Random Update

Can't believe I fell sick on the same day as Theater finals -_- GAH. I wanted to watch that.

So anyway, as the title implies, this is a random update.

Either than sickness, the only problem I have is with the flight tickets. Can't get decent flight dates right now, we're still on waiting lists. Sucks. I'd be lucky to even be able to attend orientation for uni. I really, really really hope that we get confirmed on some decent flight dates.

Been doing a bit of shopping, a bit of reading, a lot of sleeping. Either than that? My life is a bore. Wish this semester would end already. I'm so ready for it to end. Sick and tired of classes, sick and tired of some lecturers, sick and tired of seeing certain people.

Have to attend some random cousin's wedding this weekend. Er, house party on Friday night, wedding dinner on Saturday night. Don't wanna go, but like I ever have a choice in these things. And I don't even know the cousin. He's just some random cousin whom I've only seen for the first time this year.

Sigh.

Headache, and I still have work to finish. Which I don't really have to do if I decide to skip Macroeconomics. Which I really want to do, because:
1) I don't wanna do the work
2) Don't feel like listening to that lecturer anymore, and
3) Don't feel like being in the same class as a certain fella who sickens me like no other.

To skip, or not to skip.

Right now, I'm leaning towards 'skip', simply because I feel like it.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Cleaning Up

An overdue revamp.

Same color palette, I suppose. Just a different, and much cleaner look.

Now I just need to revamp my life, too. ;)

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

For life

Sometimes we all have to take a step back in life to do a bit of soul-searching.

Problem is, I step back so often that I've forgotten how to step forward.

Getting kinda sick of thinking too much. I just want to live, and not dwell on the mistakes and events of the past.

But living is hard to do. Due to the choices we have to make, the burdens we choose to bear.

Sometimes it's so much easier to live in the past so we stop getting hurt. But we stop being happy, too, don't we?

Now then. I guess I'm just taking a few steps backwards so I can get a running start to the huge leaps I'm gonna make in the future. In theory. ;)

We all need a bit of soul-searching. But I think I've searched so hard that my soul gave up and surrendered, with its hands up, saying 'what the fuck do you want from me?'

Because the soul doesn't give us answers. Or things to be happy about. Or things to live for. Or things to make us happy or sad or something in between.

But life does.

And so we live it, so we can experience the addictive feeling of happiness, and suffer the unbearable feeling of sadness in between the bouts of happiness.

But those short bursts of happiness are worth it.

So we go on, and live. And be happy, and be sad, and be happy again. But mostly sad.

But I'm happy.

For the things I have.
For the things I don't have.
For the person I am today.
For the person I am not.
For the beginnings and endings.
For everything in between.

For life.

Nothing more. Nothing less. Just life.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Not all truths are universal, so I tire of living up to one

I may not have many friends, but the ones I do have, I look after.

I fear failing or disappointing them in some way, and so I try hard to be a good friend.

But right now, I am rather sick of it. I feel like giving up on trying, because too many have disappointed me, failed me in some way.

I'm tired of having this desire to talk to and help friends who are in need of it. They don't listen. Some do, so at least I have that much to hold on to at the end of the day.

I don't want to be a good friend anymore, I don't want to help, I don't want to listen, I don't want to be the sympathetic one who listens and consoles and more, but who is left behind when the person is up again.

I think I'm just that kind of person, though. I'm drawn to friends who are damaged goods, people who are in need of help and don't realize it, people I want to change in some way. I'm not sure if I want to help or change them. I'm really not sure.

I'm not even sure if my intentions are good, all I know is that I want to change these people for the better. My kind of better, not the universal kind of better, because my opinion is just one of many.

I think I just try so hard to help/change them because I want someone to say that I'm a good friend, a savior of some sort, at the end of the day. Maybe I just want some recognition, some validation of my status as a good person and a good friend.

Now, I get sick at the thought of helping or being sympathetic with someone. I'm sure it'll pass.

No, I'm not sad or upset again. Just contemplative, and maybe a bit tired and cynical of life. I'm still happy/content to a certain extent.

But I just wish that someday, someone would look me in the eyes and say 'tell the truth', when I say I'm okay.

Maybe then I'd learn to trust again. Maybe then I'd allow myself to try hard once more.

But for now, I'll just be happy knowing that I have done my best to be all that I can be, and more. To be a good person. To be a good friend. To be a good listener. To be a good everything. But not falsely so. I want to be myself; where myself is something good.

I'm not sure if I've succeeded up to here and now - in fact, I think I failed somewhere along the way - but I shall just be happy with it, right here and right now, because that is the best any person can ever do in his life.

Smile, everyone. Remember that not all truths are universal. Don't live by just one principle, don't live by just one phrase or quote. Don't live by just one philosophy. Because even the best ones have faults.

And when you fail to live up to that one principle, for whatsoever reason, you will start to hate yourself, and perhaps you will live with shame and guilt, for failing that principle, for failing yourself, for failing.

