Yay and a half

Things are fine at the moment, I suppose. They're better, at the very least?

I feel good at the moment. :)

Read on...

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....

Okay.

Here's the deal.

You've been having your all-important examinations over a period of one month. At the end of it, you're supposed to feel excited, happy, and relieved right?

Wrong... well, if you're me, anyway.

Yea, I do feel relieved. But.. happy? Excited? Not really. I came home.. feeling contented and mostly relieved. With a feeling of accomplishment, too, because I truly worked my butt off - and more - for my exams. And then... I return to an empty house. When I got home, I realized how much I miss my family. My mom, who's away on a business trip right now, isn't home. My father, who works in Indonesia, isn't home. My brother's studying in the US. So.. I return to an empty house, with me, myself, and I to celebrate. I called both my mom and my dad, and they were both in meetings...

Under most circumstances... teenagers would be extremely happy if they were in my situation. The problem is.. I'm not like that. I do value relationships. I value company. I appreciate the people around me. It's.. tough, being 'in control' and 'handling' my life. Responsibilities are just.. piling up. It's hard enough that my dad accepted the position in Indonesia, and then my brother left. My mom.. isn't really helping, either.

She keeps asking for my help(which means I have to do it, so it's not really 'helping') in doing so many things. I have to pay bills. I have to look after the house. I have to clean my room and the bathroom, and move into my brother's room because relatives are coming to stay in my room(which is bigger). And then, I have to go to the dentist. I want to have bracers, so I have to go and set up the appointment myself, and go and discuss everything so I can report to my parents. Most of the time, I have dinner by myself. On weekends, I help my mom at the supermarket, which consists of me pushing the cart, helping to pick out stuff, and carrying the bags afterwards.

What else?

I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, I don't go out late at night, I don't go clubbing, I don't go to parties, I have good, responsible friends, my grades are good, I study for exams, I rarely go against my parents... and so on.

And the problem?

Despite everything that I've done.... my parents can't appreciate me.

They.. take it for granted that I'm the nice one, the one who hasn't really fought them before. They take it for granted that I'm the one who can be trusted, the one who takes care of responsibilities. They just give me more and more responsibilities, and... it's hard, not receiving appreciation. It's... hard. For... years.. I've done everything that they've wanted me to do. I may not be perfect, but I sure as hell come close to it.

And.. I don't know. It just makes me wanna sink into a hole and die, but... at the same time, it just.. angers me.

I'm.. worried about what I can do right now. For years I've acted as a sponge, just... never really fighting back. For years my mom and brother have scolded me, yelled at me, said mean comments. For years I've felt the silent disapproval of my father, who I know silently wished that I was more religious and more athletic. For years... I have taken it, and I've never lashed back at them. And.. now, after all this time, I feel my control slipping.

Now.. I'm prone to mood swings. One moment I'd be fine.. the next, I'd be thinking about all of those things and I just feel like... lashing out. Maybe.. that's why words that inspire freedom, and releasing our inhibitions.... just... strike a chord in me. For years.. I've just wanted to look them in the eye and tell them that I have feelings. I'm human. Just because I've tolerated it for years doesn't mean that I won't snap one day. Anyone can break. Anyone, no matter how strong they are. After all, how strong are we without the support of our family?

I'm just.. tired. My parents probably think that I'm easily appeased, because I am somewhat materialistic. But... I'm not an airhead. I think, feel, experience... I do everything that makes us human, and more. I'm tired of just accepting things, of being so tolerant with my parents. I'm tired of my mom's stingy ways, I'm tired of my father's absence. I love to read, but my mom dislikes giving me money to buy books. At the same time, she wants me to study hard and be successful. While.. my dad... I'm not quite sure at the moment. Recently.. I've tried to talk to him a bit more. I've seriously tried. Before this.. I always felt like there was an emotional wall between us. I know he's my father, but... I don't know. I think... now, he's coming to the realization that he and my mom haven't been vocal enough about their supportiveness. He's realized that.. I don't feel like they've supported me in everything I've ever done.

And that's true. I don't feel like they're supportive. I seriously.. don't. My mom, especially. She... she's constantly scolding me... giving me more responsibilities... puts me down when I'm optimistic and hopeful... scolds me when I'm feeling pessimistic. It's hard, living with her. I used to get scolded for crying when I was upset. As if it was wrong for me to have emotions, wrong for me to get upset at their words, instead of just accepting them nicely. My father keeps saying... that she has her good qualities.. although she doesn't really show them. Well, I wish she would. I feel like a failure in the eyes of my parents. I know that they do say that they'll support me no matter what I do... but.. it's just them saying it. I can feel their disapproval, their unwillingness to let me do what I want to do. What I'm happy doing. God.. my father even sounds reluctant whenever he says that my mom and him will support me no matter what I do. That hurts, more than anything else. God knows.. I've tried, tried to be better, tried to just... have them accept my decisions. But... still, I know that somewhere inside them they think of me as a failure.

