Not Me, Not I

My recent days have been... weird. Not bad, not good, but weird.

I haven't gone out with friends much, if at all. I guess everyone's busy with their own stuff, their own lives. I'm much too used to having everyone available all the time. It feels odd, this business of not going out much.

Things with me have somewhat settled. I don't feel like exploding anymore. Not that it's improved completely, but I suppose that I've learned to handle it better. It feels good, not thinking about something all the time. Yes, I do think about the problems I have, but not as much as I used to.

I feel.. exhausted. In more ways than one. I don't think it's natural for a 17 year old to feel drained all the time. Perhaps I just worry too much. Perhaps whatever problems I've faced so far have all been totally unexpected. Perhaps I'm just a weak person - and nowadays I'm more inclined to believe this. I know that I've mentioned my so-called exhaustion many times before, but... yes, I do feel it. And it's not just lack of sleep.

No matter how much we don't want something to happen, it'll probably still happen. As it happened to me. Murphy's Law needs to die. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Things went wrong. I'm just trying to fix them.

I'm content, though. Not overly happy, not a swirling pool of anger, sadness, and angst, but... just content.

As much as I'd like to appreciate the person I am today - and I do appreciate myself - there are times, like now, that I do wish that I'd been different. Maybe... I'd be in a different place, or time, or something. I just feel that I don't belong here, and now. I, for once, don't want to be myself at this very moment.

But I'm still content.

Ergh. Attachment sucks. Someone needs to see the truth. I need answers.

Read on...

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The Mask Shatters

I can't live like this. Not now, not ever.

All I feel, day in, day out, is that the world is closing in on me, that my time is almost over. I'm not talking about death, because death would be too easy - I do not want to die, in any case. I just feel that soon enough, either I or the world around me will blow up. Something tells me that I'll be the first one to lose it. But I'm not going down without a fight.

I have no idea why, of all people, it had to happen to me. Perhaps it's justice, for I have always had something against God. I don't think that we're on speaking terms anymore. God probably ignores me now because all I ever do is bitch, bitch, and bitch even more. Add that to the fact that I never pray, nor do I always have God in mind whenever I do or say anything - and you have a pissed God.

Now, more than ever, all I want to do is come clean. I don't want to go on trying to convince myself of how good or mature or perfect I am. I don't want people to go on believing that I'm in control, that I have everything going for me; intelligence, wisdom(or not, since I feel like I'm at a dead-end), money to a certain extent, etc... because it isn't true.

I've always prided myself on having clarity of thoughts, of knowing what to do in any given situation. Right now, though, I have no idea what to do. I can feel the thoughts in my head, the confused jumble of conflicting desires, needs, beliefs, ideas, and so on. It feels almost as if I can't think of anything else. I'm just stuck with the same thoughts every single moment of every single day, no matter where I go.

I can't go on living like this. I can't. Living an idyllic lie, no matter how much it deviates from the truth, is so much harder than coming clean. I have to come clean. Only then will I be able to flush the thoughts in my brain, the feelings that I've had to deal with.

I know that... in doing so, I might lose some friends. I know it'll happen, as I believe that not everyone can handle the truth. But I can't live with myself anymore. It's better if I learn how to live with myself, than to live like this with others. It'll hurt, losing friends.

But I'll survive - on my own, if I have to.

Here's part of a song by Keith Urban... I believe that in a way, it sums up my relationship with life:

I went out driving, trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been.

Read on...

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Incomplete

I guess it's just about time for me to make a new post. And make a new post, I shall.

Hm.

You know how sometimes, in life, you feel as if nothing you do will ever make a difference? It's as if every single action you have done is irrelevant, that it is worth nothing more than how much you value it. And sometimes, you value it above your own life and your own well-being.

The world, on the other hand, does not see its value. It does not validate the reason or purpose behind your actions. It just absorbs what you do, and whether you get something in return - maybe, maybe not. Most probably not.

Life, as seen through this lens, is just a big waste.

Do you ever get that feeling? Have you ever felt that everything you've done in life has been in vain, that you've lost the war even before it had begun? Have you?

I don't know about you, but I certainly have. I feel it now.

It pains me to admit that I think my life so far has been quite a waste. I've never really done what's best for me or the rest of the world. I just do things, and whether they've been beneficial for anyone or anything is still up in the air.

Yea, I mean, there are the little things such as studying hard, getting good grades, helping a certain random person or two, etc etc, but once you think about it, those are rather insignificant things. Things that look good on paper, but don't really have an effect on anything else.

One example is that I don't have anything that I'm particularly proud of at the moment. Nothing. There are certain things that I've certainly been happy about after their completion, but nothing that just made me burst with pride.

Another example is of course in one of my previous posts, with me feeling that I haven't received what I deserve from my friends. I've given a lot, and I do not expect the world in return; but I do desire something. Given the choice of having either the world or what I want or desire from friendship, I would gladly choose my wants and desires over the world.

I don't need the whole world to be happy; I just need real relationships, both romantic and platonic. I want not only to give or receive; I want to give AND receive.

Thinking back, I feel as if my life's been a waste so far, as I do not have any relationship that really satisfies me. I... - I don't believe that I really have friends, and I don't always believe that I have a family.

Yes, I talk to certain people regularly, I go out with certain people regularly, I have fun with certain people regularly. And it wasn't always like this; it was worse, before. At times, I've believed that I'd found my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But all that is gold does not glitter.

Yeah.. I don't really have any friends.

I read somewhere that friends are the family you can choose, the family you make for yourself. That's why I sometimes think, 'I have no family', for I do not really have friends.

I've given too much of myself to others, lived a life that I now realize has only been a projection of the people around me. It isn't me, and it has never been me.

I need to learn how to be me, how to let go, how to give up what I've always desired although I never wanted to desire it, how to just.. yea. Let go.

When a person tells you, 'just be yourself,' they don't realize that what they're asking you to do is more than what you can ever do.

And here I am, with this big pile of waste I call my life.

Incomplete, in all my glory.

Read on...

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