Don't be sad just because, based on your one principle or philosophy, your life is in a mess, or your life is going down the wrong path, or whatever. Don't.

I will not be sad because I have broken my own principles; on being a good friend, on being a good person, on doing my best to make my life as perfect as can be - mess and all.

Because not all truths are universal. And people forget that, all too easily. As I have. As you have. As we all have. As we all undoubtedly will, again and again and again, in the future.

I'm happy. ;) As I must be.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Update

I guess now's a good time for me to update my blog.

So, what's been up in my life?

I got accepted to my university :D
I've gotten my US student visa :D
Only 1 more test before my finals in the first week of December :D

Um. And yea. That's more or less it. Good stuff, except that the fact that I'll be leaving in less than 2 months hasn't sunk in yet. Wonder if it ever will. Probably the week before?

I'm excited, and terrified of finally going to the US. I know it's not such a horrible thing, lots of people go overseas to study and some or most enjoy it. Even those who don't enjoy it say that the experience has made them better.

I don't doubt that. It's just that I'm afraid of leaving my life here behind. Leaving my house behind for the last time - by the time I return for holidays, we'll be staying in a different place. The only house I've ever known, the only home I've ever had. When I return, I'll be returning to a house, not a home. A house, one with the memories of other families and other childhoods, not my own.

I really need this change. I really need to be thrown out of the safety zone for once, because I think I've been a bit sheltered all my life. This room that I have for myself isn't just a room, it's my haven. It wasn't always like that. It took awhile, but somewhere along the way, it became my retreat, the place that I look forward to returning to at the end of the day, mess and all.

I guess my room represents me very well, just like the rooms of other people. It's messy. Very messy. Things strewn all over the floor, books stacked haphazardly on the bookshelf, small items covering the entire surface of my desk, the sofa bed that has never been a bed, and the bed that has never been made.

But somehow, it makes sense. All the mess. It calms me. This is my life, this mess, and I'm comfortable with it. Sometimes I feel the need to take control and clean up the place, but being tidy has never been a forte of mine. Soon enough, it gets messy again. I guess I've given up on taking control of things. Just like my room, just like my life. What I can't control, I live with, and slowly learn to take comfort in it.

We all crave for a perfect life. Everything within our reach, everything nice and tidy and perfect. I used to crave it too, but now I know not to. Somehow I've lost faith in the kind of life where everything is perfect, where there is nothing to mess it up. I feel weird when I walk into a clean bedroom, mine or someone else's. It feels wrong, as if it hasn't been lived in. Like life.

Messy or not, my room is still my room, and my life is still my life.

And soon it'll change. Soon I'll be leaving halfway across the world, in a new place, in a room that would be nothing more than a room.

It's hard to tell where the excitement stops and the trepidation begins. I want this change, but I fear it.

But right now, I'm happy though. I still get upset every now and then for whatever reasons, but overall I guess I'm still moving along fine.

And that's what's important, right? Regardless of what happens, you learn to be fine with it, and learn to live with it. Not that you won't try to change some things, but there are things that, at the end of the day, are meant to be lived with, and nothing more.

So, yeah. I'm happy. Not HAPPY! :D :D, but happy. And that's all I need, for now.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

One last bit of drama, before happy clappy stuff

I decided to shove my pride aside and be the first apologize.

How childish we were, and perhaps still are, ignoring each other. Told Sara, "we're being so childish, ignoring each other. In fact, I'll go talk to him now."

I stepped into the room, he was typing away doing work that was due in an hour. One of the last few still doing it. Most of us had already submitted it. Probably noticed it was me, which was why he didn't look up.

"Look," I started, "I'm sorry for whatever I've done, especially for talking behind your back."

He kept on reading and typing. I stood there for a few awkward moments.

"Jung Wei?"

He replied without looking up, "can't you see I'm doing work, due in like an hour."

I was startled. Disappointed? I don't know. I don't even know what I was expecting. Sometimes when people choose to throw their pride aside and be the so-called bigger person, they don't realize what they really want. All they think of, beforehand, is doing the right thing.

I took a few step backwards to the door, opened it a bit more frantically than I would've liked. Added one last line, "if you still wanna be friends, that's up to you." And closed the door.

And just then, I knew that that was the last straw to our friendship. Even if he apologizes in the future, I don't know if I could accept it. I probably couldn't. Not from him, not from that kind of person, someone who could do that to a friend. I tried to meet him halfway, but I just felt like an idiot, standing halfway there by myself.

Now I should've felt liberated for doing that. I wanted to. It felt like the right thing to do. I'd told myself before I stepped in there, "I don't care what he does, but I want to do this. It's the right thing to do."

But now I know I'm just disappointed. Deep down inside, I wanted it to have worked.

At least I had good timing. I have 2 days to order myself to not be embarrassed or disappointed when I see that fella on Monday.

Now I'm just confused. Why do I still feel off when I did what I thought was the right thing to do?