In a way, I wish that somehow my parents would read this and know how I feel. It's... deeply personal for me, but I do wish that somehow they'd stumble upon this and realize how I feel. I don't know. It sure beats having to tell them face to face. And... yea. If I did tell them face to face, I'd probably be too upset to speak coherently, so they'd probably just think of it as some rebellious phase or something. They wouldn't take me seriously. It's... wrong, how they give me so many responsibilities but still don't trust me enough to take me seriously.

And here's another reason why my parents are so lucky. Throughout all this, never once have I considered suicide. Never. I'd never throw my life away. I just want to live it. Suicide is something that I would never, ever do. A teenager mature enough to realize the importance of life. Weird, isn't it?

Some people think I have a perfect life. Money. Brains. Personality. Some people think of me as a stuck up pompous ass. But yea, this is the truth behind the mask. This is.. me. What's the use of having money... or brains.. or personality.. or all of it, if you come home to an empty house, with no one to be with.

And right now.. I hate 'me'. I'll probably feel a bit better tomorrow.. but, even then, and the days after, there will always be that silent undercurrent of hurt and grief. People don't really know me. They don't know me for who I really am.

Yea... this is me. All of me.

Read on...

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Freedom's just another word...

FREEDOM!...

Although... it doesn't feel so good at the moment. Why? I'll tell.. later.

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One More Day

1 day to go... Biology... BRING IT ON!!!!

Read on...

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Haha and a bit of a hmph

Hm... only about a week more to go until my exams are over. Wow. It's been.. surprisingly fast. I don't know. For some inexplicable reason I'm not treating the examinations as an all-important life changing event. Why? I don't know. I'm just.. doing it. So far, I think I've been doing quite well. Better than expected, even. At this rate, I'd be extremely disappointed if I received less than 7 A's out of the 10 subjects I'm taking. I do hope that I get straight A's... :P

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Okay, so now on to the long-winded thoughts I have.

What does this world need at the moment? (this is another I-hate-Bush-and-Howard thing)

Tolerance, of course. Strange. People are voting for idiots. Why, really? Is it so hard to open your eyes and see the truth? Is it really that hard? I don't know. I can't believe that there are mature, responsible adults in the world who would vote for such people. Obviously, they aren't as mature as I believed, huh?

A large number of Bush's supporters voted for him not because he had great plans for healthcare, education, unemployment, etc, but rather that he was against gay marriages. What I don't understand is... why ban gay marriages? Seriously. Just because I'm not gay, it doesn't mean that I would deny someone else happiness. So, why do these people freely choose to strip people of their basic rights? Is it because of a certain thing called religion?

"Look, what Bush says is exactly what the Bible says, so we'll vote for him! :D Brilliant, aren't we? We're exercising our right to vote and choose for ourselves :D"

Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but at the same time you're choosing for other people. How would you like it if someone came up to you and said that you're not allowed to marry someone from the opposite gender, because their holy text says it? Someone could just write their own version of the Bible, say, 'Bible Version 2.2', and in it, it's said that you're only allowed to marry someone from the same gender. What if this Bible Version 2.2 somehow gained popularity, and soon enough the conservatives became the minority. How would you feel? How would it feel to be denied your basic, human rights simply because that's what it says in an old holy text?

The same thing could happen to anyone else. What if someone takes a passage or two from a holy text and interprets it as 'women do not have the right to choose their husbands', or 'men are not allowed to marry less than 2 women'? Just.. any absurb interpretation. Then, BAM!... it's applied to society. That's why there is a need for the separation of church and state. It's because... if both things are combined... and a misuse of religion is applied, then the nation will be affected too. To others, your Bible, your holy text, is the Bible Version 2.2. It's more popular, and it's widely accepted(and believed), so these other people become the minority. They have no choice whatsoever but to accept the decisions of the majority.

Why can't Bush say 'I'll stop terrorism, AND give you your human rights, and excellent healthcare, and education, and so on' ? Why not? It's appealing to most groups. So, why not? It's because the leader himself isn't running the country based on what the country needs. He's running it based on what he wants, and what he feels the country needs. What the country doesn't need is to alienate the minority. What it doesn't need is a leader who would do anything to remain in power, that he would go against the rest of the world. *Sigh*

Kerry should have won. He was the one who cared about the nation, every single citizen of the country. Just because he doesn't want to stop gay marriages, it doesn't mean that he wishes only bad things for the 'conservative, religious white people'. No. He just wanted everyone to have equal rights. He wanted everyone to have a chance to have a happy life. He wanted... what the world needs. Tolerance. Equality.

