Breathe No More

I.. I have this odd feeling that I'm losing it. No, not going crazy. No. Not that. It's just.. losing hold of this slippery thing called life. Losing it. Letting it slip through my fingers.

It's weird, this business of life. Some people hold it in their hands and shield it as if it were worth more than all the skies and oceans. As if... as if they are holding everything they every wanted or needed.

But, life hurts. It isn't all happy and wonderful. It isn't even partly happy or wonderful.

I allowed myself to become vulnerable. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I have torn down the walls around me, allowed myself to believe.

And.. this entire thing is stupid, calling things stupid.. it's stupid.

There's this underlying sense of pain in me, and it never goes away. Aching. Forever and always.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, it haunts me. A perpetual burden on my shoulders, sinking me, drawing me into its insatiable depths. And I hate it. I hate it more than I can ever hate anything, because it is the one burden that I can never reveal. The one burden that I would never share with others... not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

Screw knowledge. Screw experience. Screw them. Having either or both doesn't shield you from certain things. They don't shield you from anything. You can act as if it doesn't affect you, thanks to knowledge and experience, but it does nothing in dulling the pain.

I just need to be me, and that's the one thing in the world that I can't be.

I don't know why recently I've been acting like this. I don't know why I'm losing it. I don't. It just aches. Non-stop. I wake up in the middle of the night, and all I can feel is anger and pain.

I was foolish to pretend that I know everything. I was foolish to pretend that I am supremely comfortable being who I am. I was foolish to act like I had accepted the world and it had accepted me in return.

And, most of all, I'm tired.

Tired of it all.

But I still go on. Why? Because I allowed myself to get vulnerable. Because I care. Because I opened my eyes and never want to close them again. This, I believe, is only a blink. It'll open again.

I will go on with the burden on my shoulders.

I'll go on being foolish, and I'll live because of it.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Yay

Okay.. I feel so much better now.

I've been a good friend, yay yay ^-^ My efforts have not been in vain!

*does a little jig* :)

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

I Surrender...

I just feel.. totally.. out of it today. I don't know.

Apparently, exercise releases endorphins(the body's 'feel good' hormones). And I just finished exercising. But, it's really odd. Instead of feeling good, I suddenly felt like crying. Is that natural? Probably not.

Why do I feel bad? I guess it all points to the cycle that I've sometimes mentioned in my blog(not in any recent posts, though). Once in a while, for no apparent reason, my mood turns sour, and I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there. Thankfully enough, I can label it as a cycle, because soon it'll go away again.

I've probably mentioned it before.. but I might as well write down my theory for why it happens.

I'm supposedly a 'strong' person. Note the word supposedly. I am in a way used to being lonely, used to have my family not really being around all that often. I'm used to not having a special someone to spend my life with. I'm - to a certain extent - used to the responsibilites that come with being somewhat independent. I'm used to not having that many friends, which is why I really look after the ones I do have.

I guess that after awhile, it just gets a bit too much for me. Maybe my body sort of 'accumulates' stress or worries, and at the end of the cycle they all manifest themselves in one go. During this time, my thoughts mostly become negative, wondering if my friends are gonna abandon me, wondering if my family doesn't care about me - which is stupid, because they do care - and wondering if life is really worth it.

Farid, if you're reading this, this answers why I was annoyed at that friend of ours about a relatively small thing. I wasn't exactly in the best of moods... I wasn't angry, but I wasn't exactly totally happy.

Yes yes, Hisham the 'don't waste your life' expert also has his moments. :P

Yeah. It's odd, and exhausting, even if it's only me sitting at home watching TV. I guess that at this time I'm extremely vulnerable, but being alone most of the time does have its perks. No one nosing about your business, no one to interrupt you when you just feel like sleeping. Yes, it does have its better points.

So, that's how it is.

Hm.

Back to life, then.
.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Acting like a man

You know, sometimes I wonder about myself. I can't help but feel different sometimes, as if there's something not quite right with me.

As some of my friends know, I'm not your average guy. Sports and cars and those things don't really appeal to me. Sure, I don't mind watching sports, but I'd rather watch other things. Cars? Cars are nice to look at, but you won't hear me talking 'bout horsepower and torque and rpm and all that.

I would rather read a book, or write a story, or talk about the various things in life with my friends. There are many things I wish I could talk about, most of which are rather abstract and not quite suitable for 'guy-talk'. I have a soft spot for romantic movies. I don't mind watching or reading things related to human emotions, and basically humanity. Oprah is fun to watch, by the way.

