I...

...so totally screwed up for my Terrorism exam today.

p.s.: bounced back by buying three new books to read.

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Stranded

So today Nico and I were stranded when buying groceries at the supermarket.

Since it's kinda far from our place, I asked my brother to send us there and pick us up afterwards.

But after our shopping cart was almost full, he called to tell us that his car broke down or something, and it wouldn't start. So we had to take the bus home. Faye called later on to say she could ask her friend if she would pick us up, and the friend apparently said she could, but she had a fractured leg so my brother and Faye didn't feel nice about getting her to come pick us up.



So Nico and I had to take the bus. We each carried 4-5 plastic bags, and neither of us brought gloves. It wasn't too cold, but it was REALLY windy so our hands were getting numb and painful from the wind + carrying the stuff. One of Nico's hands was also kinda sore from bowling last night, so we had to stop every now and then for him to adjust the bags.

We had to walk for several minutes to the nearest bus stop, which luckily for us wasn't too far. We were SO thankful that we put back all the super heavy items like our bottles of milk. If we had to carry super heavy stuff in the super windy weather, our hands would've fallen off or something.



In the end we got home safely. It wasn't too bad, it was just really really cold due to the wind.

Not much of an exciting story, but it's the most exciting thing that happened today, so yea :P

On the bright side, we now know how to go buy groceries without depending on my brother.

Go us!

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Happy Clappy News! :D ...

...I am so extremely tired and sleepy.

I am also unusually desperate to finish reading three books in preparation for my Terrorism: Violence in the Modern World exam on MONDAY.

I'm only halfway through the first book. Go me!

I really, really, really really really need a break so much right now.

Try reading stuff like this while having a headache:
That the deprecating attitude of a mass movement toward the present seconds the inclinations of the frustration is obvious. What surprises one, when listening to the frustrated as they decry the present and all its works, is the enormous joy they derive from doing so. Such delight cannot come from the mere venting of a grievance. There must be something more - and there is. By expatiating (WTF?) upon the incurable baseness and vileness of the times, the frustrated soften their feeling of failure and isolation.
- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer.

I can understand most of it, but sometimes I have to reread a sentence because I wasn't paying full attention to it while I was reading. It's easy to lose focus when reading passages like that.

This sucks so much and so hard :(

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1st Writing Workshop

So today was the writing workshop for the first short story that I wrote for Creative Writing class. A writing workshop is where everyone basically sits in a circle and discusses the strengths and faults of the story - mainly the faults - and how to improve it, while the author sits quietly and listens.

Sounds fun, right?

In a nutshell, I would say it went as well as it could have.

I mean, although they had quite a number of flaws to point out, they also had several good things to say. I didn't feel too surprised or outraged by the faults they pointed out because I was already aware of these faults even beforehand, at least to a certain degree.

Some of these faults/suggestions are:
1) it's more of an essay than a short story.
2) too much telling, not enough showing; more action, less thoughts
3) more characterization and background history needed
4) more dialog needed, less inner monologue
5) too passive
6) some parts shined, while others were too monotonous
7) be more specific
8) not enough tension
9) more of the relationships between characters
10)longer climax scene

But despite that, quite a number of them said that they loved the story; it might just have to do with being polite, but I'm quite sure that hardly anyone said the same thing about the two other short stories by other students that were discussed in the last two classes before today. It does seem like a long list of faults and suggestions(and I didn't even include all the ones I'd written down), but I don't think I was discouraged because it was the same even with the other two stories.

The people are there to comment on how it can be improved, and not how they loved it and so on and so forth. The focus is on the problems, and how you can overcome them. We know to expect negative comments about various elements in the story, that's just how it is.

So yeah. It went well enough.

Now I just need to figure out what to write for my second story.

I really have no idea what to write for that. My main problem with writing is the creation of names and a story. Writing-wise I'm fine. I'm just horrible with creating a good plot and good characters.