It's just like how... women want equality. They want the rights that men have. They don't want to be suppressed. Well, surprise surprise, that's how gays feel. They just want equality. They want to have equal opportunities. So, to all those 'conservative, religious white' women out there, see what you've done. You did to them what you wouldn't have wanted to be done to you. You had their rights taken away. You had the 'correct, nice' people do to them what men in the past have done to you. You wanted equality? You got it. When gays wanted equality, you spat in their face.

So, you may be thinking, why is a heterosexual guy across the world from the US so upset about something like that? Why, indeed? It's because.. I fear the same thing happening to me. I fear that, one day, in one way or another, my rights are taken away. My rights as a human being. My rights as a citizen of this country. Maybe one day I won't have rights because I'm of dual lineage(Chinese and Malay). Maybe one day I won't have rights because I'm partly Chinese, so I'm partly in the minority. Maybe I won't have rights because I'll marry someone who's not a Muslim. Maybe one day I won't have rights because I don't pray 5 times a day. Maybe. Just maybe.

As it goes in the song, Unwritten:
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way.

That's what I'm doing. Sometimes what I say is outside the lines. But... so what if I'm making mistakes. Who's to say that what I do or say are in fact, mistakes? You? The Bible? The Al-Quran? I'll live my life my own way. And I wouldn't deny you or the rest of the world your happiness. I want everyone in the world to have equal opportunities. Idealistic or not, it doesn't matter. It's what the world needs. Equality. Tolerance.

It's not simply what I want. It's what the world really, really needs.

Read on...

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My new theme song!

Whoa, I found a new theme song for myself, and it's by the amazing, fresh Natasha Bedingfield... I kinda like her theme, being independent, being strong, inspiration, and all the things that really attract me. :) Lyrics for the song, Unwritten, are right here:

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined

Im just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned



Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten



I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way



Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find



Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Wooo I am totally in love with this song at the moment!

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Ergh - twice

Hehe, here I am ranting away again. Another set of jumbled thoughts just waiting to be unleashed upon my unsuspecting blog. Again.

Okay, I definitely know what I fear most in life. Not ghosts, snakes, darkness, spiders, or anything like that.

What I fear most... is.. well, how do I put it into words?

I fear not living life. I fear living an unhappy life. I fear wasting my life. I fear not being truly happy with my life.

I fear life itself, although all I've wanted to do my entire life... is embrace it.

I don't know why I've been on such an emotional roller coaster the last few days. I'd be laughing one moment, brooding the next(I was about to say crying, though) and well.. I've been doing so much thinking. I've watched a few movies that have really thrown me off balance. Movies with lessons in them. Movies that I want to watch over and over again so I'd never forget the messages conveyed.

I'm on the brink of yet another leg of the journey that is my life. I seriously don't know what to do, what to think, what to believe. Did I miss something? Did I trip over a stone before falling down - face first - into a rough rocky surface, and tumbled right back down to the tumultuous phase of adolescence? Seriously.

Give me a break here!! *shakes fist at the sky, aimed at a certain solo God up there*

Why can't life be simpler? Well, not as simple as eat, feed young, protect young, hibernate, etc etc, but... simpler than what it is now.

To me, the most apt description of my views on life right now would be:

!$*(@#%@*%&*!@#$!@($*#@(@#!!!!

I can either do medicine, or English. I don't want to do medicine because... despite its obvious rewards, it's almost a no-life. I am a caring person by nature, but I do not want to live almost the rest of my life being stuck in a hospital day after day. I do not want to live like that. I want to live freely, with responsibilities and duties, but still enough time to enjoy life. I don't want to be rich but would never be able to enjoy other things. I want to have time to read, to learn new things, to discover, to live. I want to LIVE, damn it!

Right now I am heavily leaning towards English.. not medicine. My parents have other ideas though. My dad's current decision is for me to TRY medicine first, or at least try A-levels, before deciding what I would do permanently. The funny thing is that if I told them I was still torn between medicine and English, but I was leaning towards medicine, they would never even suggest that I try English first.

Well, right now I still have to focus on my exams. I can't exactly do much without good results, can I?

*sigh*

I'll continue some other time.

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Hm? What is it this time?

You know... right now, I'm worried. Very worried. Why, you ask? Well, look around you. Look at the rest of the world. Open a newspaper and all you'll see if death and destruction. What happened to happy declarations of the triumphs of humanity? What happened to shedding light on people who've done their best to make the world a better place? What gets more publicity, mass destruction, or aid missions?

