Ups and Downs

Okay, do I have anything to say? Not really. I'm just bored, it's 7.15 a.m. and I have nothing to do. *sigh*

Life's normal. Bursts of happiness. Semi-lots of fun. Several 'are my friends gonna leave me?' moments. Ups and downs.

I guess it's easier to think of life as 'normal' when you've accepted both its ups and downs, instead of looking only at the positive. Once in a while, I reveal the 'negative' side of me among my friends, because then I have less to hide. I am, after all, imperfect, and I don't want any people believing otherwise simply because I sometimes act like a stuck up arsehole.

Oh, and I did NOT practice DOTA before that first game we played, and I have not practiced it at any given time up to this point! Just to clear the air.

There's only one 'down' that I keep to myself though, and never reveal to anyone. I'd have to reveal it someday, that's for sure. In the meantime, I need to work up the nerve to do it :P It's funny how we sometimes have to work up the nerve to do something that only takes a few moments to accomplish.

Still on the perpetual quest of finding the 'right one' for me, which I believe is as easy as getting myself nominated for sainthood; next to impossible, that is. I did identify something in my life which sort of 'blocks' my ability to.. well, find the right person... but that's something I'd rather not divulge.

What else?

Hm.

When I fall for someone, I guess I'd fall hard. Just a hunch, not entirely based on supposition. Experience counts.

Yeah. Heh. :) This is me, and sometimes I don't like to say 'this is me' because sometimes 'this' is flawed, but.. heh. Ups and downs.

Read on...

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Sheepish look

Okay. So I felt like crap yesterday.

I take back some of the things I said... the negatives ones, I mean.

Yea, there is a small kernel of truth in what I said, but I shouldn't have made it sound as if my life has been such a waste, that it's such a horrible mess of unachieved expectations now.

Yeah. I feel bad for saying all that. I'm not saying that it was all wrong; I just regret the way I made it seem. I'm still unsatisfied with some things, but... I can cope.

So. Yea. Feeling better tonight. Things have not changed much, and I mean it in a good way. I feel rather glad and relieved that things are still normal. Feeling sorry towards the friends I doubted, although they don't really know about it. Heh.

Yeah. Life as usual.

Read on...

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In The Rule of Four

There is a book called The Rule of Four. I only finished reading it last night, but I believe that it ranks among the top 3 books that I've ever read - not that I've read that many books, anyway.

And, in it, I probably read something that I really needed to read;
It's better to love something that can love you back.

One of the character says that. It struck me how much it applies in my life, in my fruitless pursuits, false hopes, and foolish desires. These things that I want, these things I have devoted my life to; are they really worth it? Am I searching for the wrong things? Do I love something that would never love me in return?

Maybe that's why, despite all my efforts, I do not really get much satisfaction out of life. Sometimes, when I have given the best of myself - and expect the best in return - I get nothing instead. For every step forward, it seems that I take several steps back. Perhaps it's not because life itself is complicated. Perhaps it's not because of fate or destiny or any of that crap. The locus of control, it seems, is not in nature or even God's mysterious ways; the locus of control is in me.

In a way, it is almost totally my fault. One may seek to take many steps forward in life, but it is impossible to walk up a cliff. Perhaps all that I've been doing wrong is going for the wrong things, wanting what could not be gained, yearning for something entirely out of my reach.

It is funny how in my burning desire to walk up cliffs, I have not noticed that there are other paths, other destinations, other things to desire - things that may be well within my reach. One may be disappointed when searching for heaven, but that may only be because one seeks for the heavens above, and have forgotten the heavens here on earth.

Now, I know that I usually just use vague explanations, and never really explain the problem(s) in detail, but perhaps this time I'll give a long explanation.

Friendship is something that I willingly offer - maybe even too willingly. In a previous post, I mentioned that the greatest fear in life that I have is being lonely. This of course has driven me to offer friendship too eagerly, giving too much of myself. Among the Bene Gesserit in the story of Dune, it is said that 'fear is the mind-killer.' And I believe it. Although it has not killed my mind, it has succeeded in interfering with my thoughts.

So, I offer too much of myself - and herein lies the problem. I went a step further - expecting much of my friends in return for whatever I've done. Expectation, I created it. In this I confess that perhaps I have not been the best of friends, for the best of friends offer much of themselves without expecting anything in return.

