I just watched American History X...
It's an amazing movie. Simply.. whoah. So what if they use crude language and lots of violence. It doesn't matter. What matters is what the movie says. What matters is what the movie shows. What matters is what it tells us. And it says, shows, and tells us things that we should already know.. but seem to have forgotten.
I don't know. It's.. just one of those movies. The ones that make you feel a whole range of emotions from the beginning until the ending. I felt disturbed, sad, happy, amused, disgusted, proud, and so on as I watched the movie. Now that's what a movie should do.
If you haven't watched it yet.. you should watch it. Really.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
American History X
Monday, March 28, 2005
Conquering mountains.
For some unusual reason, I've heard the word 'racism' a lot lately. It's mostly in my English class, but then again, it happens elsewhere too. Of course, because of it, I have something to say.
How often do we tell ourselves 'I am not racist'? Never? Sometimes? Often? Always? I'm sure you've told that to yourself at least once in your life. I have always believed that I am not racist. This stems from the fact that I am of dual bloodlines - Chinese and Malay. A result of my mixed parentage is that I'm more aware of racial issues between different races. I'm certainly not omniscient in such matters, but at least there's a bit more sensitivity in me.
Seriously, though, I confess that no matter how many times I tell myself that I am not racist, or how fervently I believe it whenever I say so, there will always be that little, evil, and judgmental voice of racism - and sometimes, classism - in me.
Our instincts or unconscious thoughts operate faster than my conscious mind does. Whenever I see someone who wears shabby clothes, or something like that, my mind makes a judgement. 'Sheesh. Look at the way that person is dressed'. It happens in the blink of an eye, or sometimes, even faster.
Only then does my conscious mind kick in, berating the unconscious decision, beating it back into the depths of my mind, and locking it in there before throwing the key out a window. I'd then think 'No, I shouldn't judge a person like that. It's wrong and unfair'. The voice of reason, although reasonable, is never punctual.
I wonder, why are humans naturally racist, or classist, or whatever? Why is it so deeply ingrained in our minds that even educated people find it hard to completely stop judgmental behavior? Not that I'm 'educated', mind you, but at least I'm aware of this problem. Is it just like survival, where it is in our nature to survive? Is it in our nature to equate 'different' with 'bad'?
I don't know. I simply do not know at all.
In Malaysia, we celebrate racial diversity and tolerance. For all our proud and illustrious celebrations, we really don't have much to be proud of. I believe that the Government has tried its best to overcome racial problems, but there are always a few bad apples - with the best of intentions - who tend to contribute to these problems. It is not the Government's fault that these problems do exist. Again, it is very hard to change the nature of a person.
Our country is always promoted as a unified, multiracial country. We boast of the tolerance between races. That makes me wonder - when did 'tolerance' become the benchmark? Does it not sound strange, when we say 'we tolerate each other'. It sounds as if we can barely stand each other, but we're civil enough to be quiet about it. Although the dictionary(dictionary.com) does show that a meaning of 'tolerate' is 'to recognize and respect (the rights, beliefs, or practices of others)', it simply does not emphasize the unity between different races.
We can recognize something we hate. We can respect someone - or something - we hate. Does it not mean that we might actually dislike - or in some cases, hate - other races? Perhaps.
Again, I do not fault our government - or any other government in the world, for that matter. We, the people, only have ourselves to blame. Here, it is usual to hear something like 'the Malays are lazy, the Chinese are greedy and calculative, the Indians cause problems', and so on. I not believe in that, for I am not lazy, greedy, and calculative, despite me being both Malay and Chinese. Although some of us take such racist statements with a pinch of salt, others might be more inclined to... well, incline their heads in nods of agreement.
But, just to add a little bit of positivity in here, I'm confident that times are changing. Racism is still around, for sure, but it is(in my opinion) slowly fading away. Well, at least it's not as pronounced as it used to be. Perhaps it is partly due to the changing mindset of our newer generations. Perhaps the efforts being taken to overcome racism(or even classism) are actually starting to work. Again, I don't know. As for us Malaysians... well, overall, we're good. Sometimes we tend to overlook problems, but all in all, we're pretty good at this 'racial unity' thing. ;)
Maybe, over time, as we start to cherish and celebrate our differences, new ideas and beliefs are starting to take root deep in our minds. Perhaps these new roots are starting to choke the old roots of deeply ingrained racism and ethnocentrism. After all, we humans have always evolved. It is all we have ever done: to survive, to adapt, and to live on. And we simply cannot survive if all we do is fight each other.
I do not - or rather, cannot - offer any solutions to problems such as racism, ethnocentrism, and so on. I do not believe that I have the intelligence or wisdom to do so. But I will say this - I do know that it will take perhaps one, or two, or even more generations. It is not as easy as cooking up a big, well-funded, and flashy campaign that will change our minds only for a day or two. No. It is a slow, passive, and silent change, but it will the most monumental change of all. A constant flow of water can reshape even the most formidable of rocks.