Destruction, of course.

No one wants to hear what people are doing to help others. All they want to do is to read about the horrible things happening to humans in this day and age. All they want to do is to read, weep, mourn, hold candlelight vigils, then go home feeling like they've accomplished something. Yes, you can offer flowers as tributes, yes, you can write lengthy speeches about what's wrong in the world. But do those actions change anything? Will it help, if you hold a candlelight vigil and wish with all your heart that things in the world would improve?

It doesn't help. At all.

Why waste time talking, and wishing, when you CAN do something to change it? Every person has the power to change the world, not just with an iron will, or a fiery heart, or a brilliant mind... it takes all of those to change the world. Anyone can change the world. Anyone. It doesn't just take money and great influence to help. We 'little people' are the ones who have the real power. To me, modern heroism isn't about a single person making gargantuan changes. In my opinion, it takes the combined will and strength of many people to bring about an act of heroism. Also, today, it's not about the glory anymore. People don't help others(sincerely, at least) for glory. People help others for the sake of helping. There are heroes everywhere - startlingly ordinary ones - and because of the fact that such heroic acts remain drowned out among so many other 'significant events', no one wants to be an ordinary hero. No one has faith anymore, because what good is there to doing good if no one notices, and no one steps forward to grab the baton that is passed on to them? Why do something if it's viewed as a futile effort?

Because of that, we're all reduced to simply wishing, hoping, and praying. Our voices are reduced to mere whispers, and we depend on our leaders to amplify them. That is why it is so important that we choose the correct leaders, people with the values, skills, and vision to tackle the problems of the world. But somehow... the wrong people are still chosen. 'Why?' I wonder. I wonder why despite the fact that these 'wrong' leaders are obviously misguided and narrow-minded, they are still chosen to represent the collective will of a nation. Why? What is it that they're teaching in the various societies on the face of the planet that even the wrong people come into power?

In my opinion... it's insecurity.

Everyone has insecurities. You. Me. EVERYONE. If you think that manipulating people is hard, think again. It's really easy to be a puppeteer, to tug upon the strings of a person's insecurities. It's easy to create rousing speeches that bring out the insecurities within each and every single one of us, and then go on to ensure that people believe in them. It's a very subtle way of manipulation. Words are powerful. A picture is worth a thousand words, but a single word can inspire a thousand pictures. 'Terrorism'. Flashes of people dying, women crying, handicapped children, dead fathers, mothers, siblings, relatives, friends. The list goes on. See how easy it is to bring out insecurities? Manipulation isn't an artform anymore, it's a way of life.

Oh, and there's another issue I wish to mention here.

Nowadays... the youth seem to be under attack. Everywhere we go, we find adults who say that teenagers are causing so much trouble.. teenagers are irresponsible... teenagers are the cause of many social ills...

Well, excuse me, but some of you need to take a step back and see how well YOU'RE running the world. Oh, I see death and destruction here, hunger there, silly political issues, and so much more.

Really, whoever thought that being an adult automatically makes you wise, mature, responsible, and all-knowing, really needs a large slap from reality and a big punch on the nose too. I really, really, really can't stand 'adults' who claim that we teenagers need to be told how to behave. I really hate ageism. As far as I can tell not many adults believe that hey, we teenagers can actually have good ideas and good opinions. Really, I should know the best way to live my own life, right? Tell me how is it that you supposedly know what's best for me when in fact you can't even dive into my mind to see what's REALLY best for me, as opposed to just claiming that you know what's best for me. I do know that most adults are quite sensible, but please, don't think that because adults are (usually) sensible, then hey, teenagers are nonsensical by default. After all, we do have minds, you know. And I'm not afraid to use it.

I've lost faith in many, many 'adults' because of what's happening in the world. How can I look up to you when I can't find it in myself to agree with the various bad - not wrong - decisions that you make? I wish that they'd just stuff their egos and narrow-mindedness up their asses - from which the sun shines out of, by the way - and admit that hey, some of us teenagers really can make good, sensible decisions, and that we should be given a chance to help dictate what goes on in a country's administration. All these youth programmes are planned by balding, middle-aged adults who know nothing of the problems we go through. Well, they think they know anyway. Of course, as always, they really don't know. If I were to be put in a position where I can really say what's on my mind, and to tell them what they really need to hear, I will make sure that everything comes out unfiltered. I'll make sure that I tell them everything that matters. After all, we are the future leaders of the world, right? So why alienate us? *sigh*

I really wish that things would change.

The way things are going now... no wonder I've lost my faith in humanity.