At least I have around a month to come up with my next story; it gives me ample time to figure out what I want to do, and how I'm going to go about doing it.

I don't want to do a silly love triangle story though. Or anything that seems high school-ish. I want to write something deeper and more heartfelt, something that people can relate to. Love may be a strong emotion, but I don't believe that it is the only theme that can bind people together. There are other emotions too, other stories that are worth telling.

I guess I just have to find one of these stories and start writing. Because the greatest problem with this assignment is that if you write it at the last minute - like I did - you WILL find that there are changes you want to make AFTER you've submitted your story.

There were so many changes I wanted to make after submitting my first story. If I'd written it earlier, I could've refined and edited it several times even before my writing workshop. Maybe I could've avoided some of the problems mentioned if I had more time to evaluate my own work and edit it.

It's too late now, but at least it's not too late for my second story.

Hope I get an idea soon. :(

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Academic Progess = Round 1

So far, I've been doing pretty good academically. :D

1st exams:
Family Comm. = 95%
Child/Adolescent Psych = 95%
Terrorism = N/A
Other two = No tests

Quizzes:
1st Terrorism quiz = 81% (GAH D:.. but it's only 3.33% of the final grade, luckily)
1st-4th Family Comm quizzes = 10/10 each
5th Family Comm quiz = 8/10 (GAH D:)

Not too bad, I suppose. I seriously hope I can keep it up. Really worried about assignments and projects, I assume they take stuff like references, format etc more seriously here than at home. Which sucks.

And I just submitted/handed out my first short story for creative writing class today. I'm absolutely terrified, hope they don't rip into my work too badly during the writing workshop next week. The first girl had her workshop today, so we were all more or less just ripping into her work and offering constructive criticism O:). So it's my turn on Thursday next week.

Gah. D:

But yea. That's all for now :D

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The Randomizer

In accordance to my random goals and ideals, here are some pictures of no actual significance, but that I felt I needed to share to spread my random agenda.

My laptop! It's a Gateway, some American brand that I'd never heard of before I came here. Specs are not bad though, 1.86 GHz, 1.87 Gig RAM, around 150 gigs of space. I think it overheats sometimes though, which makes it reboot/freeze/crash :( It gets kinda warm in my room.



My LG Chocolate! Please ignore the peeling edge on the bottom left part, it's the anti-scratch screen protector.. :P Pretty nice, huh?



LG Chocolate all lit up. Beautiful :')



Missoula on a cold and misty day. When the weather is clear, you're supposed to be able to see buildings and mountains/hills on the other side of the space...



And again.



What I use as a bedside table, it's actually a small (Book?)shelf. It's kinda messy, but that's just me.



Random mess in the room. :D Almost like home.



My closet!... okay there are supposed to be clothes in that laundry basket, but I haven't gotten around to putting all my clean clothes that I will be wearing exclusively at home(so I won't bother to hang them up) into the basket, right now they just sit in one piece of luggage. Hehe.



Now help me out here people. WHAT IS THAT? I'm still trying to figure it out. Is it a pad for guys? It's not a groin protector or anything, it looks kinda squishy so it wouldn't do much if someone, say, kneed you. It doesn't look like adult men diapers either. Wtf is thaaaat someone tell me please :( For frontal leakage? Some kind of leakage? To prevent stains on underwear? Wtf please tell me :( Sorry for the cacat quality, it's one of my random phone pics.

UPDATE: I have been informed that it is for people with urinary incontinence(peeing in pants). THANK YOU PEOPLE.

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Home is more than just a place

I'm starting to miss home.

I think I've been coping well up to now, but I really miss home now. Not in a depressing way, but rather in the sense that leaving home created a vacuum in me, and this new place - not a home yet - hasn't filled it yet.

It's not just about the people. It's not just about the food. It's not even about the place itself. It's so much more of that, a wealth of experiences, memories, and feelings. That's what I miss. I miss the short lifetime I had there.