Although, I do have my limits, and I don't often watch those kinds of movies. I can appreciate many other things - comedies, action flicks, horror movies... well, basically anything. It's just that unlike some other guys(or, if the media is to be believed, most other guys), I have no qualms about watching movies featuring romance without the comedy.

If someone were to tell me to 'be a man', I'd just tell them that I was born a man. See that extra organ I have between my legs? Yea, that's what makes me a man. There's no such thing as 'acting like a man', because really... those are just the norms of society. I don't have to act a certain way to 'be a man'. I don't have to do certain things to 'be a man'.

And yes, I do like being different.

That's not to say that I purposely try to be different; it's all a matter of staying true to myself. If what I do is supposedly different, then yes, I'm different. If what I do is normal, then yes, I'm normal. It's just me. I don't try to act differently, I don't try to act normally, I just try to act like me.

Also, I'm not insulting my fellow men. I am in no way demeaning whatever they do or say. I'm just saying that if a guy tends to act unusual, it doesn't make him a lesser man. It just makes him... him.

How about gays? Well, at the moment I'd rather not touch that topic. All I'll say about them is that it's their choice. It doesn't really have anything to do with me, does it?

So, guys, talk about your sports and cars and hot women all you want, but don't expect people like me to talk about them. They simply aren't the topics I'd want to talk about. But then, I do abstain from being different sometimes. I do talk about those things - sometimes.

Well... I'd still rather read a book, though. Books are fun. It's my way of dealing with reality.

Yea. So. That's how it is. It's just me.
.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Do Not Read.

Okay, so it feels good to be trusted by friends. It feels good whenever any friend of mine comes to me with their problems. It feels good knowing that they think I'm wise/helpful/useful enough to help them.

But then again, sometimes I just feel like screaming.

I mean, come on. There is value in life. It just.. irks me to no end if people say stuff like 'I wanna cut myself' or 'I wanna commit suicide' or something to that extent. Seriously. On one hand, I feel inclined to say good things, and generally try to ensure that they do not act upon what they've said. I take these things seriously. On the other hand, I feel like killing them myself because of how irresponsible these things are, even if you only say them.

Life is life. Problems happen. Shit happens, all the time. Like I was reminded today... Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And probably the operating system for life is Murphy's Law 1.0, because that is always how it will be. There's no excuse for disregarding the value of your own life. People can sympathize and empathize with people who hurt themselves or commit suicides all they want - often blaming external factors - but sometimes I just want to tell them that in the end, these people make the decisions themselves.

So, people can argue that these people were not given good, viable options. They can argue that these people were not given a chance to realize the value of life. "These people are not to be blamed... it is their life which has led to this." Seriously. Yes, you can blame life and all its problems and all the shit that happens, but at the end of the day, when it's just you and your life and God as you sit on your chair or bed or whatever, it is you who will make the decision whether to end your life or not. The choice is yours.

"I'll cut myself if you do that." Cut yourself all you want, because cutting yourself will NOT help the situation. Call me evil if you so desire - since you must be itching to define the world in black and white, wrong or right - but I believe that these people need to grow up. Look at the tsunami victims. Their houses were destroyed. Their loved ones perished. Did they give up? No. They went on with their lives.

The world doesn't revolve around you. It doesn't. The world will not stop and right itself just for you. So what if people don't always appreciate you. So what if people don't understand you. So freakin what. There are still people who love you, who recognize you, who are always there for you. Always. I personally don't believe that God actually helps us much in life, but if you have to, believe that God is there for you.

At the end of it all, through the pain and insults and abuse or whatever - even if you have to live through them until you're 100 years old - realize that it is YOU who will be walking into heaven. Listen well - as you walk into it, turn around. Look at the people who treated you badly(if necessary, glance into the world of life). Look at them, stick your tongue out at them, wave your middle finger around, tell them 'IN YOUR FACE ASSWIPES', position your butt facing them, and spank it. End it with a dramatic stride into heaven. If God is all-encompassing, He'll surely have a sense of humour. Believe me, you won't lose your spot in heaven for that, because I believe that people who do get into heaven... include people who appreciate the value of life, both their own life and the lives of others.

I just.. argh. I might be harsh or insulting or whatever with my friends, but I just can't stand it when they display self-pity. I just.. argh. I'd jump in front of a bullet for them. I would. I care for each and every one of them, although I don't show it.

Fucking appreciate the life you've been given, asswipes(read:my friends). Don't say things like 'I'll kill myself' or 'I'll avoid people' or 'No one understands me' or 'No one cares for me', because I freakin care. And I do understand. If you're depressed because someone treated you badly or doesn't understand you, don't freakin give a damn, because I'm always there.

Yea I'm freakin pissed.

Shit.

