Picture-fest

My farewell at the airport, it was kinda short because they came late :P but oh well, I'm glad they came. THANKS GUYS AND GALS.



Gene looking oddly happy at Incheon International Airport. We were there for like 10-12 hours, can't remember exactly how long.



A weird rotating candy making machine in Korea! It was really cool to watch, there were like 2 sets of arm thingies that rotated non-stop to er... stretch/whatever the candy.



When faced with a hangover, drink the...



Us upon arrival in Seattle, it was snowing, and we were exhausted.



The view from my room in Montana.



Scenery shots during the drive from Seattle to Missoula, Montana. Some of the views were breathtaking, I can't wait to see it in the summer.

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Montana

I'm now in Montana.

It feels amazing and weird and exciting and absolutely terrifying.

I've been here for the past few days, been so busy and so exhausted since I arrived that I've hardly had time to sit down and ruminate. I now live in a 2-bedroom apartment with a certain life form called Nico Atienza. I just got an internet connection today, in addition to cable TV and a mobile phone, so I'm all set for communication/information. COMMUNICATE WITH ME PEOPLE.

So how's the place? It's beautiful in that postcard scenery kind of way. Of course, walking around in the cold with snow getting into your eyes isn't very comfortable or fun, but it's not too much of a chore. My brother's been driving around, so I've been going around to buy whatever stuff that I need. I bought a laptop that Nico claims sucks, but I told him not to explain why so I'm oblivious and won't be bitter about it :D Brilliant, huh?

Orientation's been exhausting, there's just SO MUCH INFORMATION that we need to absorb. I'm so glad this week is almost over, because I really cannot absorb anymore information. I still need to get over my jet lag, dammit. It's so hard to stay awake when we return to the apartment at night, trying to fight the weariness.

My room's in a mess right now, no surprise there. Haven't been bothered to clean things up. All my free time has been spent sleeping/being out, so I haven't had time to take a breather. So yeah.

Gah this post is seriously lame and inarticulate, but I have a headache and I'm really really tired so ya you people will just have to survive with this right now.

Will write a beautiful, wordy post filled with prose when my mind clears up...

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I Dream of Incheon

Incheon International Airport, Korea, would be an amazing airport if you had wads of cash to spend shopping.

If you are a student like me, you would be sitting down at a corner near one of the boarding gates, willing time to move faster, while noticing that everyone and their grandma and gardener and so on and so forth has a Burberry scarf/bag/coat. It's like dying and waking up in Burberry heaven... for everyone but you, that is.

One KFC meal = close to USD5-10. :( Wtf I'm not even supposed to admit that I'm having an American capitalist meal in a country rich with its own food heritage. Sigh.

So yea all we did was walk around aimlessly in this surprisingly huge airport, there are like 2372387 Burberry stores, 1293129 Chanel stores, 12931293129 Gucci stores, and 31293281932253x21831283128 duty free stores just waiting to pry the cash off half dead travelers. Myself included, actually I'm thinking of buying something but I'm not sure :( so yea.

So ya, me and Ken Gene are being so extremely bored here. Sigh. 5 more hours till our flight. And that is actually GOOD, because that means we've gone past the halfway time in our transit period! yay!

Okay, that's all for now, babai.

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Gah

Exactly 1 day left.

Wow.

It's not a year or month or week left.

It's 1 freakin day.

Wow.

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4 x 24 = 96

Exactly 96 hours from now I will probably be at the airport surrounded by friends and family, saying goodbyes and perhaps trying not to cry. :P

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Existentialism in the 100th post

This is, to me, an interesting excerpt from the book Eldest, the sequel to Eragon. It's at the end of a conversation where Eragon discovers from his mentor, the elf Oromis, that elves do not worship deities or gods. Eragon finds it hard to believe, and expresses his surprise and confusion:

"It seems an a cold world without something... more."
"On the contrary," said Oromis, "it is a better world. A place where we are responsible for our own actions, where we can be kind to one another because we want to and because it is the right thing to do instead of being frightened into behaving by the threat of divine punishment. I won't tell you what to believe, Eragon. It is far better to be taught to think critically and then be allowed to make your own decisions than to have someone else's notions thrust upon you. You asked after our religion, and I have answered you true. Make of it what you will."

