Of Expression

There are so many things I want to tell to people. To strangers, to friends, to family, to anyone I will ever meet in my life.

We're always too bothered about watching our words, about whether our words will have a negative impact, about whether our words will bring about an unexpected reaction.

I wish I knew how to shrug that off and tell people everything I wish to tell. I want to learn how to communicate, how to express myself to others so that they may understand me wholly and completely without judging me.

If I could only express myself in such a way that would have no negative consequences, in such a way that would not alienate anyone who suddenly finds that my opinion goes against theirs, in such a way that they could just smile and thank me for trusting them that much. In such a way that they could understand me as I understand myself.

Words are inadequate. Body language, the language of smiles and frowns and touches and movement is inadequate. The relationship you share with the person is inadequate.

I think, even if I sat in a room with someone else and tried to explain myself to them for an entire lifetime, they still would not understand me.

So how do I tell people of all the things I wish I could tell? Of the things I wish I could share? Of life, of myself, of secrets, of hopes and desires and failings and regrets and of things that make me really and truly happy?

How do I make them understand?

Perhaps I will never know. Perhaps, between now and the end of my life, there will be an ocean of things left unsaid, left untold, left unexpressed.

Perhaps there is a language that we have not yet discovered, that I have not yet discovered, a language that would be able to capture all that was, and is, and will be us. A language that you and I will speak, a language that we will all speak.

But until then, I shall be left unexpressed.

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From 'Rent', the musical

There is no future
There is no past
Thank god this moments not the last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will i wake tomorrow
From this nightmare
Theres only now
Theres only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

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On a side note, I love the movie Rent, which is actually a musical. The songs are absolutely amazing :)

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Nuclear Launch Detected

My heart, or rather, feelings and I seem to have an uneasy truce between each other.

I hate feelings sometimes, but I need them to live as a human being, to be a human being.
My heart makes me feel things I'd rather not feel sometimes, but it knows that going too far would be too heavy on it and me.

We get along, every now and then.

But there are times - like now - when it forgets itself, and runs far far ahead with the feelings, not allowing me time to keep up or block it.

I hate it.

I don't want to feel this way.

I'd rather feel sad or angry or depressed or spiteful or something. Or even an aching emptiness. That would do. I'd rather hate or despise or detest or intensely dislike.
I'd rather.. be happy than feel this. This.. stupid combination.

Love and loneliness do NOT mix well.

But hey. Today was a good day, I went to gym and starting working out again, finally. :) And.. yeah. I should be happy and so annoyingly cheerful that people get jealous.

Bah.

*starts arguing with heart*...
*loses miserably -_-*

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Is my life a life if no one is there to notice it?

I feel so extremely lonely right now.

I don't know when or why my life went wrong.

Either that, or I'm terribly clumsy at choosing friends. At choosing the paths in my life. At choosing.

Who is there for me?

Not those of strong faith, because my opinions go against them.
Not family, because I cannot tell them all about myself.
Not friends, because none of them know entirely about me, only parts of me.

Who is left, for one with too many opinions, too many secrets, too many fears?

There is no one to turn to. I cannot turn to God. I cannot turn to people. Nor plants or animals, because they do not understand me, nor do I understand them.

There is a reason why I cannot bring myself to share my story wholly and completely.

There is a reason why I hesitate to be the first to say 'I love you'.

Humans have forgotten how to listen. I have forgotten how to trust.

And it is so lonely, too lonely, in the trustless world of mine.

But I go on, don't I? Ever the great, perfect actor, with the perfect life, the charmed existence where I can cast no shadows either than those I choose to cast.

No one ever knows me as the thinker, the feeler, the one whose walls do nothing to protect the heart within.

Everyone expects so much of me. Thinks so highly of me.

Rich kid Hisham. Smart kid Hisham. Wise kid Hisham. Hisham who can do no wrong, except for those that are shallow and superficial.

So I go on. With this charmed life, blessed existence. But blessings can also be a curse. There are two sides to everything. There is nothing that is wholly good or bad.

Charmed life, lonely life, trustless life.

I wish, so deeply and desperately, that someone would give me a reason to trust again.