Yes, I realize that it seems rather foolish.

But to this I say; love may conquer all, but friendship would sure as hell put up a great fight.

For centuries love has been cited as a great force, a hidden force that can move mountains and inspire legends. What they have forgotton, though, that friendship comes pretty close.

So, expectations, friendship, bla bla bla.. what does this have to do with anything? Well, everything. Why? Because my expectations were never really fulfilled. I gave much, but perhaps have received next to nothing in return. Well, not really next to nothing - some friends have made the effort, and for that they have my sincere gratitude. But others haven't really met my expectations.

Again, it is only because I wanted something that I could not get, loved something that would not love me in return.

You might now think; so what? Screw those friends. Leave them.

I wish I could, but the problem is that the one friend to whom I gave the most of myself... well, suffice to say, I don't think that I've really received what I've given. I believe that the more a person gives, the more a person receives. When one gives their time and energy to cultivate a plant, does the plant not grow? It'll grow.

But in this case.. I don't know. I just feel that I have not received my due. And now, after reading The Rule of Four, I realize that it may be entirely my fault. I expected something that I could never get. I desired satisfaction from a friendship that I now belatedly realize might never satisfy me. Although some of the plants that I've cultivated around me have grown, the one plant that I really want to grow is stunted and slow. This time, though, it affects me in such a way that I have problems cultivating the other plants.

Perhaps I'm just worrying too much, reading from a blank page, prophesying a future that does not exist.

On the other hand, if this is really what is happening, maybe I should just prepare for the inevitable. Sometimes, in life, we must remove an element which we never ever want gone, but yet we remove it because it is affecting everything else in life.

I feel guilty for doubting my friend, though. From this friendship I've gained many things as well, many moments that I'd never relinquish. Thinking about it now, focusing on the positive, I realize that what I've written above seems rather harsh and self-centered. I did learn many things from this friendship, gaining things like companionship, trust, and so on. Maybe it's just my mood that drives this, not really knowledge and wisdom. There is a small voice inside me screaming how horrible I am to have written this, how ungrateful a person I am, that I am a manipulative, self-centered bastard bent on nothing but my own personal fulfillment. I believe this voice is my conscience. And... I do believe in what that small voice is saying. It kills me even more than fear does. But, all things considered, there remains the fact that I may have loved something that would never love me in return.

If this friend ever reads this... our friendship will probably forever be screwed, never to recover. I feel sorry that I've written this, even; it's probably the most personal issue that I've ever revealed, bordering on the edge of all that I would never reveal. It borders on wrongness, betrayal, misguidance, idiocy, and fallacy.

I loved something that would never love me in return. I believed in a cause that would never have any effect.

Fuck this.

I regret ever writing this.

If another friend reads this and understands what was said... please don't tell it to that friend I'm referring to. That friend never needs to know what I've written here, because he would find it even worse than I found it, despite the fact that I wrote it.

I still regret ever writing this.

But then I won't look back. It's what I needed to say, what I needed to read for myself. It's what I needed.

This is fucking wrong.

Too fucking wrong.

Read on...

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Fear

I might as well write this down.

My greatest fear in life is being lonely. I fear losing my friends, losing my family members, and basically.. just losing the people around me.

Yeah. I always get this feeling that someday my best friends are gonna stop being my friends.

That's me.

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Smile and act normal...

So. Just came back from a vacation. It was good.

Things are normal. Got a GPA of 3.75 for my first semester in college. Not bad, I suppose. Could've been better, though.

I still have that feeling that I've been talking about. I think I know the source of it now, but... it's not something that I would even write here. It's not something that I can reveal for the world to see. It's too personal. At least now I know the reason for that feeling.

And.. yea. But, despite that odd feeling, I do feel somewhat good. Just an overall feeling of positivity, for no reason other than the fact that I've learned how to appreciate what I do have. I've learned how to let go, I suppose. After all, one can observe something they desire from afar, and yet they would not need to go any nearer. We're just content observing and wishing.

But what I desire is something that I will never get, and I guess that I have to learn to live with it. Just smile and act normal, I suppose.

And, to that anonymous person who commented, thanks. At first I read it and then thought, 'huh?', but right after that I understood what you said. It reminded me of what I should already know.. what I seem to have forgotten. So, thanks.

So, yea. Life is as life always is - complicated, but worth all the damn trouble.

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