I find that true. Or at least, mostly true.

Many of us, unfortunately, do not believe in something due to the fact that we have been brought up to think critically and to then make the decision on what to believe in. No. Our one is a belief that comes from notions thrust upon us before we can think critically, and so it escapes whatever critical barriers that we erect in our minds later in life from foreign ideas and opinions.

It is a sad, but paramount truth.

Sticking to the excerpt, Eragon finds the idea of a godless world hard to swallow because he believes that there are gods. But is that because of true religious experience, or because he has been brought up in a society that cannot imagine a world without gods, a world where good and evil has no higher meaning than the desire to aid or harm?

Likewise, Oromis and the other elves have rational and analytical minds; they are brought up to question and question, to believe only in what is proven and 'true', as far as 'truth' can be ascertained. It is not a sign of pessimism, or a genuine desire to disbelieve. They give credence to only what they can prove exists. If, somehow, evidence of gods or deities or the supernatural was to appear, they are willing to 'revise their position.'

Even I, despite my cynical and critical nature(in some things, anyway), find it absolutely impossible to completely discard belief in the idea of a godless world. I can disagree with, well, the idea of god according to certain religions, but I cannot disagree with the idea of god completely.

I'm really not sure why. All my arguments and thoughts lead to there being a godless world, or - barring that - a world where god is not all-good or all-perfect. But I cannot completely discount god itself. Why? Is it because not having proof to support it does not mean that there is proof to support the opposite? As in I cannot say that because there is no proof of god, therefore god cannot exist. Maybe it would be better to say that there is no proof of god, and no proof that there is no god, so therefore I reserve judgment?

I'm starting to confuse myself.

Or am I just too scared to stop sitting on the fence and jump to one side? No idea, really. I know which side I'm leaning towards, but somehow the other side has this unnatural, deep-rooted hold on me that I can't shake off no matter how hard I try.

Okay, I think I shall stop at that extremely confusing part of existentialism, and just focus on what the old elf was trying to say; that it is unwise to believe in something we cannot prove with certainty exists, and that we must be responsible for our own actions. To believe in something because we have thought long and hard and critically about it - which would make us responsible for what we choose to believe in, not society or the people around us.

I believe in that. I believe in doing good because I want to, not because I want to go to heaven or escape hell, and certainly not because I feel pressured to do so.

I do not pray, nor do I fulfill any other requirement that any good Muslim would do to get into heaven.

But what evil have I done? Am I to be judged by the fact that I have not done much 'good', depending on who you ask about what 'good' is, rather than the fact that I try my best not to do evil, simply because I believe in doing good just for the sake of it, and not because I'm trying to buy my way into heaven?

Like the elf says, "I won't tell you what to believe, Eragon. It is far better to be taught to think critically and then be allowed to make your own decisions than to have someone else's notions thrust upon you." Because most of us believe before we think. And once there is belief, true belief, it is hard for thoughts to shake it off, no matter the strength of the arguments.

It is true what is said in a book that I've read; people believe in something either because they want it to be true, or because they fear that it is true. If you have been brought up to believe in something, of course you would want it to be true, and so you continue believing. And if you have been brought up to fear divine judgment, of course you would believe it to be true.

We are shaped most in our earlier years, I believe. A person can change later in life, but only if something happens that affects the person so strongly that they would discard a current belief and adopt another.

I don't know what caused me to stop believing completely. I don't know if I'm glad or discouraged by that, because while in my opinion it gives me more clarity of thought, it also means that I will always, always be left adrift finding something that I can truly believe in.