Stupid... argh. I probably didn't make any sense, but oh well..

Goodnight.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Another dash of the same thing...

Okay, here's another post on racism... it's a journal that I wrote for English 101. Yeah. It's somewhat similar to a previous post I made, so.. heh. Here goes:

-----------------

How often do we tell ourselves that racism, discrimination, and cultural intolerance are terrible things? Sometimes, often, or perhaps always? More importantly, do we truly believe in what we say? Are we as innocent of such things as we think? Even I wonder about it, although I have always believed that I am not a racist. This stems from the fact that I am of mixed ancestry – Malay and Chinese. A result of this is that cultural and racial sensitivity come naturally to me, as I myself have seen both sides of the coin. Although most of us are unaware of it, the multiracial culture we live in casts its own shadow. Behind the façade of multiracial unity here in Malaysia, there are still examples of racism, discrimination, and cultural intolerance. We do not even have to look hard to find them, as they are always around us.

The first example of it does not exist in our environment: it exists within us. Our beliefs, thoughts, and memories have always been colored with a touch of discrimination, no matter how much we deny it. Whenever a Malay or Chinese person sees an Indian person in shabby clothes, they might think, ‘that person must be rude and problematic.’ There are certain unfair racial generalizations that we have always known or believed in, although they are usually left unsaid – unsaid to the other races, that is. For example, the Malays are lazy, while the Chinese are greedy and calculative. As unfair as they are, some people do believe in these generalizations. Why, you ask? It is because there is a kernel of truth in everything, myths and lies included. But then again, such racist statements should always be taken with a pinch of salt; if they were always true, it would imply that I am lazy, greedy, and calculative. Before we find fault in others, we must first search within ourselves to realize that the problem might not necessarily be them – it might actually be us.

Another way in which racism, discrimination, and cultural intolerance is displayed is in the way that we use the word ‘tolerance’ as if it is something to be proud of. We have always been too proud of the tolerance between the many races in Malaysia. That raises a question – since when was tolerance the benchmark of a successful multiracial culture? Does it not sound strange when we say that we tolerate each other? It sounds as if we can barely stand each other, but we are civil enough to be quiet about it. For example, when problems involving different races arise in our society, each race is quick to defend its own people. It does not occur only in our government, but perhaps even between neighbors. An old Chinese lady, a retired Malay man, and a middle-aged Indian woman – all neighbors – can go at it just as well as the different political parties in our government can. A definition of the word ‘tolerate’ in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is ‘to put up with’, and we usually put up with things we dislike. Another dictionary (dictionary.com) says that it also means 'to recognize and respect (the rights, beliefs, or practices of others)'. But then again, we can recognize and respect something we hate or dislike – it would take much more to accept and love other races and cultures. Idealistic as it may seem, it is time for us to move from tolerance to love and acceptance.

Another form of discrimination in Malaysia is intra-cultural discrimination. There are Malays who discriminate against other Malays, Chinese who discriminate against other Chinese, Indians who discriminate against other Indians, and so on. In some cases, a Chinese family is judged by the measure of their wealth. A rich family is considered to be a good family, although it is good that a poor family is not always considered to be a bad family. Although it is unfair to say that the Chinese are greedy and calculative, it would not be wholly untrue to say that they place wealth and prosperity quite high on their list of things to achieve in life. They are sometimes quite generous with their wealth, too. Another example is that fair-skinned Malays are considered to be better than dark-skinned Malays. Also, the upper class of Malays sometimes consider themselves to be better and more civilized than their rural counterparts. This also applies to Indians. A trait that all of the races share – at least among the more traditional families – is that the elders of each family will always try to ensure that the younger members of their family marry a person of the same race who is also from a good, solid background. Some families might still be thought of as ‘bad’ by these elders, although they are of the same race.

It is clear that the Malaysian attitude needs to be worked on, for it is in our nature to believe in certain racist sentiments, even if the voice of reason opposes them. As much as we might want to believe in our multiracial harmony and unity, there are still many problems that need to be addressed. I cannot offer solutions to solve these problems, because they deal with thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and other abstract things that we can hardly control. I do not believe that I have the intelligence or wisdom to do so. But I will say this - I do know that it will take perhaps one, or two, or even more generations to change the very way we think, feel, and believe. It is not as easy as cooking up a big, well-funded, and flashy campaign that will change our minds only for a day or two. No. It is a slow, passive, and silent change, but it will be the most monumental change of all. It is said that a constant flow of water can reshape even the hardest rocks. I believe that our minds are as formidable as the greatest of mountains. But then again, have we not conquered mountains before?

Read on...

Hide expanded post.