Yay and a half

Things are fine at the moment, I suppose. They're better, at the very least?

I feel good at the moment. :)

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....

Okay.

Here's the deal.

You've been having your all-important examinations over a period of one month. At the end of it, you're supposed to feel excited, happy, and relieved right?

Wrong... well, if you're me, anyway.

Yea, I do feel relieved. But.. happy? Excited? Not really. I came home.. feeling contented and mostly relieved. With a feeling of accomplishment, too, because I truly worked my butt off - and more - for my exams. And then... I return to an empty house. When I got home, I realized how much I miss my family. My mom, who's away on a business trip right now, isn't home. My father, who works in Indonesia, isn't home. My brother's studying in the US. So.. I return to an empty house, with me, myself, and I to celebrate. I called both my mom and my dad, and they were both in meetings...

Under most circumstances... teenagers would be extremely happy if they were in my situation. The problem is.. I'm not like that. I do value relationships. I value company. I appreciate the people around me. It's.. tough, being 'in control' and 'handling' my life. Responsibilities are just.. piling up. It's hard enough that my dad accepted the position in Indonesia, and then my brother left. My mom.. isn't really helping, either.

She keeps asking for my help(which means I have to do it, so it's not really 'helping') in doing so many things. I have to pay bills. I have to look after the house. I have to clean my room and the bathroom, and move into my brother's room because relatives are coming to stay in my room(which is bigger). And then, I have to go to the dentist. I want to have bracers, so I have to go and set up the appointment myself, and go and discuss everything so I can report to my parents. Most of the time, I have dinner by myself. On weekends, I help my mom at the supermarket, which consists of me pushing the cart, helping to pick out stuff, and carrying the bags afterwards.

What else?

I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, I don't go out late at night, I don't go clubbing, I don't go to parties, I have good, responsible friends, my grades are good, I study for exams, I rarely go against my parents... and so on.

And the problem?

Despite everything that I've done.... my parents can't appreciate me.

They.. take it for granted that I'm the nice one, the one who hasn't really fought them before. They take it for granted that I'm the one who can be trusted, the one who takes care of responsibilities. They just give me more and more responsibilities, and... it's hard, not receiving appreciation. It's... hard. For... years.. I've done everything that they've wanted me to do. I may not be perfect, but I sure as hell come close to it.

And.. I don't know. It just makes me wanna sink into a hole and die, but... at the same time, it just.. angers me.

I'm.. worried about what I can do right now. For years I've acted as a sponge, just... never really fighting back. For years my mom and brother have scolded me, yelled at me, said mean comments. For years I've felt the silent disapproval of my father, who I know silently wished that I was more religious and more athletic. For years... I have taken it, and I've never lashed back at them. And.. now, after all this time, I feel my control slipping.

Now.. I'm prone to mood swings. One moment I'd be fine.. the next, I'd be thinking about all of those things and I just feel like... lashing out. Maybe.. that's why words that inspire freedom, and releasing our inhibitions.... just... strike a chord in me. For years.. I've just wanted to look them in the eye and tell them that I have feelings. I'm human. Just because I've tolerated it for years doesn't mean that I won't snap one day. Anyone can break. Anyone, no matter how strong they are. After all, how strong are we without the support of our family?

I'm just.. tired. My parents probably think that I'm easily appeased, because I am somewhat materialistic. But... I'm not an airhead. I think, feel, experience... I do everything that makes us human, and more. I'm tired of just accepting things, of being so tolerant with my parents. I'm tired of my mom's stingy ways, I'm tired of my father's absence. I love to read, but my mom dislikes giving me money to buy books. At the same time, she wants me to study hard and be successful. While.. my dad... I'm not quite sure at the moment. Recently.. I've tried to talk to him a bit more. I've seriously tried. Before this.. I always felt like there was an emotional wall between us. I know he's my father, but... I don't know. I think... now, he's coming to the realization that he and my mom haven't been vocal enough about their supportiveness. He's realized that.. I don't feel like they've supported me in everything I've ever done.

And that's true. I don't feel like they're supportive. I seriously.. don't. My mom, especially. She... she's constantly scolding me... giving me more responsibilities... puts me down when I'm optimistic and hopeful... scolds me when I'm feeling pessimistic. It's hard, living with her. I used to get scolded for crying when I was upset. As if it was wrong for me to have emotions, wrong for me to get upset at their words, instead of just accepting them nicely. My father keeps saying... that she has her good qualities.. although she doesn't really show them. Well, I wish she would. I feel like a failure in the eyes of my parents. I know that they do say that they'll support me no matter what I do... but.. it's just them saying it. I can feel their disapproval, their unwillingness to let me do what I want to do. What I'm happy doing. God.. my father even sounds reluctant whenever he says that my mom and him will support me no matter what I do. That hurts, more than anything else. God knows.. I've tried, tried to be better, tried to just... have them accept my decisions. But... still, I know that somewhere inside them they think of me as a failure.

In a way, I wish that somehow my parents would read this and know how I feel. It's... deeply personal for me, but I do wish that somehow they'd stumble upon this and realize how I feel. I don't know. It sure beats having to tell them face to face. And... yea. If I did tell them face to face, I'd probably be too upset to speak coherently, so they'd probably just think of it as some rebellious phase or something. They wouldn't take me seriously. It's... wrong, how they give me so many responsibilities but still don't trust me enough to take me seriously.

And here's another reason why my parents are so lucky. Throughout all this, never once have I considered suicide. Never. I'd never throw my life away. I just want to live it. Suicide is something that I would never, ever do. A teenager mature enough to realize the importance of life. Weird, isn't it?

Some people think I have a perfect life. Money. Brains. Personality. Some people think of me as a stuck up pompous ass. But yea, this is the truth behind the mask. This is.. me. What's the use of having money... or brains.. or personality.. or all of it, if you come home to an empty house, with no one to be with.

And right now.. I hate 'me'. I'll probably feel a bit better tomorrow.. but, even then, and the days after, there will always be that silent undercurrent of hurt and grief. People don't really know me. They don't know me for who I really am.

Yea... this is me. All of me.

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Freedom's just another word...

FREEDOM!...

Although... it doesn't feel so good at the moment. Why? I'll tell.. later.

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One More Day

1 day to go... Biology... BRING IT ON!!!!

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