It's hard to explain. What do I really miss? I could list stuff like milo ais, or char kuay teow, or friends, or family or anything to that extent. It would be adequate, but wouldn't accurately describe how I really feel.

I grew up in the same house, same home, same place. It's not the physical place that I am emotionally attached to, but my experiences in it. Consequently, as my lifetime so far was spent in the same place, my feelings are somewhat tied to the physical location as well, though it would not do to just say that I'm tied to home.

It's where I grew up, where I lived and laughed and learned and loved. The experiences and memories from there defined me, defined who I was, who I am, and perhaps who I will be, because no one could ever sever themselves completely from the many things that they've gone through in their life.

I miss the feeling of being at home. The comfort of being where we've been our entire life. The feeling of your self entwined inevitable with the place you grew up. The feeling of belonging, of being part of something that nurtured and shaped you. The confidence that comes with being in your comfort zone. The life and living.

Back home, everywhere I went, there would be memories tied to it. No matter where I looked, I would be reminded of events from the past, emotions that I'd felt as a child. It brought comfort, somehow. Knowing that you are where you grew up. The sense of familiarity would calm me, allowing me to live and enjoy freely. It had its downsides too, no doubt, but it reassures more often than not.

Now I am in a new place, where nothing reminds me of something good, something special, something more. Like home would. Nothing to remind me of myself, of the good and bad times that I've had, of things that as a child I would tell to myself; I will remember this as long as I live. Nothing.

That I think disturbs me the most, being in an empty place. Perhaps if I'd had horrible experiences in my life before this, I would appreciate being in a place that would not remind me of them - but that is not the case with me. I've had a good life so far. I wasn't always happy - in fact, I was growing increasingly upset and irritable towards the end of my stay back home, but it does not discount the fact that I've had what many would say is a good and blessed childhood.

I think I'm just afraid of facing the future. I've never liked thinking too specifically on things I would do in the future. It disturbs me. Because I'm terrified of being an adult in an adult world, where there are all these rules and limitations and responsibilities. Because it is when we finally tell ourselves that we cannot indulge in our interests and desires too passionately anymore - we are adults now; there is no room for ideals, only practicalities.

I might just be a bit bitter about how adults tell us that we should cherish our childhood and teenage years, that we should enjoy these years as they are the best times of our life, but then force us to grow up as fast as we can, to 'prepare' us for the world and adulthood. I resent that, if only for selfish reasons, if only because I would rather indulge in my ideals and freedom than assume the limiting responsibilities of adulthood.

Being in a new place, a non-home, reminds me of adulthood, of facing the uncertainties and challenges that adults face, instead of focusing on the freedom and laughter and 'frivolous' ideals of childhood. I can smile and laugh and be happy here, but I will always think of things in my past, things that I have lost and will never gain again. Things I would think of and do no longer as an adult. 'Adults' don't bemoan the past or what they have lost growing up, but instead focus on the here and now, and the future as well.

I don't know if I'm up to these challenges. It would be a silly show of personal bravado to say that I am ready, that I am not terrified of the future. But regardless of how ready I am, soon enough I'll be forced into adulthood anyway, so I suppose that it doesn't really matter whether I am completely prepared or not. It doesn't change anything. Life won't wait for you. We, at best, cope to what life throws at us.

And I hate coping. I hate being one step behind, never being on sure footing. I may be calm and somewhat happy now, but I am still, in a sense, coping as best as I can to my new life here. Back home, at least I had a wealth of experiences and memories that acted as a counterbalance to whatever I faced. It was home. My sanctuary.

Maybe that's why I'm terrified of my new life here, terrified of the future.

Because all I can see for myself is a lifetime of coping.

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Beware the...

UPDATE!!

edit: This is a teaser post for the next post, which will most likely be sometime within the next 24 hours. Watch this space!

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Big Sky

The area I'm in right now is also known as Big Sky, for no reason other than that the sky looks bigger here than in other places, I guess. And a misnomer it is not.