Read on...

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Hm..

......
I am so bloody tired. Will update some other time when my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode.

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Oh, just some things...

You know what? Right now, what I really need.. is a trip to some beautiful resort somewhere. What I need is time to laze around, time to finish reading the novels I have, and time to just sit down and enjoy the music of life... the music which stems from everywhere around us. The almost unnoticable breeze in your ears. The sound of my air-conditioner. At a beach, it would be the sound of friction between grains of sand. The strong yet inobstrusive sounds of the waves. The wind flowing through leaves and blades of grass. The swaying and rustling of leaves. EVERYTHING.

What I don't need is these stupid exams which were supposedly created for the purpose of giving us a better understanding about the subjects we've learned, and to test our abilities in those subjects.

What a load of bullshit.

The only reason why we have so many exams papers for each subject is because the people in charge of our 'education' would rather add useless things in each subject to justify their position at the top, almost as if what they've done will reaffirm their position as the people in charge, rather than admit the fact that the system now has so many problems that they should fix. There are so many problems and discrepancies, not to mention various examples of flawed logic, in each subject that the amount is enough to fill up a large island and turn it into a third world country. They think that because they're doing 'something' to 'help us', they are justifying themselves being in that position to make decisions. They don't want to do something new or innovative, they want to do what's safe, and ensures that they have a job at the end of the day. It's not about us, it's not about what we need or want, but it's about what they want, what they think we need, and what they think our country needs.

We don't need to learn Jawi, we don't need to have so many Malay Language periods that the other subjects are left out in the cold, we don't need to memorize every damn detail of every damn experiment for science subjects because what's important is the concept of each experiment, and only the concept, and to have to memorize all these useless bits(or loads) of info is in fact beyond our level. What we don't need is the stupid people in charge telling us that they know what's best for us, because some of us actually use our brains and can actually decide what's good or bad for us.

As I've mentioned before somewhere, I don't need to get cancer to realize that smoking is bad, I don't need to get infected by an STD(sexually transmitted disease) to realize that premarital sex isn't good, and I don't need to have my life crash around me by being addicted to drugs to realize that drugs(when misused) are horrible. I have a mind. I actually use it. Although, I can't say the same for the people who make our everyday lives harder. I just don't see any logical reason for some of the things they come up with. They're absurd. Life is absurd enough already, so I'm not sure why they're just adding to the absurdity.

I seriously do not like these adults who are supposedly wiser than me telling me that they know what's best for me, and that we shouldn't question the decisions that they make. Malaysian leaders promote an open-minded way of thinking, but they need to learn how to practice what they preach. The 'adults' expect us young people - the youth, the so-called leaders of the future - to just accept the decisions that they make, and not to question the reasoning behind each decision. Isn't this somewhat like a dictatorship, where the people are not allowed to question the people above them? Well, it's dictatorship on a smaller scale anyway.

You know what? One of these days I'm gonna throw the idea of being a doctor out the window because I've been completely discouraged by the Malaysian education system, and I'll become an English professor or a writer instead. Language is more my forte, anyway. I.. just don't want to have to go through scientific crap ever again. Maybe in another life, away from Malaysia, I might've enjoyed the joys of science, but at the moment I can honestly say that I hate science due to the crap I've had to crawl through in Malaysian schools. A word of advice: do not ever send your kids to a Malaysian public school, because of the amount of sheer crap in it. A walk through a minefield in complete darkness with bombs and shrapnel flying all around you during a thunderstorm with a hurricane approaching would be more productive than learning the crap that we have to do for the sake of 'being successful', 'being a good student', and 'passing our exams with flying colours'.

It's not about our education anymore. Right now, it's about examinations. That's it. We're learning for the sake of getting A's in examinations.

Stupid ageists ruling us.

Die, ageists. >:(

Read on...

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Ah, a song that 'fits'

Wow.. I was just browsing through the channels on TV yesterday... and on MTV, I found a song that I think really represents me at the moment.. the lyrics sort of cut straight to my heart. It's the song Ten Years Time by Gabrielle.... I admit, I don't really like her, but this song.. wow, I just think that it suits me really well. Here are the lyrics:

Do you have a vision?
Do you have a goal?
I'm watching you shrugging your shoulders,
Telling me you just don't know.

Do you get emotional?
Is there something you're passionate about?
I can tell that you're still searching,
Still trying to work it all out.

It takes time
Take your time
Mm mm
You will know
When it feels right

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
In your life

What would you fight for?
For what do you stand?
How will you go about it?
And do you have a masterplan?

What are your demons?
How much for your soul?
Have you found religion?
And gone down that road?