----------------------------

BACK TO HAPPY CLAPPY NEWS

So anyway, I just submitted that History 106 paper due today. Thankfully. I have no more assignments for the rest of the semester, just 2 more tests and the final exams left.

Strangely enough, I'm doing exceedingly well in History 106 and Macroeconomics o.O Kinda annoying that I'm doing so well in my last semester, when I don't need the grades anymore. Oh well.

I feel good now, like a weight that's been lifted off my back. Not that there isn't more to do, I still need to do my student visa.. but that's it, I suppose.

I have 2 months left here, I can't let myself be all down and out during these last few weeks. I need to be happy, so I can enjoy what's left of it.

Although I feel off right now, I still feel better. ;) Phew.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

One + One + One

I used to have these two friends.

One was from school,
one was from college.

One was a close friend,
one was a newly close friend.

One I'd helped a lot,
one I'd only begun to help.

One said, "you've been a good friend",
and deja vu,
the other echoed to me months after,
"yea, you're a good friend"

One started ignoring me over a friendly jibe,
one insulted me when I tried to help.

One hasn't spoken to me for several months,
one is apparently thinking of apologizing but hasn't,
and whose pride will probably prevent it anyway.

One forgot the many times
I listened to him and helped him,
one forgot the handful of times
I listened to him and tried to help,
and both forgot how to treat me like a friend.

They both treated me like crap.
And forgot that I'm a good friend.
Not just a good friend, actually.
But a fucking good friend.

Now I just don't know.

If either were to ever apologize,
for their blows that struck too deep,
through the cold silence,
or heat of anger,
would I be right in telling them,
that my friendship is no longer theirs to have?

That for the friendship I gave freely,
I would trust freely,
and once my trust they'd abuse,
the friendship I'd given freely,
I'd withdraw freely?

Would I still be a good friend then,
or a shade of that good friend I once was,
or a good friend for teaching them
that some mistakes are never meant to be made?

Either way, I hate being the bigger person,
the one who sucks it in,
the one who takes more blows than he deals,
the one who understands,
the one who suffers quietly,
and smiles in front of everyone else,
except for when he can't smile anymore,
and the bigger person he no longer is.

I hate being the one
who wants to say 'fuck off',
but smiles and says what the
bigger person says,
the thank yous,
and it's okays,
and I forgive yous,
and I appreciate its,
because he knows that what he wants,
he wants less than,
wanting to say what a good friend says.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Testing 1 2 3

Upset? CHECK!
Angry? CHECK!
Bitter? CHECK!
Pissed? CHECK!
Sad? CHECK!!!

Blogging juices good to go!!!!!

BLOGGING, ACTIVATE!

SO LIKE, DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN YOU HAVE A CLOSE FRIEND WHO REFUSES TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE AND ONLY THINKS THAT HE'S RIGHT ALL THE TIME, LIKE, THAT IS JUST SO SO ANNOYING AND PLEBEIAN AND DISGUSTING AND LIKE SO TOTALLY LAST SEASON, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE HURLS PERSONAL INSULTS AT YOU EVEN WHEN YOU'RE JUST OFFERING CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM UNTIL YOU GET SO PISSED THAT YOU THROW CASH ON THE DINNER TABLE AND STORM OFF, AND THEN YOU GO OFF AND WALK AROUND AND THINK YOURSELF INTO AN EVER DEEPER HOLE OF ANGER AND FRUSTRATION AND BITTERNESS AND SADNESS THAT YOU CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT AND BLOG USING ALMOST ALL CAPITAL LETTERS ONCE YOU GET HOME AND LOG INTO BLOGGER FASTER THAN THOSE AUNTIES WHO SPOT A LARGE RED IN-YOUR-FACE 'SALE 70% OFF!!' SIGN CAN DASH TO THE STORE AND BUY 27 OUTFITS THAT ARE TOO TIGHT FOR THEM, JUST SO YOU CAN WRITE YOUR FEELINGS AWAY AS IF THEY WERE LAST SEASON'S CAST-OFFS?

I KNOW I DO!

Read on...

Hide expanded post.

Drawing the line

When is it okay for you to draw the line when a friend goes overboard and treats you like crap, but you've been at the very least trying to prevent an argument by not bringing up the reasons why you're fucking pissed?

We should be patient with our friends. But seriously, if Mother Theresa were in my place she would've snapped and shoved her rosary down my friend's throat already.

And wouldn't I be doing him a favor by telling him off, since he's getting out of control? Wouldn't I be doing him a favor, as a friend, by giving him a severe dressing down to make him realize how fucking stupid he's acting?

He himself has participated in conversations where he says that 'friends should do so and so', but he himself isn't being a very good friend.

In fact, the closer a friend you are to him, the worse he treats you. What the fuck is up with that? Ya you should be polite to strangers, but you shouldn't abuse your friendship just because you expect friends to be forgiving and because you don't have to put up that social barrier of courtesy like you would if you were talking to a stranger.

What kind of friend treats his closest friends the worst?

How fucking twisted.

Fucking pisses me off.

Read on...

Hide expanded post.