesona yang membelai
Wajahmu bercahaya
Memberi bahagia
Tiap yang memandang
Hati jadi salju
Kau terlalu istimewa
Kasih dan sayangmu terpancar
Seikhlas
Tiada batasan terus membara
Terkilan rasa jiwa
Inginku lihatmu dewasa
Apa daya
Tuhan menyayangimu
Ku pasti kau berbahagia
Duduk di samping-Nya
Mendengar cerita
Segala rahsia
Tak tertanggung rindu
Mendengar suaramu
Tawa mengusik jiwa

-Terlalu Istimewa, by Adibah Noor

...that is all, I suppose.

ps: Thanks Muizz for the song! :)

Read on...

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On writing, and what I mean to write

I guess now's a good time to think about the book that I will eventually write. I suppose that the problem, up to now, has been about... what's the main theme of the book? What are the supporting themes, and how do I plan to integrate them into the book?

We can all agree that writing a book without direction isn't exactly good writing. I can't simply write 'One day...' and hope that somehow the story flows from there. It's useless.

Hm. Having said that, what DO I intend to write? What ideas or feelings do I want to convey to readers, and why?

Perhaps I shall begin with what the story shall revolve around.

I've always been fascinated with the idea of Gods or deities, of what we know or do not know, of what goes bump at night. Not that I do much research on these things, but I do think of them a lot. I suppose that growing up in a society which thrives on these things nurtures that, yeah?

But, at the same time, I've always thought about human ability as well. Human power. Humans depending on themselves, rather than a god or gods, for that inner strength that some people have. Some people attribute this inner strength to a greater being than themselves. Some people attribute this inner strength to no one or nothing else but themselves.

So, I intend to combine these two. I wish to create gods with human emotions, beings of great strength who think and feel and belief as we do. If gods walk the earth, and are acknowledged as gods, what do they depend on? Their great power? Themselves? They themselves have immense power and ability, but would they still believe that there is something else greater out there? How then would I combine a human's inner strength and a god's powers?

Hm. But that's more of a 'setting' for my story, isn't it? Not a theme or idea.

So what are some of the ideas that I have? I'm not entirely certain, but I guess I've thought of some things.

One would be the intensity and passion of friendships. I do love a good love story every now and then, but honestly I am equally fascinated by the dynamics of friendship. Some friends, you have to talk to all the time, and once the contact is gone, the feeling is gone. Some friends you can leave for months and months at a time, and when you meet again you act as if you'd never been apart at all. What are friends? What makes a good friend or a bad friend or a friend for life? Where does friendship end and love begin? These are all questions I wish to ask, although as of now I'm still not sure how to explore these ideas effectively.

One hurdle that I shall have to cross somehow is... how to express sentimental or emotional moments in writing. Especially if I intend to explore the friendship angle. You know how guy friends get 'weirded out' when one of them says something affectionate about their friendship? I suppose the same can be said about writing it. Whatever friends I create in the story, I intend to have them saying or doing things that will have normal people 'weirded out' :P. I'm not sure why, but this is something I feel strongly about.

Maybe it's my way of saying to everyone out there, and to the people whom they love as friends and family, that they should learn how to say how they feel, to be confident enough not to remain quiet and allow friendships to end or love to disappear. Sometimes, being silent is a greater mistake than saying something, when there is something to be said. But then again, maybe it's because all my life, I've been afraid of being lonely, afraid of losing my friends. Sometimes I sit among them and wonder; do they really think of me as a friend? Sometimes I just want them to look me in the eye and tell me that I am a friend, and even better, a good one. This just got worse after the falling out of sorts with someone whom I thought to be my friend, if not best friend. But it was only imagined friendship on my part.

Hence, passion in friendship is something that I would really want to explore in the story. I'm not sure how yet, but.. I just want to do it. I want to learn how to be unabashedly sentimental.

What else?

A second theme would be individuality, difference, and diversity. Our society thrives on uniformity and conformity. Sometimes they say that they want people to be unique, fresh, and uniquely special, but I know now that that isn't true. Difference isn't celebrated in society. No matter how they sugar-coat it, calling someone else 'unique' or 'special' or 'original' does not change the fact that in someone else's mind, that person is 'different'.

People are always looking for someone to lead them, a savior, an innovator, but when these people come along, they are ostracized by being different, for wanting to rise above their station, for wanting to champion new ideas and change and difference and acceptance. No one wants a universal savior or champion. No one wants to associate with someone who sees what they don't see, feels what they can't feel, believes what they don't believe, and this different person would be labeled as crazy or delusional. What they want is a champion for themselves, a champion who will take up THEIR cause, and not the cause of every single person in the world. They don't want to be put on the same level as those who are different from them.

A real savior, I believe, would be one who champions all good causes, who favors no one over another. For everyone believes that their 'goodness' is better than someone else's 'goodness'. A Muslim might accept Christians, and would tell us not to harm these people, but there would still be that feeling of distrust, that patronizing voice in them that says 'they would all go to hell, for they are not us.' Somehow, a single fact about a person would diminish all the good that person has done in their entire life. I want to write about accepting others with no patronizing feeling whatsoever, of accepting them wholly and unconditionally.

Therefore, I want to write about individuality, difference, of what is new and unknown and untested. And the possible truth and justice in this 'new' thing. People are always searching for 'truth', but I suspect when the truth hits them, they will brush it away or wouldn't believe in it because it might contradict what they 'know' or believe in, or perhaps what they have been brought up to believe. The truth is out there, but when it comes, will we be able to recognize it?

Hm. So. That's all for now? I'd love to write more, but it's late, and I'm not sure about the other themes yet.

Heh. That is all then, for now.

Read on...

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You're nobody til somebody loves you - Dean Martin

You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

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I'm trying to tell myself that the song doesn't ring true for me, that I'm satisfied, content, and perhaps even happy despite my unattached status.

It's not working.

Read on...

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