Guess we all need
Something to believe
oh oh oh
Times haven't changed
Thats how it's gotta be

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
Yeah
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
We're talking about your life

Are you a dreamer?
Tell me all your dreams
Can you say honestly
What you want to be

What would you do,
When your back's against the wall?
Would you stand on your two feet?
Would you admit defeat?

These are the times
You need to be strong
Don't you know,
Don't you know that is hard
Have you learned to find a way?
You gotta find a way to carry on

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
Yeah
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
We're talking about your life
Your life

(Chorus)
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way you've been living your life?
Will you be alright?
Yeah
And when you're looking back to now
All the years gone by
Will there be something that you say
That you should have done right
We're talking about your life
Your life

Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be alright?
Tell me will you get it right? get it right?
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be happy with the way that you're living your life?
Do you feel it being right? It will be alright.
Where you gonna be in ten years time?
Will you be alright?
Tell me will you get it right? get it right?
Where you gonna be in ten years time?

Sort of shows how I feel right now, about life in general. I could save a lot of time if someone asked me how I felt, and I could just point out this song.. because this is how I feel right now. Finally a song that 'fits'....

Read on...

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Ice-cream and life

Hm. I haven't updated in awhile.

Anyway... tonight is one of those 'eat ice cream and wallow in self misery' nights. Everything's hitting me at once. Me and my mom are the only ones left here, with my father working overseas and my elder brother studying in the US. It's only less than 80 days till my final exam for high/secondary school, and it will either make me, or break me.

Things are changing.

This is IT... my childhood(which includes my teenage life) is almost over. No more relaxation, no more carefree days, no more escaping from responsibility. I don't want to grow up.. not now, not ever. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and as far as I can tell.. it won't be as magical as my childhood was.

I confess, I can't remember too much from my childhood, but I know that I was happy. My parents always made sure that I was just a child, never growing up too fast, but always there to make sure that I did grow up all nice and well. I was never left wanting. We also had a maid.. not quite a maid anymore, but more of a family member... I think when she passed away due to breast cancer, a part of my childhood died as well. That was the first slap from reality, telling me that I can't plan when I want to grow up. Things started changing then. I had responsibilities. I wasn't a child anymore.

As the years went by... more and more responsibilities appeared. My mother knew that my brother and I were old enough, and she made sure that we did whatever teenagers had to do as part of reaching maturity. School was a full-time job. School projects, assignments, grades, and so much more. Studying was my part-time job. I couldn't simply run around avoiding work if I wanted to keep up in school. I did amazingly well for an important exam during my third year of high/secondary school, and now I'm in Pure Science for the last two years of schooling, the so-called 'prestigious' stream for students... we are the ones who end up as doctors, engineers, and so on. It was expected of me, I suppose, because no one wanted someone who got straight A's to go into a.. less prestigious stream. I obeyed. I don't know if it was only my choice, or if society had a hand in shaping my decision. I know that I wanted to go into Pure Science, but what was my intention? Did I even have solid goals then?

Now.. now school is just a part of my existence. We have so much work that by the beginning of the year I'm already burnt out, and don't want to do anymore work. My subjects are so hard.. so, so hard. The teachers expect us to be the best students, getting good grades and making the school proud. But I don't know. I'd rather see someone from the 'less prestigious' streams shine, because then.. then they would be jewels among rocks. Where I am... jewels ARE rocks. No matter how well you do, people will just say 'oh, that's good... besides, you pure science students are supposed to be the best anyway.' My grades are only average for a Pure Science student, but in any other stream I would be among the best, if not the best. The teachers.. they just tell us average pure science students that we're not working hard enough, when we're doing a lot more than the other streams. I wish that they'd lay off. They need to focus on the 'worse' students first. I don't see why they are putting all their hopes on the 'good' students only, when they should be focusing more on bringing up the standard of education of the other students. They give us extra work and say that it's because we're good that we get extra work.. but isn't that a bit silly? It's as if they've given up hope on the other students. I know some of those other students, and despite the fact that their grades may not be on par with those in my stream, but they are good people.

In a silly world like this... grades are all that matter. Being a good person doesn't ensure your success in life. To me, that's wrong. What world do we live in, where a piece of paper and a few numbers and alphabets can totally destroy the chances of good people having good lives. It doesn't matter that they've never broken laws, or that they've helped so many friends in their life, or that they've given all they can to the rest of the world. It doesn't matter that... because of these people, others have smiles and joy in their day-to-day lives.

Now all I have to look forward to in life is getting good grades, getting into a good uni, getting a good job, working for the rest of my life, and then retiring. That's it. That's all that life has to offer... and it sucks. Screw all this. I don't want my future to be dictated by a stupid piece of paper. I don't want to be represented by a stupid piece of paper. I just want to be me.