And it truly does look bigger than your average sky. Big and clear and blue. Different than the sky back home, which was not quite big or clear or blue. It was just a sky; nothing more, nothing special.

Once in a while, the enormity of this place, its presence, and what I'm doing here would overwhelm me.

Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I'd look up at the big, blue sky and wonder what the fuck I'm doing here.

Because I really have no idea, and I doubt I'll have any soon. I'm a country far far away from all that I've ever known, far away from the life I had before, far away from home. For what? For my own good? For some kind of good?

The Big Sky, clear as it is, does not offer any answers.

And so I walk on, and sigh in contentment, annoyed at myself, but not really unhappy. Stupid Big Sky. It's just big and blue and beautiful. And empty.

Like this place, because it hasn't been filled with our memories and experiences yet. Empty and cold and simply beautiful.

It's like living in a painting, beautiful but two-dimensional, but due to no fault of the place. We just haven't lived in it yet, made it real, breathed life into it. We haven't given it meaning yet. We haven't defined our space in it yet.

But we will, soon. Myself. The others who came here to study. Everyone new. We will make it happy, we will give it meaning. Here under the Big Sky.

I'm actually pretty happy right now, if a bit contemplative. I'm learning to enjoy life here, learning to whine and groan and talk about it as I would of my former life back home. Which means that I finally, at least in part, think of this place as home, think of it as a place where my life is, a place that I have a right to love and hate and praise and criticize. Like the old place back in Malaysia.

And so, for now, I'm pretty happy. Hope it lasts. :)

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Ready... set...

SUPER DUPER MEGA SUPER KAWAII COOL MEGA POST MODE, ACTIVATE!!! RAWRRRRRRR

Now that that's out of the way, I can write my super mega long post that I feel you all deserve. If you don't feel like reading, just skip to the bottom of this post where all the pretty pictures are :D.

Life's pretty good so far. I'm still getting used to classes here, I'm kinda not used to being in such huge classes. I feel like I should be asking questions during class, like everyone else is doing, but I'm still waaay too shy to do so. It's weird how people are not afraid to voice out their (many) concerns or questions during class. I just sit there and wonder if I should be doing the same.

I'm taking five classes this semester. They are:
1) Child and Adolescent Psychology
2) Family Communication
3) Introduction to American Culture
4) Intro to Creative Writing: Fiction
5) Terrorism: Violence in the Modern World

Child and Adolescent Psychology is pretty interesting. It's a reasonably large class, but not to the point of being in a HUGE lecture hall or anything. The lecturer's pretty good, very focused, but he can get a bit too wordy sometimes. He doesn't mind people asking lots of questions during class, but he usually tries to finish talking about whatever point he was trying to make before he responds to people who have raised their hands. It's kinda funny how he just walks around during class carrying his thermos with coffee inside, and never really lets go of it. I also like how he uses pictures during class to illustrate his points; not even those sucky powerpoint kinds of pictures, but rather proper illustrations or images. As for the course so far, I find it to be quite interesting, and we'll be learning lots of significant topics during the semester. I also have project work where I have to interview children; I'm gonna have to contact a local school or something really soon.

As for Family Communication... well... I'm not really enjoying it so far. I mean, I took it as a last resort; I needed to take at LEAST one upper division course this semester or I'd be stuck taking all upper-division courses in the next few semesters. I don't know why, but I haven't really gotten hooked with this class. The lecturer's good, I must say, but maybe I just feel a bit out of place because it's also a pretty huge class and so far I haven't been able to click with anyone yet. At least in psychology class, Ken Gene's there, so it's not so bad. We'll see how it goes. I must say, I really really hate this class at the moment. Topic = interesting, class = sucks.