But someday, if I do believe in something, I hope I believe in it because there is good reason to do so, and not because I want or fear it to be true.

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A few thousand words

Since a picture is worth a thousand words...

My collection of books, before I arranged them neatly into three boxes. Quite a few, as you can see. Trying to give most away, I don't really reread books, so there's no point in me getting them moved to my new house when it's ready. I won't even be here when it's ready.



Karaoke session :P lol, ME HITTING THE HIGH NOTES.... okay I posed for this pic actually. -_- I don't sing like that okay!


My Halloween outfit! I went as a flasher :D Bwaha, quite creative(...I think). Was wearing shorts underneath, had to pull it up as high as possible every few minutes so it wouldn't be visible. And STOP STARING AT MY LEGS! Credit goes to Alvin for this picture, he's the exorcist fella there :P


This is how my soon-to-be home looks like in autumn, just right before winter sets in. Can see our football stadium there, and a bit of the campus on the left side of the picture. Quite a nice view, as you can see :) This was around the end of 2005, I believe.


This is after cleaning up my room. That's 12 rubbish bags right there. TWELVE. 11 are in that pic, the last one is behind the sofa. I think I have WAY TOO MUCH rubbish. And I can't take them outside for collection till tomorrow because the rubbish collection is only like on Monday/Wednesday/Friday. Sigh. So they're just sitting there in my room and my mom would scream at me if I moved them outside of my room so I'd have some space in here :P. Oh well.

So yea, er, that's all for now.

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Poser

Hey, I'm just curious to know:

To the handful of people who read my blog, what do you think my flaw(s) is/are? Because I know I have my flaws, just like anyone else. I'm just wondering what other people think my flaws are.

PLEASE ANSWER THIS POST THANK YOU.

Oh and, I begin with, I think I am way too indecisive. I'm not sure why, but I really really really really cannot make decisions. I'd rather let someone else decide. In a big group, I'd rather keep quiet and go with the flow.

Okay then, your turn. ANSWER PLEASE. I'm really curious.

EDIT: Hey, what Kenji said just gave me an idea. Feel free to list out strengths too? XD Bwaha please heap waves of praise on me, thank you :D

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We don't notice what we do have, but rather what we don't.

I am so stressed out with my parents.

But I don't know what to do.

What would be better:

a) keeping quiet and not telling them how I've really felt these past few years, for the sake of keeping the peace and remaining in their reasonably good graces, while risking a bigger explosion at them in the future.

or

b) exploding at them/telling them how I've felt these past few years, at the risk of causing severe conflict and arguments now, which would make my life extremely hard before I leave for the US, and may complicate things once I'm in the US.

I'm thinking (b), but I'm not sure I can bring myself to do that. And even if I did, I don't think they'd listen to me, it would just seem like a childish tantrum. Every single time before this, whenever I got angry at them, they'd treat it like a childish tantrum. They wouldn't take into account the fact that I might really, truly, deeply be upset about something, and not for shallow reasons.

Somehow I think I might end up doing (a). I've always been like that, keeping quiet about it unless I was pushed to my limits, during which I'd explode, and get ignored. I don't like conflict. It's sometimes necessary, but I don't like it, especially not with the people who could and would make my life extremely hard mentally, emotionally, and financially.

I don't know. I just feel like I should resolve whatever issues I have before I leave.

I just don't know if I have the strength or will to do so.

But why does it feel like, if I don't resolve it in the last few days before I leave, I'd think of it as a wasted opportunity, as if I had a chance to do something for myself for once, and yet I threw the chance away?

There have been a number of times, when I felt this overwhelming urge to burst out with what I have to say. It's like this pressure in my chest, strong and fast, pushing and pushing, trying to make me just say whatever it is that wants to come out.

But I've never allowed it to. So many times, I left the pressure to push until the moment was over. And then, slowly, it would fade away, leaving nothing but the wasted moment behind. I'd feel disappointed in myself, and then I would end up doing the same the next time another such moment presented itself.