I'm sure this tub of ice-cream I'm holding agrees with me.

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La di dum dum

Hm. Things have been a bit weird lately. For some reason, I'm perpetually tired. I'm not sure why. My diet seems fine, I've been eating the same things that I've been eating for most of my life.

Is it possible for the body to grow weary bit by bit over a period of time, leaving us drained near the end of the cycle? I've never heard of it, but to me it seems somewhat feasible, because if the mind can experience such a cycle, than why not the body? Well.. it's either that, or the heat is starting to get to me. For some unknown reason, my air-conditioner won't work properly in the day, but is fine at night. Maybe the days are hotter now. Global warming and all that jazz. I don't know.

*sigh*

In less than a month the trial exams start. I'm so dead. I have no inclination at all to study. None. Nada. Zip. I know that I'm supposed to study and stuff... but oh well. I do hope that suddenly, as if a divine arm reached down from the heavens and whacked me squarely behind my head, I'll go 'What the $@#$!? I should be studying!' Then I'd follow up with that sudden realization and.. well, study.

Why is it that we humans don't do things that we know we're supposed to be doing? Because we're the best living procrastinators on earth. That statement includes animals into the equation. Animals are never really late for anything, they do whatever they're supposed to do in the seasons they have to do it, and then.. well, do it over and over and over again. Humans.. well, we just put things off till the next day. Bleh. Not sure why, though.

Anyway... ... um.. I've suddenly remembered that I'm supposed to be doing something.. just that I can't remember what.

I better go now... I hope it'll come to me in due time... silly memories.

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It's late at night...

Hm.. it's late at night, and I'm not entirely sure what to write about.....

I've been wanting to write a story since... well, last year. Problem is, I never seem to have the time to do so. Nowadays.. all I do is homework, attend tuition, go to school, sleep, exercise, etc. I never really have time to write. It won't matter if I have short breaks in between whatever I do during the day, because... I need time to write. I need a long period of time dedicated entirely to writing. I need to be in the mood, in the 'zone', where the ideas just flow out smoothly and inexorably.

*sigh*

At night, I'm either busy finishing up some assignments(usually last minute stuff), or I'm chatting with friends, or I'm too sleepy to do any of those and I'd go to bed early. Then, I'll read a book while falling asleep. I.. just can't seem to find time to write. Either that, or I just do anything except writing... as an excuse not to write.

I read in a book that my brother's girlfriend lent me, and somewhere in it it said that the first million words(or was it sentences?) that we right are just for practice. We have to start now, no matter how horrible our writing skills are. Someone who says that 'Oh, I want to read all the great works of fiction and then I'll write my grand masterpiece' is just giving an excuse NOT to write.

I seem to fall under the category of 'people who find excuses'.

I know I want to write, I know that I should be writing, but.. I'm just not doing it! One of my goals in life is to write a book. It doesn't have to be a bestseller, it doesn't have to create legions of fans, or anything like that. It's more of a personal goal, something I want to do. It's just.. one of my dreams. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get around to actually doing it.

How many people go through life not doing what they've always wanted to do? The answer = too many. Far, far too many. Too many people do things in life which they should have never done, while others don't do the things in life which they should have done. It's so weird. Is it out of fear? Is it out of bad luck? What causes a person to not pursue whatever they know, love, and desire most? What holds a person back from truly living their lives? Perhaps, for some people, it's money. For others, commitments... bad luck... etc. But I think fear is the biggest factor. People fear failure. People fear diving out of their comfort zone... despite the fact that they'd be jumping into something that they want to do. As for me? It's probably fear. I fear that I'll be disappointed when I'm done writing, I fear that I won't live up to my own expectations.. I fear that it could be a waste of time. So much fear... never enough time. *sigh*

I do hope that people do what they want to do in life. I hope they can be whoever they want to be in life. But hope is only hope. I can hope for others, but it won't change anything. I can hope for myself, but it probably would be silly. Why? Because.. if I actually worked, if I actually dived out of my comfort zone... if I was actually brave and wise enough to do what I want to do, and achieve what I want to achieve, I wouldn't need to hope. Hope is for people who do not have certain things in their lives. A child in a broken family hopes for a happy family. A poor man hopes for his luck to change. A wealthy man hopes that no calamity will befall him. When the moment comes... seize the moment. Just step forward and never look back. If your dreams become reality, if you do everything you can do to ensure that your life will be one of stability, joy, and brilliance, then you won't need to hope.. well, not as much anyway. Hope is only for people who aren't satisfied or happy with what they have.