Introduction to American Culture, I must say, is hardly even a proper class. Basically we just sit around in small groups talking about certain things that the lecturer have asked us to talk about; even then, she encourages us to go off on a tangent on other topics if we find our conversations to be going in another direction. It's pretty fun, we just get to sit around and talk, and as far as I know, there are NO EXAMS. There are a lot of people from different countries, so we all just get to share our experiences. The title of the course is pretty misleading, though; while it DOES help us international students get acquainted with American culture, we also get to learn from other cultures as well. So far I've met some pretty nice people, there's only been like one sour grape who looks like he's not interested in the class at all. Haha, in the first class, when we all had to introduce ourselves, I mentioned that I'm half-Chinese and half-Malay, and the lecturer then proceeded to explain how Malaysia has three main races, the Chinese, Indians, and MAY-LAYS. Haha, she pronounced it as MAY-LAYS. Oh and in the last class, I and a few others had to spell out our names as she wrote them on the board so people can learn how to pronounce our names -_-. But yea, it's pretty fun.

Intro to Creative Writing: Fiction, is a boring class. Seriously boring. I love the topic, but the grad student who's teaching it is pretty boring. She's nice and friendly, no doubt, but she can be a HUGE bore when she's teaching. She speaks rather slowly, so we tend to lose focus after awhile. It's a reasonably small class, around 20-25 people I would say, so we all have a chance to speak up every now and then. Also, towards the end of every class, she'll give us a writing exercise to finish before class time ends; the exercise is based on whatever we learned that day. Also, we have to write two short stories for the class over the semester, and each of us will have workshop days where everyone comes in and discusses ONE short story one of us has written. OMFG much? My workshop is on Feb 22nd, so I need to complete mine the week before so they can go home and read it and find stuff to discuss/criticize/suggest. OMFG much!? I haven't written anything yet, so gah. It's not too bad though, I think... it's double spaced, roughly 8-15 pages, preferably around 12 pages I think. I HAVE to start writing ASAP. The second short story that everyone has to write will be analyzed in workshops in the same order of the first round of workshops; I'm the 3rd to go in the first round, so in the 2nd round, I'll also be the 3rd to go. Gah. As the short stories will be heavily analyzed and criticized, we have to put in our BEST effort in writing it. I'm so dead. But I like the class.

Terrorism: Violence in the Modern World... well... is.. kinda okay sorta? It's a large class, like 200-300 students, so it's pretty impersonal. The lectures are sometimes interesting, and at other times boring as hell. The lecturer seems pretty impassioned about the topic. We had to buy 5? 6? books for the class; not textbooks, but smaller books about various events or theories or people related to this class. I would say it's an o-kay class. I don't enjoy it too much, and I don't hate it either. We had to watch a movie for it the other day, a French movie called Danton, which is about the Reign of Terror in France following(or during?) the French Revolution. Sorta interesting, but WAY too long and draggy, it was 2+ hours.

So that's all about my classes.

Now for the introspection :P. I must say, I'm quite surprised at how fast I managed to settle in. Or rather, how well I've settled in? I wouldn't say that I'm totally comfortable yet; I'm not. I'm not used to the classes yet, and I'm certainly haven't gotten used to the culture as well. But I haven't had any absolutely depressing moments yet. I haven't sat there and felt like I was gonna die being so far from almost everyone and everything that I know. So far I just get pangs of 'omfg I am so craving char kuay teow/crabs/nasi ayam/etc.' It's not too bad. Maybe I just haven't been here long enough yet to really feel it, but yeah. It's not so bad.

Of course, my new Nintendo Wii helps to cheer me up greatly :P.

And the people too, gosh. The people are so nice and friendly that it's almost creepy. They're very polite, and are willing to help if you ask nicely :P. Car drivers will stop their car if they notice you're trying to cross the road(well, of course, this depends on WHERE you cross). I've had short conversations with people on buses, people at the checkout counter, people at bus stops, etc. They're just friendly. I know that it is also a superficial kind of friendly sometimes, but still. The people here are really nice and helpful. I'm really embarrassed at how rude and impatient most Malaysians are compared to people here in Missoula, Montana. We have a LOT to learn about courtesy and hospitality compared to them.