I believe that our minds are even more formidable than the greatest of mountains.
But then again, have we not conquered mountains before?
Monday, March 21, 2005
Mwaha!
| English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 94% Expert! |
| You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
|
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid |
Whoohoo! Kinda. After checking the 'expert' section of the test, I discovered that... I should've scored 100% there :( One of the questions has 'irrelevant', 'impertinent', 'either a or b', and 'neither a or b' as a, b, c, and d... and I answered 'either a or b' because impertinent and irrelevant are synonyms. Apparently that isn't the case, as the answer provided is 'irrelevant'. Pun intended.
Anyway.. yea. It's a pretty good score :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Yup.
I have no idea why I'm writing this post when I don't really have anything to say.
Heh.
....yea.
Life is okay. Problems still linger, but that's a common feature in life. I'm tired, though, in more ways than one.
Here are few lines from a song to tide you over, since I don't have anything better to say:
What do you see when you look inside your heart
A little thought can walk a thousand miles
And change your life when dreams lead the way
The impossible is suddenly in sight
Every step you take just brings it all together
You’ve got to keep the faith when all seems lost forever
Thursday, March 10, 2005
What a Wonderful World
8 A's and 2 B's. Not bad, huh?
Honestly, I was slightly disappointed with my results. Although I hadn't really expected more, it still hurts when you're right. Sometimes we know what will happen, but the knowledge of it will never be able to dull the disappointment - or elation, depending on the situation - when our predictions come true. Mine came true. It didn't dull anything. Despite that, I still felt good. Why, you ask?
Well, a promise is a promise.
I got my results, and I smiled. I'm not talking about a physical smile. I didn't plaster a smile on my face; anyone can do that. Deep inside myself, I smiled. The way I see it, all a person really needs in life is to be happy with himself(not to mention good food, money, friends, and.. er.. I better stop here).
So what happens now? Life goes on. I'll move on. Everything's happening, here and there and everywhere, and I don't intend on being left behind. The world doesn't stop for anyone or anything, especially not me.
Oh, and although some of my friends didn't do that well, I still hold them in high regard. For those of you who did well, congratulations. For those of you who did not do so well... I still say congratulations, because you are no less special in my eyes. Even if it's 1 A, or 2 A's, or 3 or 4 or 5 A's, it doesn't change a thing. You are still special for who you are. Go out. Enjoy. Live life as if you had not stumbled. Have pride in yourself. Even if you are not happy with yourself, I have happiness enough for all of us. Congratulations to all of you.
You know what? I feel great. I have a quiz tomorrow, work to do, and so on, but I still feel great. It is definitely a good feeling. The world is a wonderful place today. I feel as if rabbits and flowers and sprinkles and stuff will suddenly appear in my room, because I just feel so darn good.
To sum it all up, here's 'What a Wonderful World'... a perfect song to explain how I feel at the moment. Have a brilliant day. ;)
I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom for me and you,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark say good night,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by,
I see friends shaking hands, saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, "I love you."
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Oh yeah
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Note to self: Smile
Ah, so my exam results will be out tomorrow.
Wonderful.
For some odd reason, I'm calm about it. No jumping around, no bouncing off walls, nothing. I'm just sitting here, emptying my thoughts into a lonely blog.
I'm terrified, though. Calm, but terrified.
I'm going to live with what I said; life is a series of lessons. Tomorrow, a new lesson shall be learned. I'll be watching and listening closely. It's my sincere hope that tomorrow won't be a time I shall regret.
Whatever happens, I'll smile and move on. It's a promise I've made to myself; I'm not sure if it's a promise I'll adhere to, but it's a promise nonetheless.
I wish all the best to all my friends out there, also.. all the best to myself. Oh, and let's not forget everyone else in the world. To my friends; I know you'll do great. Even if it's one or two or three A's, it doesn't matter. To me, whatever you get, I'll still know that you did great. To me, you're still special. Smile... smile and laugh for all you're worth. Enjoy everything that you have in life. Don't let life get you down, as it's wont to do.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world...
Ah, I guess I should make a move now. Great time for a walk down memory lane, don't you think? So, with a flourish of my imaginary quill, and a wistful smile, goodnight, good luck, and good wishes upon you.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Oh, and what a difference it made.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Measure of a Man
Okay; I wrote this a few days after Valentine's Day. Just some unusual thought I had. I'm sure there are errors here and there, but I hope they're minor enough that they can be overlooked. Here goes.