Is this one of those times? It's not just a mere moment, to be sure, but it is, in essence, the same. Something that I need to say, something that needs to be said, wants to come out, but I just keep pushing it back in, not wanting to create conflict.

I keep telling myself, it's better this way, to be quiet and grateful for what I do have.

But I am neither a wise man nor a saint. I am nothing more than a human being.

It is hard to be grateful for something that I have not lost. Not that I wish I would lose it so I can be grateful for it, but it is human nature to notice only what happiness we don't have, and not the happiness we do have.

And so I am ungrateful now.

Similarly, my parents only notice the things that I have not done, and the person that I'm not. I don't know. They do one thing and say another. I've tried. So hard. To be a good person and a good son. But they never notice it. It's always, 'you still haven't done this, you still need to do that, why haven't you done this?'

I just want every child to know that there is no point in working too hard to please their parents. Because the parents will only ever notice what the child has not achieved, or what the child has not done. It is better, I think, to pretend to be an average student and below average child, so that in the moments you DO feel like being a good student and good child, your parents will actually be able to appreciate it. There is no point in being a good student and child, whom parents will take for granted.

Just like it is hard to miss or appreciate my parents now, simply because I have not yet left for the US to feel the loss. I'm reasonably sure that when I'm in the US, I'll miss their presence(not that they've been around for me much), and the conversations with them, but still. That is in the future, not now.

So what do I do? Remain silent, or speak out? I really, really don't know.

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Magic

I was just going through my weekly routine of checking out PostSecret.

If you don't know what PostSecret is, go to PostSecret and find out.

So anyway, one postcard, and the reply it received from a PostSecret reader, seemed especially true to me.



And the reply:

You aren't the magician, you're the magic.

I smiled at that.

We try so hard to find magic in our life. Something whole and special, to tell us that there is more, so much more to life and living.

Many fail to find it. But there is magic. More magic than you will ever know.

For we are the magic.

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New Year?

I stood at a balcony on the 11th floor of the hotel, staring down at all the New Year's revelers.

The countdown would start at any moment.

It felt odd. I don't know if I wanted to be happy or sad when embracing the new year.

For most, it means a new beginning. A fresh start. Something new, something to be happy about.

In the midst of all that joy and excitement, I felt alone as I pulled my weariness around myself.

Didn't these people have fears or worries, something, anything that would make them fear the new year? Something that was both scary and exciting, something new, unknown?

I just felt weary. In every sense.

I think I was a bit jealous at that moment.

At first I thought, 'those are simple people with simple pleasures, people who don't think ahead, people who indulge in temporary, short-lived highs that serve only to deceive them.'

Like a New Year's countdown.

But I realized that it was a stupid, petty thought. These are complex people, people with individual stories, people with individual futures. People who are living, people who are dying.

I was merely jealous, I suppose, that they knew how to live in a moment, while I was up there sulking to myself. Not outwardly, of course.

I wanted to be happy myself. But I couldn't. Wouldn't.

And then the countdown started.

5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Pause.

Happy New Year!

I smiled, and laughed, and clapped and cheered the fireworks, just like everyone else. Maybe, for a brief moment, in the lights and sounds, I did feel a twinge of happiness.

But I don't think the countdown mattered to me.

I didn't think of it as an ending, or a new beginning.

Because I don't consider time to be a good measure of my life. I measure it by the events that happen in it instead.

I think, like some other people there, we were thinking of a different countdown instead.

A countdown to some event, some change that would happen in our life.

To me, it wasn't the first day of the new year.

Instead, I thought, 'only 12 more days till I leave.'

And I realized in that moment, just like a second, minute, hour, day, week before, that I'm really leaving.

I'm leaving.

Leaving.

Leaving!

And, as I exclaimed in wonder and awe at the colors and shapes of the fireworks, I began the final countdown for the true change in my life.

12 days. And counting.

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