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The Socratic Method

A: Let us speak of truth and religion. What is the truth?
B: I would say that truth is what a lot of people believe in, something that many people can learn to appreciate and love at the same time. Something that holds them together. That is the truth.
A: Ah. But different people believe in different things, don't they? Like religion?
B: Well.. yes, I believe so.
A: So does that make all that every single person believes in, true?
B: Based on what I have said, yes.
A: Then there is the problem. How can two opposing things be true? How can two contradictory ideas be true?
B: I do not know...
A: So based on what you say, truth is merely what people believe in, a human convention? It is not the ultimate truth, per se, but only what people choose to be true?
B: I suppose so.
A: And don't people choose to believe that religion is true? Because, as I have established - due to the existence of more than one religion, doesn't it mean that religion is merely a human convention, not a universal truth?
B: It appears to be so.
A: So we are back at square one. Let us try a different approach. Do you think there is an ultimate truth?
B: I do.
A: Assuming that there is an ultimate truth, wouldn't it - once known - be able to unite everyone, and not fragment them? For if it were an ultimate truth, it would be equally appealing to every single person, regardless of their upbringing or culture or personal character?
B: Yes, I agree.
A: Does religion unite every single person alive?
B: No.
A: Ah. But each religion proclaims that it is the ultimate truth. But it cannot unite everyone, cannot appeal to the logic and heart of every single person. So it cannot be the ultimate truth, don't you think so?
B: I suppose...
A: So no religion can be the ultimate truth?
B: It pains me to admit this, but yes.
A: So what is the ultimate truth? What is truth?
B: I don't know. But I still believe in religion.
A: Even despite all that I have said before this?
B: Yes.
A: Why?
B: Because it is easier to believe in something I know. I cannot believe in something I do not know.
A: I see. Even though it might not be true?
B: I cannot ever believe that what I believe in is not true.
A: Ah. Most human beings, save a handful, would be in the same boat as you there.

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Whatever

I don't get this whole.. 'I believe my religion is right and true, but I accept your religion and respect it nonetheless'.

Whatever. Stop pretending.

Why can't it be 'I don't know whether my religion is true or not, but it is what I believe in.'

It shouldn't be about who's right or wrong or true or false. It shouldn't. It's just about what you believe in.

Most of the time, people cannot communicate with someone of opposing beliefs because they operate from the perspective that they are absolutely right and true.

But they are not. It's not 'true' just because they believe in it.

Stop talking from your high pedestal. Get down so we may all talk like normal human beings. Not go all judgmental of each other.

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Help Me

To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-e e cummings

I truly understand that quote now.

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Why should I be punished for something out of my control?
Why should I feel pain over something I didn't choose myself?
Why should I have to try to undo what I didn't do myself?
Why, and why, and why?

There is no answer. No voice, no thought, no whisper in the dark speaking of hope and clarity and truth. No angel, no message of salvation, no glimpse of heaven.

It is unfair. So unfair. Unfair on so many levels, so many ways, in so many moments and places. Unfair before, and now, and always. Forever unfair.

Don't speak to me of justice, of salvation, of there being fairness and goodness, when you don't know what it's like to see none of them.

Tell that to the starving children, the forlorn parents, the everyday people who have to watch as the people around them die, the people who slowly die themselves.

Tell that to those who have to live with decisions they do not make, those who have to live with something out of their control.

Don't speak to me of being thankful of what I have, of who I am, of where I am now, because I am thankful. But I am equally unthankful for what I do not have and of who I am not - but mostly, of who I am not. I am unthankful of the suffering people have to go through, day in, day out, with little or no chance of respite.

I do not want to thankful for what I have, just so that it makes it 'alright' that others are suffering. Is is like turning a blind eye to all that is wrong in the world. 'I am alright. I am thankful. All is right and as is should be in the world.'

And we all know; that isn't true.

Unfair. It is so unfair. One can have great wealth and more, and yet be unhappy with who they are, what they are. Unfair. Being thankful doesn't make the problem go away.

I do realize; I am luckier than most. But that is a stupid excuse for happiness. I will always be luckier than someone else.

I lose one arm, someone else has lost both arms and a leg. I lose one leg, someone else has lost their families, their life and heart and breath and soul. What makes them live; gone.

It is not an excuse for all that is wrong. Never. Things can be improved; just because my life is better than most, doesn't mean that it's fine and shouldn't be improved.

'Oh, I'm luckier than a homeless person; I should be all happy clappy about my life.'

Right.

As if.

I do not know whether there is a God. Perhaps there is.

But, if there is... God, I have message for you.

Stop messing up in creating people. Please.

Do not say something and create something else.

I don't know what game you're playing. You're like a kid, taking the toys out to play, but eventually putting them where they came from. Some with a missing limb or two, some obliterated, some all scratched up, some fine and perfect - but they all return, eventually.

Do not throw a tantrum when you create something, and give it life, and then tell it to go against who and what it is, against all it's natural tendencies. There is nothing worse than a confused living, sentient being.

Because then it has no identity, no known purpose, nothing from which it can derive its desire to go on and live.

and I am confused.

I don't understand, and perhaps never will.

Someone, something, anything.

Help me.

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Zeno of Newcastle, Australia

"Be in the present. It is the only time in which you can do the things that make you alive!" -Zeno of present day

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