I really miss Malaysian food, though :( The food here SUCKS in comparison.

I must say, though, I'm glad I chose to study overseas. It's a really good experience. Although I'm pretty much out of my element here, I do think that there are a lot of things we can learn from other people and other cultures. We might not like everything about other cultures, but we can certainly learn from the good things in them.

Oh and the international students I've met are really nice. They're mostly exchange students though, so they'd only be around for one semester :(. So far I've met people from Mexico, New Zealand, Italy, Chile, The Netherlands, Korea, Japan, France, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, and so on and so forth I can't remember right now.

ps: I hate slushy snow now like you wouldn't believe, so annoying okay it gets all over my shoes and pants gaaaah D:

Now, ON TO PICTURES!!!! They're in a random order, I can't be bothered to organize them chronologically/topically/spatially/whatever.

Nico and I at Fuddruckers, a burger place. Nico's peer assistant(a local/experienced student assigned to us if we sign up for the peer assistant program) brought us here for dinner.



Camwhore nicely next to the bear: FAIL. Or rather, Ken Gene failed, I didn't. Bwaha. Central area of the campus in the background.



Another shot of the central area of the campus. It's a really scenic place, I don't know why people would go to Malaysia for the scenery D: It's beautiful here, and it's not even spring/summer/fall.



Nico and I camwhoring with the bear which I feel is anatomically incorrect. Having said that, I look like the female host of Wheel of Fortune D:.



Camwhoring round 3: PASS



My new Nintendo Wii! Yes we are using a laundry basket as the tv stand. We need to do something about that soon. -_- Wii tennis game on the screen.



Our rather spacious bathroom. I was surprised at how spacious it is. It's pretty cool :D I chose the shower curtain, haha, ya it doesn't look good but oh well -_-.



Our kitchen! It's really good, they provide everything... fridge, oven, stove, microwave, and a dishwasher too. It's not too spacious, but I guess having a spacious bathroom is good enough.



My demonstration on how the Wii controller is held. And yes, most of the time, we have to play it standing up so that our movements aren't obstructed. We have to wave the controller around most of the time. To bowl, we have to do the actual bowling motion. For tennis, we have to swing it as if we were swinging a tennis racket(racquet?). And so on and so forth. It's pretty cool :D



My dinner with Nico and his peer assistant, Steven, at Fuddruckers. The food was quite good. Nico's peer assistant is a really nice fella, and he has this really cool laugh where it sounds like.. um.. maybe how the evil mastermind would sound in an Austin Powers movie? Haha. I laugh to myself everytime I hear it. And I feel bad saying what I just said because he's really nice :P So we shall leave it at that.



Me, on the phone, in my messy room. Nico took this evil abomination of a picture. Yes it is really that messy. Hehe.



The view from the landing outside our apartment. Our building looks exactly like the one opposite from ours in that picture.



The new Malaysian students + one sesat Sri Lankan/Filipino dude.



Me, Ken Gene, Sheila, and Jorge, a Mexican dude, whose name is pronounced hor-hay. Well, something like that. :P



Some of us at the International House. From r-l, Me, Claudia(Chile), Lucy(New Zealand), Hanim(Malaysian :P), Sheila(ditto), two girls whose name I've forgotten since I've only met them once, and Nico :P.



Finally: ME! Sheila and I were super bored while waiting for Hanim, Nico, and Ken Gene to get back from someplace, so we camwhored. Or rather, she took my pictures while I sat there looking bored -_- Lower quality pic, it's from my phone :P She calls it my Versace model pic... -______-



So I guess that's all for now. Will try to update more often now since I've covered most of the basics :P. OH and before I forget, there was this really nice blizzard-ish weather the other day, it was really cold due to the wind, but the wind-blown snow looks beautiful :D. I regret not having my camera with me on campus the other day, but oh well.

Okay.

SUPER DUPER MEGA SUPER KAWAII COOL MEGA POST MODE, DEACTIVATE!!!

.....

Phew.

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