-------------------------
There it is again. The smile. I know it's there, just waiting to come out. Some people are simply too easy to read, especially those who are hopelessly smitten. His eyes, unfocused and dreamy, gaze at random objects; he notices nothing, though. Well, nothing but the girl in his mind. Her honest smile, her shining eyes, the hair falling around her face, and perhaps he even imagines her in his arms. Ah, there it is. He smiles. I say a random comment about his daydreaming, again, and we speak a bit, before he goes on another flight of fancy. I smile to myself, amused, but happy. Secretly, I wished that I could find a girl that I could love the same way.
As I sat there, my mind wandered freely before wondering a single thing. I wondered what was the measure of a man. Of course, such a thought would surface now, as we're only days past Valentine's Day. It was once only a day of love. Now, it was a day of love and heartfelt gifts and expensive dinners. Heartfelt, of course, meant that they were expensive enough for the hearts of men to experience an odd, unpleasant feeling as they parted with their money. Gone were the days when women swooned as poetry was recited, often with them on a balcony above and the men standing outside, on dirt or pavement or grass. A sky dusted with stars often completed such events. A modern day scene would involve a man reciting the amount of money in his bank acount, more likely. This was the day when women were especially special while men proved their mettle. Bank accounts - or rather the men who had them - suffered. Wallets grew thin; the thinner they were, the happier the women.
I thought, 'is it worth doing?' Often, we hear women grumble when men ignore such days. Cheap gifts, to them, meant cheap men, and they would then be forced to leave as the men were obviously not in love with them. Why is it so? What, oh what indeed, is the measure of a man? How do we know if our significant other loves us? Does a man who doesn't give his girlfriend a gift on Valentine's Day not love her? What if he, on some random day - for example, on the 27th of March - decides to show how much he loves her, and she becomes a queen for a day? It doesn't mean that he loves her less. Love is love, no matter how or when it's shown. It isn't a one day thing. Valentine's Day is just a day, and there are 365 days in a year. 365 different days for a person to show how much they love someone. On leap years, they get an extra day.
So, in this case, how should a woman judge a man? Is it by the gifts he gives, or the clothes he wears, or how he says the right things at all the right times? In all honesty, I don't believe so. A man in love might not be able to say all the right things when he's needed to. He might remain silent, then say something, be it right or wrong. Then he'd smile, and hold her hands in his. He might look into her eyes, and say, "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I'll be there for you no matter what." He'd learn how to sit quietly. He'd learn the value of silence, and realize that not all situations required things to be spoken. Sometimes, saying nothing would be saying the right thing. He might hold her hand in his, and stroke it gently with his thumb, lending as much comfort as he could by simply being there. Love and comfort freely given, not forced into words and sentences.
How about gifts, though? Do they not matter? Yes, they do, but in another way. The greatest gift is of course trust. Trusting a person with your hopes, dreams, ambitions, secrets, and fears is the greatest gift that could be freely given to your loved ones. You are basically offering them your heart, and it is up to them to care for it or break it. Forgiveness is also a form of trust, as it means that you trust the person enough that you would open your heart to them again. Not that material gifts shouldn't be given; it's just that they shouldn't be as important as trust. In fact, objects of beauty are very important in this day and age, but what should be taken into in consideration isn't its price, but the reason and motivation behind it.
There he goes, smiling again. I laugh softly. I must admit, it's very amusing. I have no better entertainment than to watch lovesick friends smiling their special smiles, the ones born out of dreams and flights of fancy. At least he chose a good person to daydream about. I, on the other hand, still haven't found my girl to dream about. As I sat there, done with my wondering as my friend's mind still wandered, I came to learn something; men shouldn't be judged by silly things as great displays or heartfelt(the original meaning, mind you) declarations of love. A man should instead be judged by the the little and simple things done for his loved one. The comforting touch of his hand. A smile on his face as he thinks of her. A simple deed such as cleaning or cooking done because he knew how tired she was. Sharing his deepest secrets with her - bits of his heart and soul. Letting her be as free as she wants to be - trusting her with freedom - knowing that she would return. To me, these are the things worth doing, the actions from which a man is to be measured.
The smile appears again. I shake my head, still amused, mentioning how hopeless he's being at that moment. He looks at me, still smiling, knowing that I know what he's thinking, and he makes some random noise. If only that girl could see him smile that way; she, it seems, is a very, very lucky girl.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
The little story of me.
So.
I have many things to say today.
Let's just say that for some reason, one of my lecturers decided that today would be a good day to be bitchy(to me). Just because of one question I asked, a chain reaction happened. Consequently, throughout the class, I was called rude and self-centered. It was somehow arbitrarily decided(by her) that I would not survive in the real world, needed to learn how to be patient(I was very patient with how bitchy she was with me), that I was not a good person in general, and that whatever she says, she says it because it's true and that it's important.
Of course, right after the class, I proceeded to curse her and her ancestors all the way up(or down) to 500 A.D., which might have included my ancestors too. I liberally used the words 'bitch', 'fuck', 'fucking', and 'bitchy' in most of my sentences. If I had really been rude in that one question I asked - which wasn't rude - then I might not have been so angry. I was truly pissed. In my head I had already created 100 little dolls of my lecturer and had tortured them - ala voodoo - in a 100 different ways.