That's why we humans will never stop hoping. Nothing is ever perfect; things change, people change, wars occur, conflicts emerge, and so on. We'll never stop hoping... at least not in my lifetime.

*sigh*

Such weirdness. I'm so sleepy. Goodnight...

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Oh, just some stuff...

Well.. my first ever significant post. Wow. Not quite wow, but.. kinda wow. I've fallen into the pit of bloggers from which I will never be able to get out... *Sigh*. Perhaps it's for the best?
Anyway, today has been... an okay day. Hm, we had a discussion during English about a culture, ritual, or ceremony which we are unhappy about. Well.. we discussed it in groups.. and then each group talked about our chosen ritual/ceremony/culture.

The funny thing is, most of the cultures or rituals mentioned either involves human sacrifice... or women. It's weird how when we see the cultures of the past, a significant amount of rituals involve.. women. How strange. I'm not sure how or why in the past, women were considered to be second-class humans. I'm a teenage boy and I wonder why is it that women were treated badly. Why, really? Women nowadays are definitely far, far better than they were back then. Nowadays, the best classes and top universities have more women. Women generally get better grades then us guys, and are known to be more responsible and disciplined. Plus, women have more self-control than 90% of the male population(no I'm not paid by any girl out there to say what I just said, but it's somewhat true). Although, that doesn't mean that there aren't some good men in society. Just because some men are annoyingly evil and useless and.. well, for example, rapists... that doesn't mean that we're all pigs. I can't stand it when some other males(the word 'men' is a too mature word for the people I'm now talking about) do stupid actions and ALL the men(or males, depending on your opinion about men) are considered as stupid, or foolish. I hate it when some other guys think that women are inferior, and then people like me are called sexists. It's bloody annoying.

Well, at least we now know that most of the rituals back then were probably created by men, hm?

It's fine for us to point out how women didn't have equality in certain cultures. But what about religion? Are we allowed to question religion? No.. of course not. It's wrong. Or so they say. But... we, as humans, can't help but wonder about things. We can't help but be curious, and think, and ponder, and come up with arguments, points, logic, and reasons why certain things mentioned is religion doesn't seem to apply in society nowadays. I know that I'm probably spouting blasphemy now(I'm Muslim, by the way). I don't think they had anthropologists back then, hm? I'm not entirely sure why God gave us a guide for our lives milleniums ago, when it surely would either have been lost, or had its meaning changed, throughout the course of time.

Perhaps as time went by, the perversion started. Where people greedy for power or status started to take these holy texts and decided to change their meanings to suit their needs. Remember.. the Catholic church long, long ago? Before the Reformation which saw the birth of the Protestants? They were monopolizing religion then, wielding it as an intricate network of strings designed to manipulate and control human beings. We had those letters of Indulgence, etc. Not that Catholics are bad, in fact, today both they and the Protestants are equally good in the Christian faith.

Now how would we know if our holy texts were manipulated so long ago that we are unable to trace when it was changed, or why, or what the original words were? It's impossible to discover the source of such changes. Which leaves me wondering if what I learn nowadays are in fact the true words of God. I wonder. I wonder, but I still believe. I won't ever stop believing, I suppose, no matter how many arguments I can come up which would prove any religion wrong. I've been brought up to believe. Most people have been brought up as believers. Perhaps I am afraid of change, perhaps I am afraid that should I throw away my faith, I'll end up in hell(as predicted). But if I were afraid, I wouldn't know. All I know is that despite reasoning and logic, I am still a believer. I think that's good. At least I know that my faith won't waver too much.

Fascinating, this thing called religion. It's so intricate, complete, ancient, and embedded firmly into our entire way of life that no one can simply scream that religion is false and get away with it. Even if people are unable to believe certain things contained in their religions, we, as humans, need a way to explain things. We need something to believe in. Nothing can go unexplained. The natural curiosity of us humans are our greatest asset, and our greatest flaw.

There's another thing I believe in, though. I think that even if you pray 5 times a day, or go to church every week, or offer prayers at a temple weekly... it won't matter if you do not truly believe. If you do that simply because you have been brought up doing that, and it's more of a habit as opposed to you truly believing... then what's the point? I can't say what God wants, but I surely think that He'd rather have you worshipping AND believing, as opposed to worshipping and NOT believing. I may not be the perfect worshipper, as I am.. for some reason.. uncomfortable when I practice my religion(which I'll never understand why)... but I do believe. I truly believe. I don't know if it's from fear, or whatever... but yea. That's me.

I'm simply me.

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Something New

Um.. my first post? Heh. I don't have much to say at the moment... will get back to being intelligent later on. Bye, for now..

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