Ergh - twice

Hehe, here I am ranting away again. Another set of jumbled thoughts just waiting to be unleashed upon my unsuspecting blog. Again.

Okay, I definitely know what I fear most in life. Not ghosts, snakes, darkness, spiders, or anything like that.

What I fear most... is.. well, how do I put it into words?

I fear not living life. I fear living an unhappy life. I fear wasting my life. I fear not being truly happy with my life.

I fear life itself, although all I've wanted to do my entire life... is embrace it.

I don't know why I've been on such an emotional roller coaster the last few days. I'd be laughing one moment, brooding the next(I was about to say crying, though) and well.. I've been doing so much thinking. I've watched a few movies that have really thrown me off balance. Movies with lessons in them. Movies that I want to watch over and over again so I'd never forget the messages conveyed.

I'm on the brink of yet another leg of the journey that is my life. I seriously don't know what to do, what to think, what to believe. Did I miss something? Did I trip over a stone before falling down - face first - into a rough rocky surface, and tumbled right back down to the tumultuous phase of adolescence? Seriously.

Give me a break here!! *shakes fist at the sky, aimed at a certain solo God up there*

Why can't life be simpler? Well, not as simple as eat, feed young, protect young, hibernate, etc etc, but... simpler than what it is now.

To me, the most apt description of my views on life right now would be:

!$*(@#%@*%&*!@#$!@($*#@(@#!!!!

I can either do medicine, or English. I don't want to do medicine because... despite its obvious rewards, it's almost a no-life. I am a caring person by nature, but I do not want to live almost the rest of my life being stuck in a hospital day after day. I do not want to live like that. I want to live freely, with responsibilities and duties, but still enough time to enjoy life. I don't want to be rich but would never be able to enjoy other things. I want to have time to read, to learn new things, to discover, to live. I want to LIVE, damn it!

Right now I am heavily leaning towards English.. not medicine. My parents have other ideas though. My dad's current decision is for me to TRY medicine first, or at least try A-levels, before deciding what I would do permanently. The funny thing is that if I told them I was still torn between medicine and English, but I was leaning towards medicine, they would never even suggest that I try English first.

Well, right now I still have to focus on my exams. I can't exactly do much without good results, can I?

*sigh*

I'll continue some other time.

Read on...

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