After all the bitching was said and mentally done, things changed. I sat down and realized that there was no real reason for me to be so pissed. I still felt wronged, because what she did was obviously wrong. But then I had no reason to be so angry. Whenever I get angry, my vocabulary is reduced to words such as... well, I'd rather not repeat them again, so please recall the words I used in the previous paragraph. Anyway, yea. I don't always get angry, but when I do, I get extremely angry. Okay, back to what I was saying.
So what if she was bitchy. I should've realized that 'hey, maybe she's always like that'. Maybe it happens again and again in every semester to many other (innocent) students. I shouldn't justify losing control of my temper by such a thing. I always thought that I was a bit more thick-skinned, capable of ignoring insults if I knew they had no true basis. And she didn't have a good basis. I'm dreadfully vulnerable to anything my friends say about me, but I can still ignore them if I know what they say isn't true.
So, why was I so angry this time? Honestly, I don't know. It was wrong, but not wronger(yes, this is a legitimate word) than things I've been able to brush off before this. I didn't realize that she was just being her, in her own weird way. Upon further investigation, I found out that she has done the same thing to many other students. It was one of things where we think 'Oh, she's doing it again. Oh well.' I don't think that such things in the world should be condoned - or even tolerated - but there are times when our hands are tied.
Let's face it. I'm a teenager. Like it or not, it doesn't matter how mature or rational I am. No matter how I can argue certain issues with the people in charge, it would take a miracle that would be eye-popping even to the prophets of old for me to be able to convince 'adults' that I can be right. It's hard to argue against the nature of a person. It's hard to argue against decades of so-called experience, decades of 'learning' and 'living' and 'wisdom'. Too hard.
What I do know is that a person may have lived for days and months and years and decades, but it doesn't mean that the person learned the lessons that needed learning. Anyone can live for decades. It is in our nature as humans to eat, drink, sleep, and live. But not everyone can learn the lessons in life. Just like when we get advice; we either hear it or listen to it.
And I have listened. I listen not because I am expected to, and not because I have been forced to listen. I listen because I choose to do so. Just because I don't agree with what the lecturer said, it doesn't mean that I didn't listen. I listened, and learned that it was wrong. Isn't life a series of lessons, a series of things new and old, familiar and unfamiliar? Sometimes there is value in listening to people who say bad things, because we may then learn of the wrongness of what they say. There is a kernel of truth in everything that is spoken or written or done, even if that little bit of truth is not in support of those things.
Let it not be said that because we are young, we are foolish. Let it not be said that we are so easily swayed by the world around us, in newspapers and televisions and radios and the environment. I can't speak for the other youths of the world, but I will say that yes, I do watch and listen to all these things around me. And I learn the hidden lessons. I look for the hidden stashes of truth in such things, for everything is potentially a life-changing experience.
That is how I am inspired. Inspiration is all around me, in words and images and people. In beginnings and endings and the life in between.
And that, my friends, is why I am the person I am today.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Random thoughts
So, the sun shines after all.
I guess it's time for me to take a step back, to see where my life is really going. Too often have I observed the life of others, but I feel that now's the time for me to look at my own life.
I quit my job. It was a good experience, of course, but I had the impression that I wasn't really wanted. The pay was terrible, but that isn't the point. I just... felt that it was the right time to leave. College work is piling up - strangely enough - since I didn't really expect many assignments.
So, do I really know what I want to do with life? Not entirely. I know I want to write a book. I want to communicate with people, to learn new and different things. I want to be inspired, and to inspire in return. I want to have my friends around me. I want... I want too many things.
I'm grateful, though. Grateful for everything that I have. I'm grateful for my friends, for the things I have, for my family staying together no matter how far we're apart, for the talents I have. Everything.
I now realize that what I need to do now is... to take a breather, and to just explore myself a bit more. That is why after this semester(which will only end 2 months from now) I want to go on a vacation. Again. Preferably with my friends.
There are so many things I still need to learn. I need to learn how to just... sit, and enjoy the moment. I need to learn how to seize the moment, how to move forward at my own pace. I need to learn the meaning of life. I need... again, I need too many things.
And.. my friends... well, I'm grateful for every single day that I've known them. I know that I can be harsh sometimes, and the truth often hurts, but there isn't a single day when I'm not grateful for my friends. At the end of the day, all I want is to look out for them, to make sure that their lives are as special as possible. I don't exactly have a best friend, someone who's on the exact wavelength as me, but... I'm happy with the friends I have. I'll write more about my friends in another entry...
I know this entry seems disjointed and unpolished, but so are my thoughts at the moment. I just.. suddenly had the urge to write this.
And I'm terribly glad that I did.
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